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Guns & Butter: New Orleans Travel Guide (Binge Edition)

July 22, 2019

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New Orleans Travel Guide is part of Freddie Awards to New Orleans Binge Weekend Trip Report which covers:

TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible. Here’s how it works – A trip is composed of two factors: Labor And Lazy. The opportunity cost (what is given up) for relaxing and being Lazy is gained by being adventurous in the form of Labor and vice versa. The guide includes inefficient activities i.e., tourist traps that should be avoided and aspirational activities that are worth doing but may be impossible to see given the constraints of time and resources.

Now let’s get to the New Orleans Travel Guide.

You think you know New Orleans food and drink? You know nothing! The marathon of my food and drink experience began at 9PM on a Friday and ended 48 hours later. What I ate and drank during that time was both delicious and disturbing.

Let’s begin:

Friday

Napoleon’s

The first stop was Napoleon’s. Not looking to get anything too heavy, we had the seafood gumbo and an alligator po’ boy. Wash it down with a Pimm’s Cup.

new orleans travel guide a bowl of brown soup with rice and green onions a plate of sandwiches with a bowl of rice a group of bottles and a drink on a table a brick wall with a statue of a boy people sitting at a bar

Verdict: Gumbo was okay. I’ll see you later alligator and another Pimm’s is a good decision.

TPOL’s TIP: Napoleon’s is located at 500 Chartres St.

Pat O’Briens

An obligatory stop both on Friday and Saturday was Pat O’Briens. Many places boast about having ‘world famous’ this or that. Here, the hurricanes are world famous as are the cups. a sign on a building a water fountain with a fire in the middle a glass of red liquid with a straw on a table

Verdict: Just like the old days, Pat OBrien’s hurricanes are delicious.

TPOL’s TIP

Pat Obrien’s is located at 718 St Peter.

Saturday

Friday was tame. Saturday was anything but.

Breakfast

Looking for a serious, upscale breakfast? Go to Brennan’s. There we had rabbit along with a nice twist on the Bloody Mary – the Bloody Bull. Beef broth in a drink is very good. a group of people sitting at a bar a group of people sitting at tables outside a fountain in a courtyard a glass with a drink and a green object on top a glass of liquid with a pickle garnish and a green vegetable garnish a plate of food with a fried egg and meat a biscuit and butter on a plate

Verdict: I wish I could go there every weekend for breakfast. Don’t forget to order the biscuits.

TPOL’s TIP: Brennan’s is located at 417 Royal St.

Cafe Du Monde: This place is a zoo of powder. Get in, sit down, and order the coffee of your choice along with 3 beignets. I don’t know how anyone can eat more than one. a group of people standing in a line outside a cafe a group of people sitting at tables in a restaurant a group of people sitting in chairs in a room a plastic container with a label on it a table with a group of glasses and a sugar bowl a plate of pastries and a cup of coffee

Verdict: I may get hate mail, but I think this place is overrated and the service is far from New Orleans friendly.

TPOL’s TIPs:

This place is cash only.
There is no line to be seated. Skip the group of tourists lined up and go find a table.
Cafe Du Monde is located 800 Decatur Street.

Tabasco Store: TPOL’s favorite hot sauce is Tabasco (see Put Some Hot Sauce on My Burrito Baby! The World’s Best Hot Sauce). Tabasco is made in Avery Island, Louisiana. While I didn’t go there for a tour, I had to go in the store and see what goodies they had. a candy in a crocodile's mouth

Verdict: Tabasco chocolate is not great.

Johnny’s Po-Boys

Johnny is the place for po’ boys, and shrimp is the kind to get. Have it dressed which means it comes with melted butter and pickles. a sign from a roof a group of people sitting at a table a sandwich with fried shrimp and lettuce a plate of food on a table

Verdict: I wish I could go here every weekend as well. No need to eat po’ boys at a restaurant when there’s Johnny’s.

TPOL’S TIPs:

If the front is full, there’s seating in the back.
Johnny’s Po-Boys is located at 511 St Louis St.

The Original French Market: Looking for crawdads or crayfish as they’re called? Go to The Original French Market where $13 gets you a boat full. a group of people standing on a street with flags on poles a street with cars parked on the side a bowl of crawfish on a table a group of crawfish in a container a group of lobsters in a bowl

TPOL’S TIPs

Bring an expert peeler.
The Original French Market is located at 1001 Decatur St.

A Pause from the New Orleans Travel Guide

Take a moment to catch your breath. a skeleton in a glass case

Resuming the New Orleans Travel Guide

Sightseeing

See the sights of New Orleans, take some pictures, buy some souvenirs. a sign on a fence

a path with trees and a building in the background

a man standing in front of a statue — Check out the shirt.

a yellow shirt with a person on it

Permanent Sleep

As tired as you might be, head to the St. Louis No. 1 cemetery to realize that you’re still alive. I didn’t go inside because I didn’t want to pay $20 for a mandatory guided tour (see New Orleans Cemetery: Why You Have to Pay Admission).

a cemetery with a white square and a stone structure

Verdict: I’m still alive. Let’s go drink more.

TPOL’S TIP: St. Louis No. 1 cemetery is located at 425 Basin St, New Orleans.

