I don’t have many friends on Facebook because 1) I hate seeing pictures of their babies. Why do parents think it is fine to invade their children’s privacy? I get annoyed when someone tags me on Facebook. Imagine being tagged peeing on the toilet? It is an abomination that someone would post pictures of their children without the express written consent of the child. 2) Facebook and social media is emblematic of all that is wrong with the world.
Recall that election when a certain someone became President of the United States. Collusion or no collusion, Facebook helped his cause. Now that imbecile is eroding our standing in the world, undermining our institutions, and corroding our values one Tweet at a time. As if that is not bad enough, the President can’t be bothered to adhere to rules of grammar while ruining everything that is great about America. CAPITAL LETTERS! They’re for emphasis, though I’m confident he does not know the difference between ‘capital’ and ‘capitol’. Subject verb agreement? He can’t agree with the unanimous findings of the intelligence community to even begin to understand why a singular noun takes a singular verb. Real words? Why use them when everything is fake news? ‘Covfefe’ anyone?
But maybe the dumbing down of America is what Americans want. Nobody reads books anymore. Nobody buys a newspaper anymore. Heck, it is doubtful that anyone is reading this blog post. Instead, we are consumed by quick headlines, click-bait, and the worst invention in the history of mankind: the emoji.
Which brings me to the point of this post. The evil empire, politely referred to as Facebook above, informed me that today is Happy World Emoji Day. The day to celebrate how our inept friends who live on social media choose to communicate. Years ago, I wrote that Real Writers Don’t Use Smileys. Then I found out that real writers don’t make money (please buy my book, Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong: How I Found Success By £µ¢&ing Up). The ones who make money are the ones who put pictures of poop in their messages or bunny ears in their Snapchat pictures. That garbage is now coveted content. And it’s only getting worse. More Emojis are coming! The fortune cookie writer has been taken off the task of thought-provoking one liners and has been tasked with creating ways to show, courtesy of a smiley, that I am constipated.
The result is a dumb society full of people who walk around staring down at their phones, refusing to interact with others in real time. By the time America weens itself from the crack of social media and lazy expression, it will be too late. The beginning of the end of civilization has arrived and all we will able to say when it gets here is, OMG, WTF followed by this:
*any grammatical errors will be fixed by Clifford as I posted this hastily in anger.