As an expat living abroad presented many challenges:
Returning to the United States, the biggest challenge is how to not go out of my mind from utter boredom. At the same time, an advantage of my temporary stay in the US witness protection program is an opportunity to get back to the fundamentals of living healthy. In Mongolia, the gym was a Soviet-esque bunker with mismatched weights and strange characters who took breaks from squats to play the Mongolia cello.
The grocery store was a haggler’s paradise. Cabbage could cost $.50 one day then $3 the next if you either didn’t arrive with exact change or weren’t savvy enough to shop around. Day-to-day grocery shopping was more exciting than playing the commodities future market.
And if you do find the right item at the right price, then snatch it up quickly because it is guaranteed that it won’t be there next time and the time after. Anyone still want to move to Mongolia?
But enough of my Tall Tales from Mongolia life, this post is about appreciating how easy it is to get swoll when living in the United Sates. All you need are two things:
- the diet
- a gym
The Diet
I have grown to resent my friends who live in the US and complain about their inability to get in shape because they are too busy working at their cubicle to adhere to a healthy diet at work. Why do I show them no compassion? First, why haven’t they read the book? Second, the US has this magical marketplace called Costco and Amazon that streamline the process of buying groceries at absurdly cheap prices. Even with this, maybe these subscribers of cubicle-sim truly don’t have the time to prepare dinner every day, maybe they don’t want to wake up for breakfast or prepare themselves a lunch.
I’ve long known the solution for these excuse makers. It’s called Egg Whites International. Egg Whites International will ship you pure liquid, refrigerated egg whites straight to your door with prices comparable to buying the 6 pack of egg whites from Costco. The difference between these whites and those of Costco is the ability to drink them straight out of the pump. They have absolutely no taste, have zero risk of Salmonella, and can be completely digested safely by the human body.
I’ve been purchasing liquid egg whites from this company for so long that the CEO Mac personally emailed me when I was in Mongolia wondering why I hadn’t reupped on my usual order. Back in the US, I ordered 4 gallons of whites and am all set to get after it.
For all you cubicle-ist excuse makers out there, here’s the daily diet that can change your life. (ThePointsOfLife is not a physician. Though his father and sister are, the house of learned doctors does not include him. He is, of course, an attorney, so the disclaimer: consult a physician before trying the diet must be provided.)
The Cubicle-Ism Diet (Trademark 2015. All rights reserved.)
Breakfast
6 squirts of liquid egg whites, 1.5 scoops of whey protein
Lunch
see breakfast, add a cup of raw broccoli
Afternoon Snack
1 scoop of whey protein, broccoli optional
Dinner
6oz chicken breast, 1 cup of broccoli
Late Snack
Protein shake + did someone say broccoli?
Refeed Day
Every third day, combine dinner and your late snack for whatever your carb heart desires. I go with 2 foot long sandwiches from Subway. They give me all the carbs I need and are not so delicious that I’m tempted to eat there every day.
Is that too much synthetic protein?
Personally, I try to avoid protein powders because I’d rather get my protein from tuna, chicken breast, and other lean proteins but this is the Cubicle-Ism Diet and acting like an uncreative robot both at work and while eating is required.
The Gym
This is worth spending all but two seconds on because the US doesn’t have a shortage of affordable gyms. Go find one. Even with the shiny new key tag from L.A. Fitness the conforming cubicle-ist is unrelenting in complaining that he doesn’t have time to go to the gym. Going on your lunch hour is feasible and recommended but if you have an excuse for not doing that, then go immediately after work.
What about happy hour?
Exactly, you do have time to go. And if you’re tired, it’s called NO-Xplode.
Stop being a dough boy and get your life together. That way when you do move to Azerbaijan you give yourself a chance to adapt to whatever gyms, diets, and who knows what else comes your way.
