In March of 2006, three bachelors set out for spring break to Las Vegas. Since we were in law school and since it was the opening weekend of March Madness, finding an affordable room in a good location in Vegas was challenging. At the time, I did not know of the Priceline Trick so I had to settle for whatever was available.
What was available was the new Hooters Casino Hotel that had opened in February 2006. This hotel catered to young men in Vegas looking for a prototypical guy’s night out. I should disclaim that I’m not the biggest fan of Hooters brand in general. Their wings are not the greatest (probably because they use the wrong hot sauce), their theme is male chauvinistic, and the atmosphere is as stale as their fries.
Nevertheless, the location of the hotel was central (right across the street from the MGM Grand) so for the price, I couldn’t complain too much. Or could I?
When we arrived at the hotel, we were shocked that this was supposed to be a newly renovated hotel. The livery of the former hotel had yet to be replaced and everything looked dated.
The rooms were also terrible. They had some Florida tropical theme with everything in the room decorated in bright blue- delightfully tacky yet unrefined. The two fundamental requirements for any room are 1) a good bed and 2) a good shower. I don’t recall the shower but I do remember the two full size beds that were supposed to accommodate four grown men. That wasn’t happening so I slept on the floor.
But you don’t go to Vegas for the room anyway so enough about that. What about the ambiance of the hotel?
The Hooters brand is supposed to be synonymous with partying and sports. The Hooters Casino Hotel contradicts this theme. First, and most amusingly, the ‘Sportsbook’ was nothing more than a chalkboard. The spreads were filled in manually everyday in white chalk by someone with great penmanship. And here is a description of the atmosphere of the hotel: Envision the degenerates that go to the Hooters restaurant for the wings, add in drunk spring breakers, more creepy old men, and idiots subscribing to the mantra “what happens in Vegas,” and you have all the makings for a terrible time.
Sorry Hooters, I don’t like your wings and I don’t like your hotel.
It’s with a sense of deflation that I begin the Winner’s Bracket of Where to Stay in Vegas because so many of these choices appear to be losers. But as my gamblaholic friend says, “There’s always a winner on the board!” Hopefully you are not staying at the following hotels that were lucky enough to make the bracket but not worthy enough for a detailed review.
Recall, only the hotel that is knocked out will receive a review, saving my pen and paper for the more worthy candidates for another day.
(28) Stratosphere vs (5) Mirage: The Priceline Trick:
A popular trick for landing a great hotel in Vegas is to utilize Priceline’s “Name your price” tool by booking your hotel the day of your reservation. Priceline is a double edged sword leaving you either ecstatic from the value, e.g., “I’m staying at the Bellagio for $100!” or frustrated, “Really, this is a 3.5 Star?”
So how do you get the room you want without conforming to Priceline’s rule that you have to either raise your price or lower your star requirement? The trick is very simple.
First, start off by deciding where you want to stay. For this example, I have chosen the South Vegas Strip. So I check the appropriate box.
The next menu asks you to pick your star level.
Note that 1-Star through 5-Star are available. Click 5-Star then select your price of say $150, a steal for a hotel of that caliber.
Follow the prompts and hit reserve. You will most likely receive a message that your reservation was not processed giving you the option to either increase your bid amount, change your star level, or change where you want to stay.
Warning! Do not automatically say, “Maybe $250 is reasonable,” and up your bid dramatically. Nor should you react by saying, “I can deal with a 4.5-Star for the same price.”
So what do you do? The trick is to change where you want to stay.
“But all my friends are staying in the South Strip, I don’t want to stay in the North even if they have hotels in my price and star range.”
Don’t worry, you don’t have to do so. All you have to do is add another place you want to stay that doesn’t have the 5-Star rating and name your price again, this time slightly higher.
Look how many areas in Las Vegas do not have 5-Star hotels! That expands your search infinitely.
You keep adding a new place you want to stay one at a time that doesn’t feature a 5-Star hotel and incrementally raise your price threshold. If you do run out of “where you want to stay” boxes before you find the price you want, then it is time to drop your star rating requirements and play again.
In the end, you will get the lowest asking price of a hotel at the star level you desire. This wasn’t the case when I was ended up in a so-called 3.5-Star Upscale Plus room at the Stratosphere because I did not know of this trick. Not only did I skip the reservation for that hotel I’m also skipping writing a formal review.
Sorry, Stratosphere you’ve been knocked out.
Moving along with the Vegas pretenders is the unheralded match up of (23) Treasure island vs (10) Venetian.
Predictably, it’s no contest that Treasure Island falls flat and its face without the need of the Venetian to step into the ring.
I stayed at Treasure Island during the SEMA Show (Specialty Equipment Market Association) that’s basically a Fast and the Furious car lover’s dream show.
