Hoot! You were expecting another word? It’s still a PG-13 world, so no I can’t abandon all censorship. But, what I am doing is adding yet another social media application to my arsenal. This time it’s Snapchat. Why am I finally getting ‘hip’ and using an app that’s been around forever? The idea came after my ‘no free breakfast post’ resulted in a record number of comments (and death threats).
New readers to my blog or ones that don’t get my sense of humor went on and on about my lack of character. To give them more reason to dislike me, I figured I’d post photos of TPOL actin a fool in real-time. This includes participating in pointless debauchery, consuming alcohol, and other sins frowned upon by the anti-social establishment.
Think of it as the picture version of my a-live posts, a category of my blog where I write quick updates of TPOL on the go (curiously also criticized for its lack of depth by readers who don’t get I’m writing these barely edited posts from my BlackBerry).
Who knows how long I’ll play the Snapchat game but since all the crazy kids are doing it, I too will take a hit.
From Tahiti to Bora Bora to Moorea, TPOL has made his way around French Polynesia. With nothing but French television and CNN International to entertain me (or $10 for a DVD rental), I decided to write an overdue a-live post and give a quick run down of my impressions of this island getaway.
1. The weather: When the sun is out, there’s no place in the world I’d rather be. When it rains, the landscape is still captivating. When it’s overcast, the weather reminds me of my Mongolian shower: I try to convince myself that it’s hot but it’s actually depressing. Then the hot water, or sun in this case, comes out and things are fine again. (For those that haven’t lived in Mongolia, substitute the Wifi going out instead for no hot water)
2. The service: Like the weather, the service is hit or miss. The IC Moana was apathetic at best while the IC Thalasso had some pleasant staff and some who couldn’t be bothered to help.
3. The prices: Caution you’re about to enter a TPOL talking about prices episode. I get that I’m on a secluded island and all the rest of that jibber-jab but people also live on this island full-time and they are offended that the Hilton Moorea charges $90 for three crepes. While I’m on the subject, Hilton Diamond members get a free cold breakfast. It’s a $10 up charge for a very bad hot buffet. All the resorts including Le Meridien have had disappointing breakfast spreads. (wait till you read my dazzling reviews of the breakfast in Shanghai in comparison) I would rather have Apple Jacks and skim milk than what I’ve been given here.
4. The excursions: Thus far the drunken duck tour has been my favorite excursion. Nothing like jumping off of your own bungalow into a sea of blue then floating away on a private duck to start off the day. Second to duck times has been snorkeling. Tomorrow is shark and sting ray petting for a reasonable price of $60 followed by a day of golf for $125 inclusive of club rentals, lunch, and a souvenir ball. That’s a spectacular deal.
5. The comparisons: This is a fast and dirty list.
Hawaii: But for points I’d say skip Tahiti for Hawaii.
Mauritius and Seychelles: For activities and beauty, these two are better.
Maldives: I wasn’t impressed with the service in the Maldives but nothing beats the bungalow with the hot tub on the deck.
Overall, I will remember Tahiti for my time spent enjoying Tahiti’s natural beauty. It’s fair to say that the big brands and influx of tourists have tarnished the innocence of this place. On my way here, I met a woman who was not staying at any of the five-star hotels, opting for a tent instead. Apart from dealing with the cockroaches in my IC room which had no a/c, I can’t help but wonder if her approach to Tahiti is better than mine. That is why the next time TPOL goes to an island, he will seek out a place that doesn’t accept points, a bold statement given the ‘P’ in my name.
TPOL is high up in a plane en route to Moorea. My quick assessment of Bora Bora is a function of the sun. If the sun is out, then the views are spectacular, the water is crystal clear, and life is good. Yesterday was a perfect day of sunshine which I spent on my duck.
Today I woke up to rain clouds which are always a downer except for departure day. One hour away from Moorea it seems like the sky is clearer in preparation for TPOL’S arrival.
A $5 bus ride is all that separates me from my much-anticipated stay at the Hilton Moorea.
