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Telkaif, Iraq: No Need for 23andMe

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Telkaif, Iraq: No Need for 23andMe

Telkaif, Iraq is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report. Catch up on all the posts from Iraq here.

No need for 23andMe. I know where I come from. While my ancient ancestors are from Turkey, the Bachuwas come from a small town on the outskirts of Mosul called Telkaif. Though my grandparents grew up in Baghdad, it was I had to go to where it all began. Driving to this town required another stop at the checkpoint. The security officer could not understand why we were trying to go there. After a lengthy explanation about the cultural and familial relevance, he waved us through. But like Samaraa, we had to surrender our passports (see Navigating Iraqi Checkpoints: The Road to Samarra).

The Town 

While there were signs of normalcy, Telkaif was eerily quiet. Much of the population had left after the invasion of ISIS.

a park with a bench and a playground a tray of bread on a table a group of bowls of vegetables in a display case a bucket of dirt with a shovel

Historical Landmarks 

The first Catholic church was locked away and inaccessible.

a stone building with a cross on top

a hole in a metal wall with a door and a building
That’s not an intentional peephole.

On the way to the second, the sacred heart, we passed by a Catholic cemetery. We tried to go in but it was locked. A random passerby said that the guard in the church had the key.

a street with buildings and power lines

a brick wall with a white box and a white box on ita brick wall with a dirt field behind it

a street with buildings and power lines a wall with writing on ita stone building with a dome and a cross on the sideWe arrived at the church, and again, it was locked. a door with crosses on it a building with a sign on the front

My guide knocked on the door and informed the guard that there was a Chaldean (Catholic Iraqi) from Michigan who wanted to ask him a few questions (Though I am not a practicing Catholic, Catholicism is an integral part of my culture.). A few moments later, he came down and immediately welcomed us in.a door with a cross on ita courtyard with arches and a stone building a painting on a building a building with a couple of windowsa building with arches and a crossa cross on a brick walla statue in a stone wall a courtyard with arches and a cross on top

I thought it would only be a hurried look around and a prohibition on pictures. Quite the opposite, he was thrilled to take us on a tour. The first stop was the part of the church which was restored after the ISIS attack. Seeing the church where my relatives prayed years ago was a solemn moment.

a stone building with a cross in the middle a room with a cross and a chandelier a stone room with a statue of a woman in a blue robe a stone archway with benches and a chandeliera statue in a stone room a picture of a man's face on a wall

The guard took us to two more places of prayer. Both were badly destroyed by ISIS and have yet to be repaired. He told us that people were killed in these rooms. That was disturbing and surreal.a large building with columns and chandeliersa stone altar in a buildinglooking up at a ceiling with a window in the middle a stone room with columns and archesa ceiling with a round windowa ceiling with a circular ceiling with many windowsa ceiling with many windows a stone building with a round staircase and stained glass windows Nuns Quarters

Nuns used to live on the premises but left after the invasion and have not returned.

a building with stairs and a lawn

The Cemetery 

After the tour of the church, the guard gave us the keys to the cemetery. That was unbelievable.a large brown gate with crosses on topa dirt road leading to a stone wall with a gate and a building in the backgrounda dirt road leading to a cemetery a cemetery with a few buildings and a foggy sky a cemetery in a dry fielda stone ruins on a hill a cemetery in a fielda cemetery in a dry field a grave in a cemetery a cemetery with a city in the background a cemetery with a city in the background a cemetery with a cross on top a dirt road leading to a cemetery

I searched for the names of relatives who may have been buried there. I could not locate any of them.

It was sad seeing tombstones shattered into pieces by ISIS.a cemetery with a cross on top of it

Although ISIS was defeated, much of the population of Telkaif left.