Louis Vuitton!
Besides being located in the middle of the strip, the hotel has nothing great to offer based on the factors I established for advancing in this tourney.
1. The Location: Great
2. The Fun: Where?
3. The Sportsbook: I didn’t hang around long enough to find it.
3. The Luxury: Nonexistent
4. The Value: Free is the only way you should stay here.
5. The Food: At least it’s near the Fashion Show Mall and Subway.
It’s a dark, dreary hotel with the treasure being the clearly marked exit doors.
Sorry Treasure Island (with sorry being used as an adjective) has been knocked out.
On we go with the first round which thus far has not had that much suspense/positivity.
The final two match ups are (9) Bellagio vs (24) Flamingo and (22) Planet Hollywood vs (11) Mandalay Bay
(9) Bellagio vs (24) Flamingo
Staying true to their terrible seeding, both Flamingo and Planet Hollywood fail to pack a punch.
What can I say about the Flamingo? It’s got a great location in the center of the strip and for a period of time had a huge spread of Toni Braxton on the outside. However, in terms of amenities, the Flamingo like Braxton could benefit from bankruptcy.
(22) Planet Hollywood vs (11) Mandalay Bay
Using the Priceline trick, I stayed at Planet Hollywood on a weekend for $50. The room was nice enough, the hotel is modern, and the Miracle Mile Shops are at your doorstep. However, the nightlife is weak, the pool was not happening, and their weekend rate during peak season of $350+ is obscene.
To the two final pretenders that took my money but gave no honey, I say, “Sorry…”
Hopefully my luck of great places to stay will surely change tomorrow and the negativity of being bamboozled by Priceline and bad hotels will subside.
Vegas baby! Vegas! It’s time to kickoff the NFL season the right way- by losing all your money on a four team parlay!
NCAAF but parlay excitement!
If that parlay does hit, then you’ll need to abandon your accommodations at the Super 8 and make your way down to the famous Las Vegas Strip. Once there, you may be overwhelmed by the pretty lights, the towering hotels, and the weird people flicking cards promising a 30 minutes or less room service guarantee.
To make it easy for my Vegas virgins and frequent Vegas travelers alike, I am writing a comprehensive hotel review of all the places I have stayed in Vegas. In keeping with the theme of March Madness, I have setup a bracket of 28 hotels, each going head to head, round by round, one match up a day until the winner is declared.
The consolation prize of being knocked out is a candid review about the hotel that will either encourage or discourage you the reader from frequenting that establishment.
The following is the criteria for seeding and advancement. Your tastes and preferences may be different.
1. The Location
2. The Fun
3. The Sportsbook
4. The Luxury
5. The Value
6. The Food
Why isn’t gambling on the list!? Apart from betting on sports, I hardly gamble when I’m in Vegas. But, rest assured, you can lose your money just as easily in most of the hotels that are reviewed.
Without further ado, here is the seeding for the Winner’s Bracket of Where to Stay in Las Vegas.
Don’t forget to checkout the Flight Reviews section where I wrote about the best way to get to sunny Las Vegas!
The press in Istanbul Is Turkish for when you visit Constantinople you don’t drink espresso. Turkish coffee is alarmingly strong, straight to the point, and captures your attention.
The same can be said about the Turkish people whose abrupt attitude can be misinterpreted as rude and their lackadaisical service can be misinterpreted as indifferent.
The country is currently in a tug of war between traditional ideals and modern ideology. Protests in Taksim Square have led to riots and killing resulting in increased censorship. The government once thought to be progressive has, at times, blocked Twitter and silenced anti government protests with force. Ironically, the initial conflict was over the government’s desire to turn Taksim Park into a modern development. In this debate, it was the young who are keen on social reform protesting the superficial change by the establishment.
When drinking Turkish coffee, it is custom to turn the cup over in order to read one’s fortune. The same can be said about Turkey itself. The germination of democracy has metaphorically upended the status quo, but only a clairvoyant knows what the future holds.
Like a hotly contested election, I sit and wait for the votes reviews to come in for my book Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong. Hanging chads aside, none of the electoral districts have enough reviews to make a projection if the book is quality or crap.
Indeed, like Frank Underwood, I have tried to use my positions as Majority Pain in the Ass to whip people into purchasing the book and writing their candid reviews. My marketing team tells me that reviews, along with my daily blogging should be enough to claim a seat on the NYT Best Seller’s List. I remain impatient but not skeptical of my adviser’s input.
Today, the grand total of reviews reached 3! While the first two reviews rated me 5/5, this one, dropped my average due to its 4/5 rating. Since we live in a democracy where freedom of speech is held sacred, I have no choice but to accept any review, whether it be good or bad.
