The countdown is on to my much-anticipated trip around most of the world which covers Dubai, Shanghai, Tahiti, New Zealand, and Tokyo. As such, I am putting in the time at the gym and fine-tuning my diet so I can get the perfect narcissistic photo of me in the bungalow before indulging on food and drink. For the next few weeks I will be following The Tahiti Diet, a stricter version of what I call the The Cubicle-Ism Diet (if you haven’t bought my entrepreneurship book) or C&B (Chicken & Broccoli if you have a bbq and a condo in Arizona).
Before you go on Amazon and search ‘Tahiti Diet’ let me save you the expense by sharing two things: 1) There’s no book called The Tahiti Diet. 2) The book would be one page long if it did exist.
Before I tell you what I will be eating. Let me tell you what I will not be having before then:
Alcohol
That was tough to write.
Moving on.
Without having to spend money on The World’s Best Champagne, I have more than enough to support the greatest food product in the world, Egg Whites International. I’ve written about it before in my Get Swoll: A Repat’s Guide to Returning Healthy and I’m sharing it again because it is the cornerstone of The Tahiti Diet.
Meal 1 (Breakfast)
8 Squirts of Egg Whites + double espresso + ice
Meal 2 (Snack)
8 Squirts of Egg Whites as an omelette + 1 bag green beans, okra, or broccoli
Meal 3 (Lunch)
8 Squirts of Egg Whites + double espresso + ice
Meal 4 (Snack)
8 Squirts of Egg Whites as an omelette+ 1 bag green beans, okra, or broccoli
Meal 5 (Dinner)
8 Squirts of Egg Whites as an omelette + 1 bag green beans, okra, or broccoli
Meal 6 (Dessert)
8 Squirts of Egg Whites + sugar-free caramel syrup + ice
Maybe I’ll have a box of wheat pasta + plain tomato sauce with pepper every 10 days or when the metabolism slows down but certainly nothing beyond that. As a treat, I will consume Tabasco, one of the World’s Best Hot Sauces, straight from the bottle in between meals.
Having saved you $15.95 from buying another fad diet book, I implore you to invest in another book previously mentioned earlier in this post then call Mac at Egg Whites (877 Egg Whites) right away. If you tell him that TPOL (Alexander Bachuwa) sent you, you’ll get a free tee-shirt on a 4 gallon order.
The alternative is to skip the Tahiti Diet in favor of my fat man pizza in bed + sick mustache
My Instagram game is weak. I don’t have the patience to deal with 75 hashtags and I don’t have a theme besides being ducking awesome in regards to what photos I post. The Angry Professor was asked how many Instagram followers he had and I had to meekly say 180. That’s when I was offered the rare and exciting opportunity for someone to ‘manage my Instagram.’
Maybe I sound like the old man, get off my lawn, but what the duck is managing an instagram account? Oh how I long for the days of Hemingway when words mattered.
Anyhow, the pics I post are pretty sick dude so you should follow me. #cowabunga #kickass #rad #bro #brobro
Follow TPOL!
Here’s a sample of my bitchin’ portfolio. #rockon
The flight attendant coming by with freshly squeezed OJ and cold bubbly triggers a Pavlovian response: fasten your seat-belt and prepare for takeoff.
This wasn’t always the case for TPOL when I used to ride peasant class. Before the abrasive flight attendant sternly warned me to turn off my electronics as I tried to send out one last text meant I had to brace myself for an uncomfortable ride in the middle seat for the next few hours understanding that champagne would not be served.
Posting pic after pic of champagne and my view from the wing exemplifies how ridiculous this whole points game is. Given that levity, I hope you’ll allow me to rank the best champagnes in the world whether drunk aboard an A380 or in the club. I’m certainly not an expert like I am in the world of Malbecs but my palette is improving.
À la vôtre!
10. Louis Roederer’s Cristal
What’s interesting about champagne is how it is portrayed in popular culture. Cristal used to be the most glamorous champagne one could order at the club then the CEO had some racist remarks and Cristal went from the club to snub.