We went back to the church to take photos with the guard and thank him for welcoming us. He invited us to tour the neighborhood across from the church. According to my aunt, that is where the Bachuwas lived.a man standing in front of a stone buildingtwo men standing in front of a building

TPOL’s Tip: Here is how you assemble a Russian assault rifle.

a street with buildings and power lines a person walking down a dirt roada street with graffiti on the side of a building a rusty barrel next to a stone wall a wall with a logo painted on it

Return to Mosul

We told the security officer that we were going to Telkaif for a quick look around. When we came back hours later, he inquired why we were gone for so long. Despite our delay in returning, he promptly gave us back our passports and sent us on our way.a tree near a fence

Dinner in Mosul 

To top off one of the best days, we had dinner at what looked like Flint’s own Big John Steak and Onion. The lahem ageen was superb. The bombyah (okra) was good but as usual, it is better made at home. The meat was great, especially the lamb which fell off the bone.

a building with a sign on ita group of pictures on a wall a group of bowls of food a plate of pasta with sauce on it a plate of food with lemons and a pickle a bowl of soup with a blue and white designa close up of food a plate of food on a table a plate of meat and rice

Overall

For food, Mosul is the place to go (see Mosul, Iraq Day 1: The Best Homemade Food in the World) For my Chaldean readers, I loved Telkaif. You will too.

a large white letters with a heart on the side of a road

7 Lessons Learned from FAILING at My 1st Vlog: St. Lucia Carnival

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7 Lessons Learned from FAILING at My 1st Vlog: St. Lucia Carnival

7 Lessons Learned is part of the Master Of Won, TPOL’s adventure behind and in front of the camera, and They Call Me Mr. Fete Trip Reports.

How hard can it be to start a vlog? I am happy that I did not put too much thought into answering that question before launching this channel. I quickly learned that this hobby requires a lot of work, instruction, and talent. To kick it off, I filmed my experience in St. Lucia for carnival. The learning curve for vlogging is as steep as the learning curve for golf, which is also documented in this inaugural film. Fortunately, I don’t take myself too seriously and am happy to publish the result for your amusement. Please join me, Alexander, aka the #masterofwon, as I go on this journey into the known unknown i.e., I know it will be fun, but I have no idea if it’ll be any good. 

Here is the video of truth:

 

TPOL’S March Madness Bracket Challenge Is Back

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TPOL’S March Madness Bracket Challenge Is Back

Last year, I DOGE cut my March Madness bracket (see No TPOL March Madness Bracket. And No One Cares). This year, I’m bringing it back. Winner gets a flight to Puerto Rico to play golf with me. Enter here.

a man standing in front of a large screen

Vlog Premiers Soon

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Vlog Premiers Soon

It has been too long of a journey and we will see if it was worth the cost. However, the first video of my Vlog is set to premier on YouTube (see DJI Flip: Blogging, Vlogging, You, Me & TPOL Will Never Be the Same). Bookmark my channel now before I become a celebrity.

a man taking a selfie

Simply The Best: February 2025

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Simply The Best: February 2025

February was too short but still great. Here are the best posts:

  1. I Am Not a Foodie. And Neither Are You.

    a man in a box eating pizza
    I would like to meet a foodie in person. I wonder if they’ll be as intolerable in person as they are on my blog.
  2. Residency Directory: Where I’ll Live And Why

    a man sitting on a dock with his arms up in the air
    The purpose of a residency is to do what I would do if I were an actual resident. That means not being a tourist. That means not being adventurous.
  3. Eat Like A Local: Madrid, Spain

    a plate of meat and bread on a table
    Everyone has a snooty opinion on what it means to ‘eat like a local.’ Don’t make it complicated. Eat and enjoy.
  4. Kebab Azerbaijan: Best Worldwide?

    a plate of food on a table
    For perhaps the best kebab in the world, go to Firuze. Enough said.
  5. Recap! Madrid Residency

    a man standing on a railing in a stadium with a football field and a football field
    The best idea I have come up with in a while is to live in various cities in the world for a month at a time and act as if I were a local.
  6. Madrid Long-Term Rental: Show Up, Start Living at The Blueground

    a living room with a tv and a table
    Looking to do a residency in Madrid? Stay in Chamberí. Book through The Blueground.
  7. See What? Crapping Out in Monaco

    a large mirror sculpture in a fountain in front of a building
    Did you get the memo that there’s nothing to see or do in Monaco? I did not.

See What? Crapping Out in Monaco

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See What? Crapping Out in Monaco

Monaco Travel Guide is part of the Still The Best Trip Report.

Did you get the memo that there’s nothing to see or do in Monaco? I did not. Before I complain, here’s how to get there:

Nice to Monaco by Train: Next Time by Choppa*

Here is the beautiful train station in Nice:

a building with a clock on the top

With 31 minutes before arrival, I wondered what I would do in Monaco. Would I run into Lewis Hamilton? Would I strike it rich at the Casino, a la James Bond? Would I meet royalty who would take me on her yacht?
a sign on a pole a sign in a building

Walking

It is a pleasant walk from the train station down to the casino. It is an unpleasant trek up hills, in the sun, back to the train station.
a group of people walking in a park

Casino

Come one, come all, and take a photo of the casino.
a large building with palm trees and people in front a fountain in front of a building a large mirror sculpture in a fountain in front of a building

Gambling

TPOL does not gamble. The risk reward does not make sense for me. I have seen friends waste hours at the poker table ‘winning’ only to give it right back minutes, hours, days, later.
a stack of poker chips on a tile floor a stack of poker chips on a table

Cars

Before moving to Puerto Rico (see Despacito! TPOL Is Moving to Puerto Rico! Effective Inmediatamente), I was obsessed with cars. Fortunately, the roads here are so terrible that having anything nice is a bad investment.

a silver car on the street
That does not mean I can’t appreciate beautiful automobiles when I see them.

Yachts

Do you know how much it costs to fill up a yacht? It’s expensive (see Porto Cervo, Sardinia: My Yacht Is Bigger). Fortunately, I don’t have enough money for the petrol, let alone the yacht.

a group of boats in a harbor
That does not mean I can’t appreciate beautiful yachts when I see them.

a group of boats in a harbor a city with many boats in the water

Skyline

If you’re looking for a beautiful skyline facing the Mediterranean, Monaco is not the place to find it. It is old and antiquated.

a group of boats in a harbor

a tall tree next to a body of water
The greenery and flowers were nice, however.

Formula One 

Do you watch Formula One? I do not. But, for those that do, Monte Carlo is the place to be.

a black car parked on a road with a city in the background

a statue of a car on a street a stone plaque with a picture of a race car

TPOL’s Trivia: The first Monaco Grand Prix was held on April 14, 1929, and was not a Formula One race. The first Formula One race in Monaco was in 1969. 

TPOL’s Truth: I have no idea what the difference between Grand Prix and Formula One is.

Overall

I spent a few hours in Monaco, enough to add it to my Country Count List (see Where I’ve Been). I didn’t spend any money in Monaco, counting myself lucky to avoid the upper-echelon pricing.

Dream Midtown: When I Was a Guest of Honor

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Dream Midtown: When I Was a Guest of Honor

Dream Midtown Hotel Review is part of TPOL in NYC.

Before I requalified for Globalist (see Hyatt Globalist: Now What?), I was a simple Explorist. To help a friend preserve his Globalist status and to enjoy the perks of Globalist life, I was bestowed the title of Guest of Honor at the Dream Midtown NYC (see Qualifying for Hyatt Globalist: Did You Know?).

Leaving the Feather Factory LIC, I wondered how I would be received as a Guest of Honor. Would it be more special than simply walking in as a Globalist? Would they say, “Welcome Mr. Bachuwa, today you are a Guest of Honor”?

Checking-In

I was disappointed that there were no trumpets and no mention of being honored.

Room

I was not disappointed with the room.a room with a bed and a desk and a television a bed in a rooma bed with a floral wallpaper a glass light fixture in front of a floral wallpaper a bed with a lamp and a wallpaper a bed in a room a room with a bed and a desk

View

There’s no honor in this view:

a concrete surface with windows in the background

Bathroom

“The royal penis is clean your highness.” There were no bathers, either. a bathroom with a mirror and shelves a group of black bottles with white text a shower with a shower head

Location

The hotel is located in the worst part of NYC – Midtown. If you’re here for work like I was, then the location is convenient. If you’re here for fun, then get out of Midtown.

a city street with buildings and cars on it
Who hates Midtown?

