Like a hotly contested election, I sit and wait for the votes reviews to come in for my book Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong. Hanging chads aside, none of the electoral districts have enough reviews to make a projection if the book is quality or crap.
Indeed, like Frank Underwood, I have tried to use my positions as Majority Pain in the Ass to whip people into purchasing the book and writing their candid reviews. My marketing team tells me that reviews, along with my daily blogging should be enough to claim a seat on the NYT Best Seller’s List. I remain impatient but not skeptical of my adviser’s input.
Today, the grand total of reviews reached 3! While the first two reviews rated me 5/5, this one, dropped my average due to its 4/5 rating. Since we live in a democracy where freedom of speech is held sacred, I have no choice but to accept any review, whether it be good or bad.
But when I found out this was written by my Canadien cousin George, of all people, I questioned if his voice fell under the protection of the US Constitution.
Through back-channel diplomacy via the Embassy of Switzerland, I rang Canada this morning to see if perhaps, Raymond Tusk had influenced George’s opinion. All my lobbying and offers of bribery fell on deaf ears. Alas, George who is mentioned in the book repeatedly (in some of the funniest parts I might add) remained resolute with what he had written.
“It was really good. I enjoyed it,” he said. Then why the 4/5 I questioned without a satisfactory answer given.
Regardless of the number of stars, the review itself, was overwhelmingly positive and the downgrade from a perfect 5 provides credibility that this book is worth reading. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s what George had to say:
Hard pass.
Option 2: Fitness Anywhere via TRX. This option lets me avoid the winter by working out in the comfort of my own home with the ropes hanging on my vault door.
TRX is great for vacation and nothing is more challenging than a timed set of atomic push-ups but it isn’t a sustainable replacement for a real gym.
Option 3: LA Fitness AKA California Gym
Yao Ming who has no affiliation with California since he played for the Houston Rockets cleverly opened a group of gyms in China called California Gym. His celebrity and the word ‘California’ made this one of the most popular gyms.
There is a California Gym in Mongolia but I never inquired as to membership cost or extent of the facilities because it is located more than half a block away from my apartment. (See weather report dated November-March every year Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.)
The availability of 100lb dumbbells aren’t so appealing when it’s minus 40 outside.
Option 4: The 24 Hour Hotel Gym
Right next to my apartment is a hotel gym with 24 hour access. It has a universal machine and old school do it yourself dumbbells with weights scattered all over the floor. The gym was empty when I visited most likely because it cost $100 a month.
Convenience isn’t worth getting ripped off.
Option 5: The Soviet Era Gym
If we walk Jamaican, talk Jamaican, and *is* Jamaican, then we sure as hell better bobsled Jamaican.
My building is Soviet, my apartment is Soviet, so why not lift Soviet? The locals warned me that I should elect options 1-4 because of the poor quality of these types of gyms. For one month, I did stay away till I could no longer take the mush that was once my muscle.
I bravely snorted a line of N.O. and went to the basement of Soviet Land. Beyond the rusted weights, the pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger and naked women pinned to the wall, was a bench press that seemed operational, a wide grip pull up bar, a squat rack (in the event I ever do legs), and plenty of space to do push ups- all the essentials for regimented workout.
The price was a reasonable $44 a month which I negotiated down to $33 by bringing exactly 60,000MNT and pleading ignorance when he asked for the extra 20,000.
Add in what appeared to be the rest of the powerlifting team of Mongolia waiting for me to get buried on the bench and I had found the last component of making all kinds of gains while overseas- motivation.
All kinds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kbdlt1BAx-0
The only anomaly was that the game was starting at midnight. And this stranger that had showed up at my house.
For a moment, I forgot that I wasn’t watching the game in Arizona but 
And on and on it would go, with the temporary cessation of hostilities whenever Michigan would score or a Ohio State lowlight would appear on the screen.
Yes, it felt like I was back in college, watching football, having some drinks, wondering why every out of state Michigan student thought he knew more than I.
In the end, Michigan won 52-14 and my friend and I disturbed the peace of UB, singing a slurred version of The Victors.
Hail! to the victors valiant…
So there you have it. The best hot sauces in the world. For all of you living in North America, do me a favor, the next time you reach for water to put out that fire from combining sauces one through seven, put the bottle down and ride out the experience. Remember there are people in the world starving for that flavor.
Put some hot sauce on my burrito baby!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGa-QTAVlVQ