Grenades

What’s a trip to Bourbon Street without a grenade? a group of plastic cups with straws on a table a yellow drink with a straw

Verdict: TPOL is getting drunk and slightly full.

TPOL’S TIP: Progress has come to the city of binge. Grenades can now be made with Splenda. That’s better for your hangover.

Cigar Factory

Have a cigar and walk down Bourbon. a group of people walking down a street a framed picture of a building a man and woman smoking cigars and drinking

a man and woman with a cigar and a drink

a man sitting on steps outside a building a group of people walking on a sidewalk in front of a building

a sign on a building a neon sign on a building

Verdict: Gordito Maduro was my cigar of choice. And a great choice it was.

TPOL’S TIP: Cigar Factory is located at 206 Bourbon St.

Pat Obrien’s

Goes without saying because I already said it. two drinks on a table a man smoking a cigar and drinking a drink

Chophouse

Want a way to end the evening and blow the budget? Go to Chophouse. I recommend the beef carpaccio, porterhouse steak, onion rings with Bleu cheese (they don’t do Ranch), and a side of spinach. Getting a bottle of wine and dirty martinis may be too much. Getting cheesecake was definitely too much. a neon sign on a building

a martini glass with two olives in it a wine bottle and glasses on a table a plate of food on a table a slice of cheesecake with strawberries on top

Verdict: So much, so good.

TPOL’s TIPs:

Don’t make a dinner reservation at an upscale steakhouse after what you did all day.
Don’t worry if you can’t finish your wine. The waiter will cork the wine for you and provide a plastic cup for the rest. That way you can walk down Bourbon Street with style and class.
Chophouse is located at 322 Magazine St.

a bottle of wine next to a glass of wine — Wine to go

Bourbon Street Again

Bourbon Street is a fun place. I also believe if there is a hell, this is the entrance to it. Before going home, take advantage of the generous 3 for 1 deal that many bars offer. a sign on a brick wall

TPOL’S TIP: Ignore everything TPOL says.

Sunday

Breakfast: See wine above + Bourbon Street’s 3 for 1

a drink and a can on a table

TPOL’S TIP: Stay positive. This is normal.

Jockeys Pub & Sports Bar

An obligatory detour before Jazz Fest is Jockeys Pub & Sports Bar. It’s walking distance to Jazz Fest and is a marvelous place to keep the binge going. The oysters should not be missed. a sign on a wall a bar with a television and shelves of liquor a group of drinks in cups a plate of oysters and lemons on ice a plate of oysters on ice

Verdict: Best decision of the day.

TPOL’s TIP: Jockeys Pub & Sports Bar is located at 1841 Gentilly Blvd.

Jazz Fest

Did you know TPOL hates concerts? I love music but I do not like standing around in the heat watching others perform. It must have something to do with my egocentric personality and not being the center of attention.

a crowd of people at a concert — How is this fun?

Unlike most, I was ready to leave Jazz Fest only an hour after arriving. The delay in my exit was from the food tour:

Crawfish Etouffee

a bowl of soup with rice and a bottle of sauce — Add this to what I can eat everyday.

Muffuletta

a person holding a sandwich — Don’t know exactly what it is but could eat one once a week.

Cracklings

a bag of fried chicken — The only bad thing I ate in New Orleans.

TPOL’S TIPs:

If you like concerts, go to Jazz Fest. If you hate concerts, go to Jazz Fest for the food.
If you don’t want to pay full price and want to check out Jazz Fest, read TPOL’s Ticket Scalping Primer.

Nap

For the sake of your life, take a nap (see Hyatt Centric, Save Me from Bourbon Street). a bed with a round mirror above it

GW Fins

This restaurant is the tops. A new menu is printed each day. The lobster dumplings were incredible, and the Scalibut (Halibut with scallops) was the right choice.

a menu with black text a group of people sitting at tables in a restaurant two glasses of liquid on a table

a plate of food with sauce — Lobster dumplings

a plate of food on a table — Crab & Watermelon

a plate of food on a white plate — Red Snapper

TPOL’s TIPs:

Make a reservation days before you arrive. It is always packed.
There is a dress code. How enforced it is, I have no idea.
GW Fins is located at 808 Bienville St.

Bourbon Street

You can go out on Bourbon Street again or you can go to sleep. I don’t blame you if you do the latter.

new orleans travel guide — Hyatt Centric, my refuge

Pay for It All

Three nights in New Orleans was not cheap, even with points paying for the hotel. I worked off my debt the best way I knew how.

new orleans travel guide

TPOL’S TIP: Not all money is made in arbitration (visit Bachuwa Law).

What I Missed

Whatever it was, I didn’t have the energy for it anyway. But in terms of Guns & Butter, I would recommend going to New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl (see Celebrating Brady Hoke) and, the obvious other event, Mardi Gras. new orleans travel guide

One Last Thing

Be sure to sing “The Saints” whenever you hear it.

Overall

Thank you New Orleans for this memorable binge weekend. I will need at least a year to recover before I consider going back.

Did you enjoy the New Orleans Travel Guide? Then read the full Freddie Awards to New Orleans Binge Weekend Trip Report.