But when I found out this was written by my Canadien cousin George, of all people, I questioned if his voice fell under the protection of the US Constitution.
Through back-channel diplomacy via the Embassy of Switzerland, I rang Canada this morning to see if perhaps, Raymond Tusk had influenced George’s opinion. All my lobbying and offers of bribery fell on deaf ears. Alas, George who is mentioned in the book repeatedly (in some of the funniest parts I might add) remained resolute with what he had written.
“It was really good. I enjoyed it,” he said. Then why the 4/5 I questioned without a satisfactory answer given.
Regardless of the number of stars, the review itself, was overwhelmingly positive and the downgrade from a perfect 5 provides credibility that this book is worth reading. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s what George had to say:
Alex’s book was both entertaining and insightful. Showing the reader the ins and outs of his travels and hijinks across the globe makes for an indepth, enjoyable, journey. From the very first page, we are introduced into the mind of Alex, how he rationalizes, and eventually, how he explains all of his wild adventures. The dizzying heights of luxury and torrential downfalls that Alex went through all make this honest autobiography a very worthwhile read. 4/5.
Lame 4/5 Stars
Despite imperfect marks, I remain steadfast that only a poor reviewer turnout will stop my message from going viral, a message that undeniably resonates with all those who hate his/her job:
Reject the teachings of cubicle-ism. Live life today.
“I’m sure the sequel will be a 5/5,” George added.
Picture a place where N.O.-Xplode costs $100, where rusted weights take you back to that makeshift gym in your parents’ basement, and a place where the winters get so cold that your lungs freeze should you dare leave the house to cross the street.
Right now the weather in UB is warm, the skies are blue, and my imported cache of N.O.Xplode is still fresh. I’ve been in Mongolia for a month now and have solved the following:
For $140/month you get a gym the size of a closet with dumbbells that only go up to 50lbs, a Smith machine bench press, and a trainer that creepily follows you around.
Hard pass.
Option 2: Fitness Anywhere via TRX. This option lets me avoid the winter by working out in the comfort of my own home with the ropes hanging on my vault door.
TRX is great for vacation and nothing is more challenging than a timed set of atomic push-ups but it isn’t a sustainable replacement for a real gym.
Option 3: LA Fitness AKA California Gym
Yao Ming who has no affiliation with California since he played for the Houston Rockets cleverly opened a group of gyms in China called California Gym. His celebrity and the word ‘California’ made this one of the most popular gyms.
There is a California Gym in Mongolia but I never inquired as to membership cost or extent of the facilities because it is located more than half a block away from my apartment. (See weather report dated November-March every year Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.)
The availability of 100lb dumbbells aren’t so appealing when it’s minus 40 outside.
Option 4: The 24 Hour Hotel Gym
Right next to my apartment is a hotel gym with 24 hour access. It has a universal machine and old school do it yourself dumbbells with weights scattered all over the floor. The gym was empty when I visited most likely because it cost $100 a month.
Convenience isn’t worth getting ripped off.
Option 5: The Soviet Era Gym
If we walk Jamaican, talk Jamaican, and *is* Jamaican, then we sure as hell better bobsled Jamaican.
My building is Soviet, my apartment is Soviet, so why not lift Soviet? The locals warned me that I should elect options 1-4 because of the poor quality of these types of gyms. For one month, I did stay away till I could no longer take the mush that was once my muscle.
I bravely snorted a line of N.O. and went to the basement of Soviet Land. Beyond the rusted weights, the pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger and naked women pinned to the wall, was a bench press that seemed operational, a wide grip pull up bar, a squat rack (in the event I ever do legs), and plenty of space to do push ups- all the essentials for regimented workout.
The price was a reasonable $44 a month which I negotiated down to $33 by bringing exactly 60,000MNT and pleading ignorance when he asked for the extra 20,000.
Add in what appeared to be the rest of the powerlifting team of Mongolia waiting for me to get buried on the bench and I had found the last component of making all kinds of gains while overseas- motivation.
Along with my superficial travel insights about seeing the world on points, I do, from time to time, like to interject a post about the pulse of my surroundings.
It has been a hectic past few weeks here in Ulaanbaatar. First, the President of China, Xi Jinping came for a visit to sign bilateral trade and development agreements with Mongolia. Tomorrow, none other than Vladimir Putin himself is making his way to the capital of Mongolia.
Russian influence in Mongolia dates back to 1921 with the defeat of the Chinese. Communism gave way to democracy with the collapse of the Soviet Union and Mongolia has made strides in adopting a free market economy ever since.