TPOL’s Tip: The address is 210 W 55th St, New York, NY 10019

Rooftop Bar

Knowing that Midtown is a tourist trap without many great bars, I purposefully chose this hotel because there is a rooftop bar.a bar with bottles and glasses on it

TPOL’s TIP: Unless it’s spring/summer, a rooftop bar isn’t the place to be.

a city street with umbrellas and buildings
Cold, artsy day in NYC.

Champagne Happy Hour

In the lobby, there’s a complimentary champagne happy hour. I suggest having a few glasses before heading to those dreaded networking conferences.a cart with wine glasses and bottles

a glass of wine on a table

Bonus

The hotel does have a fish tank.a fish tank with a blue light in the middle

Overall

Guest of Honor sounds like quite the title. While I was treated great, I was expecting more pomp and circumstance from such an esteemed title.

 

Nice to Monaco by Train: Next Time by Choppa*

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Nice to Monaco by Train: Next Time by Choppa*

Nice to Monaco by Train is part of the Still The Best Trip Report.

With an afternoon to spare before my flight to Corsica, I went to Monaco to check off another country (see Where I’ve Been) and to see if it was worth the hype. The Nice train station is only a few minutes walk from the Holiday Inn Express. a building with a clock on the top

Arriving at the station, I found a massive queue of people trying to buy tickets to Monaco. I also found a train station with no a/c that was sweltering hot. The combination of the two made everyone ornery. It also did not help that one of the machines was out of service. Impatient, I tried to see if there were a way to buy a ticket online. It may be possible, but I couldn’t figure it out.

Standing in line, I pondered why I had not made enough money to go to Monaco the right way – via helicopter. Flying Blade, for 195 euros, I could be there in 7 minutes. Instead, I was stuck in a long line of sweaty tourists, reevaluating my life choices.

a man using a machine
One tourist helping another tourist use a ticket machine.
a screen shot of a computer
Not sure why everyone took so long to purchase tickets.
a black rectangular object with orange lights
Helpful sign

a train station with people waiting

Rich or poor, I still advise taking the train. The views are great, the ride is only 31 minutes, and it costs $10 round-trip.

TPOL’s Trick*: Monaco isn’t worth going to more than once, effectively rendering the title of this post useless and necessitating the use of an asterisk (see Crapping Out in Monaco).

 

Courtyard Baku, Azerbaijan: An International Hotel

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Courtyard Baku, Azerbaijan: An International Hotel

Couryard Baku Hotel Review is part of the Reunion Tour Trip Report.

Different brands have different significance in different countries. In China, Buick is a highly regarded brand because the last emperor drove a Buick. I don’t know who stayed at a Courtyard in Central Asia, but when I said I was staying at the Courtyard in Baku, I received looks of approval. Here’s why:

Location

Unlike the Hyatt Baku, the Courtyard is located closer to the city center. A taxi is still required to go to the walking street, but there is an excellent shawarma place nearby  (see Guns & Butter: Baku Travel Guide).

Hotel Itself

The exterior of the hotel is beautiful. a large building with a clock on the front a building with a clock on the front

Suite

The room was excellent. My only complaint was that the beautiful balcony was inaccessible. Can we really not be trusted out there?a room with a bed and chairs a room with a bed and chairsa room with blue chairs and a tva room with a television and a bed a balcony with a view of a city a view of a city from a balcony

Bathroom

Much more modern than the Hyatt Regency Baku.
a bathroom with a glass shower doora bathroom with a mirrora shower with a shower heada group of white bottles with dispensers

No Pool

Baku is hot in September. I was surprised that the hotel did not have a pool like the Hyatt.

Bar

While there was no pool, there was a bar with a mixologist. I recommend the IG-worthy Purple Magic but would stay clear of the rest. a bar with bottles of alcohol a glass of purple liquid next to a bottle of liquid a glass with a straw and a lime in it a glass of beer with a straw and pineapple on a table a glass with a drink and ice

$10/day

As a Titanium Elite, I was given a voucher for $10/day. I was staying for one night and was surprised that I was told that I would receive $10 for each day. Of course, when I checked out, I heard a different story. Indeed, it was $10 total meaning I would have to pay for my bad drink choices.

a cup of coffee and a cookie on a plate
Shouldn’t have ordered the espresso.