Fuck Cristal, so they ask me what we drinkingI thought dudes remark was rude okaySo I moved on to Dom, Krug RoséAnd it’s much bigger issues in the world, I knowBut I first had to take care of the world I know
I’ve only had Cristal a few times. On one occasion I was very disappointed because the champagne had gone bad. As a novice, I had no idea there was a specific shelf life for champagne. Drinking an ’82 bottle to commemorate the year I was born decades later is not a good idea when the shelf life for a vintage is 5-10 years from purchase.
Champagne in Bali, party lifestyle9. Whatever Is Free
Moving on from Trump Champagne described above, I believe that some of the best champagne is free champagne. In the club or on a plane, free champagne is free. That fake sense of status makes even the most bitter of champagnes taste slightly appealing, if only for a moment.
Terrible champagne in Maldives not so terrible when it’s Maldives8. Freixenet Premium
The snobs will have a field day because I’ve included a bottle that technically isn’t champagne in this list. We all know the requirements for something to be called champagne. You are impressing no one by telling this College Jeopardy factoid.
Freixenet was surprisingly good even though it is very cheap to purchase. I highly suggest drinking a bottle at the Priority Pass Lounge in Atlanta.
Cheap and crisp7. La Grande Annee
Nothing says first class like a bottle of bubbly aboard Etihad. The champagne was lively but bitter, tender yet troubling. I don’t have the proper adjectives to describe this bottle. I can say that it was good but not great.
I assume apartments will have the same champagne as 7776. Luxor Champagne with 24 carat Gold Flakes
Call it novelty, call it stupidity, but I rather enjoyed my Goldschläger inspired champagne before hitting the rooftop pool at the Andaz San Diego. The champagne industry is competitive so marketing ploys like this may be necessary to gain market share. I wouldn’t go out of my way to purchase it but since it also corresponds with #9 on the list, I had no complaints.
Not a particular fan of rose5. Mumm Cordon Rouge Brut
Memories make champagne taste as good as it does. Mumm has been popped on a few noteworthy occasions including some fun in Ibiza and on my return from Abu Dhabi in the Etihad Lounge.
Breaking away from the normal tradition of Coors + Bloody Mary4. Dom Pérignon
Toasting Dom is the ultimate, how to make it in America champagne. Though not particularly seductive, Dom is Dom so it gets a high spot on this distinguished epicurean list.
The lifestyle of the MBA student3. Moet
Quality + great memories + great price point make Moet a winner for TPOL. It was the champagne of choice when I learned I passed the bar exam almost a decade ago.
A classless, amateur way of uncorking2. Veuve Clicquot
I love Veuve. It tastes like success and is affordable even in Birmingham, Michigan or in an adult entertainment lounge in Scottsdale, Arizona.
The impromptu purchase of Veuve, always a good idea1. Krug Grande Cuvée The bubbles feel like crystalline pearls on the palate, exploding with acidulous flavours that stand out against a rich, smooth background of ripe fruit and exotic wood interlaced with the fragrance of white flowers.
That’s how the French expect TPOL to react when he drinks champagne per their website. Interestingly, I had almost used the words verbatim except I had been quoted as saying ‘medley of flowers’. Krug Grande Cuvée is best enjoyed on Cathay first, SQ first, or TPOL’s yacht, a work in progress.
The ultimate sign of a successful blog
TPOL is searching for talent. Specifically, I need someone, preferably Morgan Freeman, to do the voice narration for my book, Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong . . . Including Mine.
This has to be one of the funniest, most creative services that an Amazon affiliate provides. It works like this: Authors post their book on ACX with a brief script. Actors audition for the role and if approved share in the profits of the book.
I would narrate the book myself but TPOL’s Billy Crystal wit and Rodney Dangerfield sense of humor doesn’t come out over audio. If you think you got what it takes to go to Hollywood, feel free to audition here.
The whole thing reminds me of this Seinfeld episode:
As a former professor of Anti-Terrorism law, I am an expert on the subject and should really be on CNN giving my two dinars worth on defeating extremism. My experience flying as an Arab (Iraqi Catholic) is not unique to me. Fellow bloggers (Muslim Travel Girl and Travel Summary) have shared similar stories.