The back to back visits from Mongolia’s neighboring leaders comes at a time when the Mongolian economy is struggling to find its way after a series of missteps that crippled the economic boom of only a few years ago.
With the chaos of the Ukraine, the imposition of sanctions by the EU on Russia, and the close relationship that Mongolia shares with the United States, it will be interesting to see what sort of energy and political deals are struck between the two countries.
The vulnerabilities exposed due to the economic downturn make this country susceptible to the helping hands of their neighbors that may not have the long term interests of Mongolia in mind.
Danger invites rescue but at what cost?
Guess we will find out a little bit more about that tomorrow.
I know that many of you read my blog during extended breaks at work. Today is Labor day in the United States but it isn’t Labo[u]r Day in Mongolia. Accordingly, I cannot take a day off from writing my blog. Long weekends are a great marketing tool for my book, Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong . . . Including Mine, because the excitement of an extra day off really puts things into perspective. Don’t believe me? Tell me how you feel when you head back to the cubicle farm on Tuesday. Don’t kid yourself, you do not like your cubicle job so read the book and get ready to move on.
Since I know most of you are out having a great BBQ, I’m going to keep things upbeat and positive by listing the Top 7 Places You Shouldn’t Work.*
*Coincidentally, all jobs are further discussed in amusing detail in The Book.
7. Taxi Driver
Besides bartending and DJing, being a taxi driver was my favorite job of all time. I started cabbing as a marketing ploy to promote The Book and have a great appreciation for fellow taxi drivers. But the 60 hour work weeks, the very real threat of bodily harm, and the dumb, drunk idiots do not make the $100-$300/12 hour shift worthwhile.
Read more about my life as a JD/MBA Tax-i Attorney here.
6. Professor at a For-Profit School
For one year, I was a professor at a for-profit school until my contract was not renewed. Was this picture a reason why?
See The Book Lesson 9: “This Is It!”. . . Words Of Certain Doom
Perhaps I got too much into character for my professor of Terrorism Law course
5. Cellular Phone Salesman
Is working as a cellphone salesman a good use of your University of Michigan bachelors degree in economics?
When I was 16, I worked the phones at Hungry Howie’s Pizza. This was before the technological advancement called a computer. Anyway, it was a busy Friday night and I was overwhelmed. Delivery orders were being marked as pick up and vice versa. It also didn’t help that the ‘code’ for toppings were beyond asinine. O was for pepperoni and P was for olive!
Needless to say, there were plenty of angry vegetarians that night! The next day everyone’s order went out without a hitch. Most likely because I was fired before that shift began.
The burgers were fresh off the grill, the cooler was stocked with [Tiger] beer, and the obscure Pringle flavors were ready to be devoured. It was time for Saturday night football.
The only anomaly was that the game was starting at midnight. And this stranger that had showed up at my house.
For a moment, I forgot that I wasn’t watching the game in Arizona but my home in Ulaanbaatar. The twelve hour time difference meant the pregame wouldn’t commence with mimosas and Bloody Mary’s. The late kickoff made it appropriate to indulge in a few libations eliminating the need to question why I’m five drinks deep at 9AM.
And what about this stranger in my house? That can only be explained by a reading from the gospel according to the University of Michigan which reveals the following proverbs:
Hey! This is super random. I just finished the Mongol Rally and am in UB. I typed in watch college football in UB into google and your blog came up. I’m dieing to watch the Mich-App State game tonight (Michigan ’09). Any chance we can watch together? Happy to bring beers and I’ve already got my Michigan gear on.
Wherever you go…GO BLUE!
How do you like them apples? The blog’s ability to bring people together knows no borders.
Immediately, I contacted the local embassy, informed them that there was a serial killer on the loose, and that he was wearing Michigan apparel.
Then I came out from hiding and responded that he would be more than welcome to come by for the Michigan opener.
Maybe it was the Pringles spread or perhaps it was the countless bottles of brew, but I was not cut into pieces that night. Instead, me and my new friend, did as all Umich fans do when they watch the maize and blue take the field; we argued.
“Denard Robinson is the most athletic quarterback ever to . . . ”
Me Interrupting
“You’re an idiot! You know nothing about Umich football!”
And on and on it would go, with the temporary cessation of hostilities whenever Michigan would score or a Ohio State lowlight would appear on the screen.
Yes, it felt like I was back in college, watching football, having some drinks, wondering why every out of state Michigan student thought he knew more than I.
In the end, Michigan won 52-14 and my friend and I disturbed the peace of UB, singing a slurred version of The Victors.
It’s our anniversary. Me and you have been at this since March and we’ve closed in on the 25,000 view mark. Now that I post at least once a day, it makes writing the top 7 list for the month difficult.
But rules are rules so I will stick to 7. So here they are:
