From Your Grade School Principal: Regarding COVID-19


Dear Graduate, 

I know it has been decades since we contacted you, but we wanted to give you an update on what we are doing to keep you safe during this time of uncertainty…

How many more damn emails am I going to get regarding what a company that has nothing to do with my day-to-day activities is doing about corona-bleeping-virus!? It is getting a bit out of hand. My favorite is this disingenuous, piece of shit letter from my student loan provider. It reads:


Thank you for being a valued customer. Firstmark is closely monitoring the latest reports from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and local health organizations about COVID-19, the new coronavirus. The safety of our associates and our customers is our top priority.

We cannot predict the scale and scope of what we will be dealing with in the coming months and have taken many precautionary steps to safeguard our business operations, and to remain ready to serve you, our customer.

You can always access your online account 24/7 at to:

  • Check your account balance and loan status
  • Find out when your next payment is due
  • Make a payment
  • Get your IRS Form 1098-E for the amount of student loan interest you paid last year

We’re in this together. We’re here if you need us.

Dear Firstmother-f&!kers

Where do I begin to express my rage? I know, at the beginning. First, I’m not a bloody customer. You pieces of shit are only servicing my loan because the last piece of shit company sold my loan to you after it bought my loan from another piece of shit company. Second, I’m sure my safety is of utmost importance to you. Why? Because if I die, my loans die too. And that means that your piece of shit company doesn’t get to continue to gouge me on interest. Why am I paying 5% when interest rates are 0%? Why is it being compounded? Similar to point two, I am confident that you are taking precautionary steps to safeguard your business operations. Your motivation for doing so has already been explained. Continuing on. You remain ready to serve me? If by “serve me” you mean harass me with 100 calls if I am five minutes late on a payment, then yes I am sure you are ready. If you want to truly serve me, how about charging me the market rate on interest? Sure, I would love for Bernie’s forgiveness of loans to wipe away America’s largest debt and biggest bubble, but that wishful thinking came and went after South Carolina. Rest assured, that doomsday is coming. Also, thank you for letting me know that I can always go on your website to find out how much I have accumulated in interest. However, I purposefully forgot the password and have my payments on auto-pay to keep me from getting depressed. The only reason I pay my loans is because I don’t want you ruining my credit and killing the points hustle. But now that travel is done, maybe I’ll reconsider (supra doomsday). Finally, we aren’t in this together. And you’re not here for me. It’s more like you have your foot on my neck, and you won’t leave me alone unless I am dead.



Oh to go back to the innocent days of grade school.


  1. Absolutely priceless. I was laughing so hard that I teared up. I guess I’m not alone in that abhor these douchebag emails. Thanks!

  2. Maybe you should have thought: will I really use this expensive degree or will I do something that doesn’t require it. Like write a blog. Own your decisions whiner.

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