Overall

For 17k points, this is the place to stay in Baku.

Residency Directory: Where I’ll Live And Why

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Residency Directory: Where I’ll Live And Why

By now you have read all the posts in the Madrid, Spain Residency Trip. But you may still have questions about where I am going and why I am going there. To start, let’s discuss the why in an FAQ.

  1. What is a residency? A residency is a temporary second home outside of Puerto Rico.
  2. How long am I gone? The minimum is 30 days.
  3. How do I select where I go?
    • The first criterion is based on the size of the city.
    • The second is based on my like or dislike of said city. (see TPOL’s Travels: The Best Big Cities in the World).
    • The third is based on weather.
    • The fourth is based on price. I am not looking to live cheaply. I am looking to splurge and stay in upscale apartments, in the city center, with at least the luxuries of home.
  4. Why not stay in Puerto Rico all year?
    • Weather
      • The weather from May to September is hot as hell.
      • Sept-Nov is hurricane season.
      • November and December are rainy season.
      • Holidays in PR are the worst. There are too many tourists and the power goes out too frequently. Traveling in December is the best because offices aren’t open, there’s a holiday feeling at the airports, and the life clock seems to be on pause.
    • Routine
      • The sun goes down every day at around 6PM. Accordingly, I have a set routine for tennis, golf, working out, and work. This set schedule is exhausting and I need a break to sleep in, slack off, and see new things (see Why A Second Residency?).
  5. How much do you pay for an apartment? $100 a night has been the going rate for a nice apartment (see Madrid Long-Term Rental: Show Up, Start Living at The Blueground). As I go to more expensive cities, I will have to increase my residency allowance.
  6. What do I do ‘in residence’? Nothing. The purpose of a residency is to do what I would do if I were an actual resident. That means not being a tourist. That means not being adventurous. The keyword here is ‘I,’ not you.
  7. Do you work while you’re gone? I keep work to a minimum while I’m gone. This allows me even more time to do nothing.
  8. Do you do back-to-back residencies? In 2023, I lived in Melbourne, followed immediately by Bangkok. Including my trip through the South Pacific, I was gone for more than two months. While it was a perfect experience, I came home to mold in my villa, a non-working golf cart, and two dead vehicles. Until I resolve the issue of home upkeep while I’m away, I am not sure I can do that again.
  9. Can you cancel a residency? Yes, I often do despite announcing that I am going (see 2024 Residencies! Barcelona, Buenos Aires, Cape Town). It can’t be a forced experience.
  10. Are you going to stop galivanting around the globe? Residencies and travel are different. When I travel, I try to see new places to increase my Country Count (see Where I’ve Been) while not staying in a place for more than a few days (see ThePointsOfLife Travel Philosophy).
  11. Weren’t you going to let readers decide where you lived? Yes, that was a bad idea. They would prefer it if I were shipped off to Siberia (see Vote for Where TPOL Will Move Next And…). Now, I decide.

Where will I live?

Initially, I was going to do two residencies a year. One of those two had to be in my two favorite cities: Shanghai, China or Cape Town, South Africa. By going to the same city every other year, I could spend more time enjoying and less time having to deal with setting up a routine. The second residency would be in the following cities with no repeats allowed until I completed the list. Having thoroughly enjoyed my residencies in Madrid, Melbourne, and Bangkok, it may be hard to stick to this rule.

With all of that out of the way, here is the residency list:

December

  1. Sydney
  2. Mumbai
  3. Cairo
  4. Santiago
  5. Istanbul
  6. Singapore
  7. Mexico City
  8. Hong Kong
  9. Hanoi
  10. Buenos Aires

May

  1. New York
  2. Barcelona
  3. Montreal
  4. Toronto
  5. Paris
  6. London
  7. Tokyo
  8. Osaka
  9. Moscow
  10. St. Petersburg

Player Options: I also allow myself 3 bonus options in case war, budget, or intrigue takes over.

  1. Option 1
  2. Option 2
  3. Option 3

Overall

Life is good in Puerto Rico. Life is great in residency.

a man sitting on a dock with his arms up in the air
Sydney: Tentative residency November 2025

 

 

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