As a child, I always went through security separate from my parents because their passport said ‘Birthplace: Iraq’ while mine said United States. Sorry mom, enhanced interrogation techniques is not a family affair. You and dad are on your own. Minutes or hours later, their bags disheveled but their dignity still intact, my parents finally made it through security. I hope they let you keep the curry you bought from the bazaar. It smelled suspiciously delightful.
Then September 11th happened. After that, it didn’t matter if my passport said United States or if my name was Alexander Smith instead of Bachuwa. All TSA saw was a young, handsome ‘Arab looking’ man. This meant that I was entitled to VIP treatment.
Here is what that entailed:
After walking through screening machine:TSA Agent: Sir you have been randomly selected for additionally screening.Me: Randomly selected?! (Ickey Shuffle ensues)Agent: Sir, please take a seat.Me: Oh how nice they want me to be comfortable.Agent: Please take off your shoes.Me: They really are pulling out all the stops.Agent: Sir, we are going to run your bag again through the machine.Me: How personal!Agent: Sir, I need to swipe your hands.Me: How thoughtful to make sure I wasn’t exposed to explosives.Agent: Sir, thank you and have a great flight.Me: Who else gets that sort of red carpet treatment?And off to the gate I went.
Being angry would have done nothing to stop this ‘random screening’ from occurring. In fact, I try to be all smiles before making my way to security in anticipation of the bullshit that I am about to endure. Terrorists have that stern, serious look, a dead giveaway that they are plotting something. Maybe if I’m happy and easy-going, the agent checking my passport will see that I am not one of them. My field tests have shown that this approach doesn’t work.
Maybe if I sign up for Global Entry I can avoid the hassle of extra screening. Global Entry makes it unnecessary for the government to spy on me since I’m voluntarily giving them access to all of TPOL’s deepest, darkest secrets e.g., I once got a speeding ticket going 50 in a 35 when I was 16. The first time I used Global Entry I was stopped for ‘random screening’. The last time I flew I received extra, extra screening thanks to the Superman SSSS tatted on my chest. I hope they enjoyed running all my electronics one at a time through the x-ray machine. My poor Jambox always has to suffer invasive touching on account of my ethnicity.
Even if I could rationalize the need for extra screening at international airports, I still can’t figure out why I was stopped (with TSA PreCheck) at the tiniest airport. All I could do was laugh.
And that’s my point. If you are of Arab descent, Muslim, or if you’re from South America and happen to look like you could be from Yemen, be sure to pack your sense of humor before you arrive at the airport. Like many of us who have gone through the charade of airport security, you too will be subject to VIP treatment and it isn’t because you are flying Etihad Apartments. It’s because you look the way you do.
I used to think that I was performing my civic duty by dealing with this nonsense. My reasoning was that many terrorists today are of Arab descent and their actions eliminated the benefit of the doubt for people who look like me. If I have to endure a few minutes of embarrassment in the interest of national security, so be it.
The truth is profiling does not keep us safer. It wastes the time of law-abiding citizens. It is predictable and misguided. While Mr. TSA is running chemical experiments on my carry on, the Scooby-Doo perpetrator is sneaking by checkpoints disguised in a blond wig and hipster lensless eyeware.
Maybe somebody should stop him for being a douche bag.
It’s not a terrorist, it’s TPOL on a camel.
For the past few weeks our way of life has been under siege. It started with the Serve shutdowns, continued on with the Hyatt DSUs expiring, grew more complicated with Chase’s churn crackdown, and culminated with the AA deval. Besides wishful thinking about Anbang still buying SPG, there is little to write about in the world of points. Although I still have some mins to hit, I am enjoying what feels like the off-season in terms of juggling all aspects of the points process.
With no imaginary trips to plan, I am able to see how much time and energy this pastime requires. While it makes for great blog content, keeping up with the latest news, getting the latest offers, and making reservations before devaluations strike is more than a part-time job. I can almost see why those outside of our industry think that we are crazy. Then I look at my upcoming trip to Tahiti which starts on Emirates Shower Class and realize that they are the crazy ones for not getting in on the action.
Per usual, when there is no breaking points news, TPOL goes back to Trip Report writing, a cathartic exercise for validating the points hustle process.
Thank you for reading.
See you soon Dubai
Does anyone have anything good to say about British Club World? It doesn’t seem so. The title of Gary’s post Just How Bad Is British Airways Club World is another chapter in the series of not so great reviews of British business class. After reading a review for the Grand Hyatt Cannes and the great perks for Hyatt Diamond, I began to think about my round trip ticket from South of France with a return from Milan on British for 30k Avios + $800.
When I booked, I had the choice of flying American or British. I scoffed at the idea of flying a US carrier and even paid a few more dollars to fly BA. Now, with one bad flight review after another, it seems like a made a mistake. If I had to do it over again, I still would fly BA there on the A380 but return on American. At least I would be able to try two different products instead of repeating, if the reports are true, the same mediocre experience twice.
Now I’m wondering if I should use Avios to upgrade to first class, try to call terrible British customer service and switch my return flight to AA (without paying a change fee), or stop being a baby and endure the grave injustice of a round trip business class flight for the decent deal that I paid.
Concurrently, I implore bloggers to stop writing about how awful Club World is. Alternatively, maybe BA can stop sucking. Twitter / @NicoGausserand
January 2015: 12 dead in Paris, France
November 2015: 130 dead in Paris, France
December 2015: 14 dead in San Bernadino, California
January 2016: 13 dead in Istanbul, Turkey
March 2016: 5 dead in Istanbul, Turkey
March 2016: 31 dead in Brussels, Belgium
And those are just attacks in the West. The list goes on indefinitely if it includes terrorist attacks in the Middle East, Africa, and beyond. Bombings in Lebanon receive little coverage, slaughters in Iraq are attributed to sectarian violence, and strife between Israel and Palestine is reported as an election issue, not a humanitarian crisis. Meanwhile, rampant killings by Boko Haram are overlooked because the world chooses to ignore Africa.
In Belgium, there is a community of young, disenfranchised Arab men who have not assimilated into European society. They live in low-income communities and are angry and resentful of the status quo. These weak-minded individuals are easy prey for radical clerics who promise salvation if they will go to the Middle East and fight for the caliphate. Some of these men who were petty criminals in Belgium return from Syria as jihadi fighters, even more convinced than ever that they are carrying out a higher calling. By then it is too late. There is no amount of intelligence or international coordination that can thwart their plots. It no longer becomes a matter of if but a matter of when and where there will be devastation. Meanwhile, the world watches in horror as more innocent people are killed.
At some point, there has to be an honest evaluation for how to end such bloodshed not only in the West but also throughout the world. At some point, the civilized world has to understand the basis of radicalization instead of simply believing it to be a war of good versus evil. Affiliating killers as members of a particular group does not explain the motivations of the actual actors involved. Designating killings as a terrorist attack does not make the tragedy more understandable or future ones more preventable. At some point the world must ask why there are men on the battlefield. Only after that question is answered can extreme ideology be defeated.
I’m not sure what’s going on with my Hyatt account. This is the second time that I have received a notification that clearly was not meant for me. It says that the confirmation number for a reservation and the dates. The email came from consumeraffairs@hyatt.com and somehow ended up in my inbox. I feel like I’ve been sent to the principal’s office and am checking my account to see if any of my reservations have been affected. Everything seems normal there.
This is the second strange Hyatt email incident after my Naughty or Nice: Hyatt Knows About Your Complaints.
I feel like I should call Hyatt and turn myself in but I have no idea what is going on. So much for data spill security.
Points enthusiasts and sports enthusiasts have a lot in common. There’s the glory from booking an award redemption right before the devaluation cutoff and the agony of defeat from believing that a good deal has been locked up. (reference Northern Iowa who had the worst meltdown in the NCAA ever or Michigan State as examples of good things gone bad)
I started feeling good about myself when I heard that Anbang trumped Marriott’s offer to kill my favorite points program. The buzzer had not sounded as Marriott had until the 28th to counter. It only took them a couple of days to do so. Now, once again, the wind has been taken out of my sails.
Is this merger going into overtime? Or is this the end of the Cinderella dream of keeping Marriott, the Duke of hotel chains, from taking down a mid-major.
Only time will tell.
Nothing to celebrate