After the beef jerky got old, after my limbs went numb, I realized I was in need of sustenance so I caved and splurged for the $20 breakfast buffet. Curiously, the price went up to $40 because I did not confirm that I wanted breakfast the day of my arrival. Sorry (but not sorry) to report that the breakfast was pretty awful. There were drosophila melongaster on the fruit, the eggs were soggy, and the spread was very basic. #factsonly
Normally, I wouldn’t dedicate a blog post on my least favorite meal of the day but I thought it would be good fun to antagonize the angry commentators who went out of their way to call me ‘cheap’, ‘pathetic’ and even a ‘pos’. This was a result of my previous post where I expressed my surprise that being an IHG platinum does not mean breakfast is included. I don’t stay with IHG frequently and do not know the terms of the program, another point at which the commentators took exception.
Despite the mediocrity of my breakfast, I have to say that today was a great day. I spent the afternoon sipping champagne with my new best friend while soaking in the sun.
Manziel $$$ signsDuck the hatersBest $30 pizza I’ve ever bought
Do you know who I am! It almost slipped out when I checked into the InterContinental Bora Bora Le Moana and was told in no uncertain terms that there would be no upgrade, no free breakfast, and no additional perks. TPOL has manners so I bit my tongue then relentlessly asked why breakfast wasn’t included as a IHG Platinum. I’ve only stayed at one InterContinental in Joberg so I know little about the program. I just assumed that my status included breakfast. The best offer I received was a fifty percent discount which brought breakfast to a reasonable $20. Well nourished from beef jerky, I declined.
Honestly, I don’t care about breakfast but I do care about attitude. We all have been pampered more than we deserve on account of our status. SPG, Hilton, and Hyatt make life on the road sometimes feel better than home. The soaps, the buffets, the upgrades make me feel like a member of their family. At IHG the impression I got was that I was lucky to find a points redemption and I should appreciate that my sneaky ways got me this far. Asking or hinting for anything more would be an insult.
Maybe I’ve grown too accustom to VIP service, but I don’t understand the point of the hotel telling me all the things I won’t be receiving. Perhaps they are sick of all the points people coming in and not falling for their outrageous prices. Perhaps they knew in advance of TPOL’s complaining ways (in which case I’m glad they are reading this post). In either scenario, they could be a little nicer about it.
The real crime is how the hotel has a Nespresso machine but charges $5 for capsule. Come on, that’s just stupid.
Punishment for a life of complaints is an overcast day
Plastic bags aren’t carry-ons.
“Please take some of the stuff out of your back pack and put it in your checked luggage.” Air Tahiti has a strict AirAsia style rule when it comes to luggage: 5kg for carry-on and 10kg for checked.
The rule doesn’t apply for duty free items which easily weigh over twenty pounds. Six bottles of champagne and white wine along with pounds of beef jerky, peanuts, goldfish, and snack bars do not count towards the weight limit.
If you’ve packed a few too many golf balls and are looking to smuggle them on board, the solution is to stuff them in your “not carry-on” bag of goldfish and proceed to the gate.
Now I’m off to Bora Bora then Moorea to lose said balls.
What do I do now? There are no more visa issues. There aren’t any more arguments to be made about business class upgrades. All I see is a bungalow and water.
Welcome to a paradise for those who know how to relax. Over the next 9 nights I plan on figuring out how to do so. I’ve purchased loads of champagne and New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc to assist in the process. I’ve also brought along tons of snacks to combat the hunger pains from avoiding the unreasonably priced menu. Still, compared to Maldives, French Polynesia is a bargain. The bungalow upgrade was only $450 for five nights in Moorea compared to $650 for one night on Rangali. The seaplane was $500 roundtrip in Maldives compared to $400 from Tahiti to Bora Bora to Moorea to Tahiti.
The drinks here at Le Meridien Tahiti are $16 a pop which isn’t horrible but besides my patented pina colada snapshot, I don’t think I’ll be sipping on too many of them. TPOL brought a nice bottle of Bacardi’s Silver Rum for day time festivities.
One thing that is a ripoff are taxis. I’ll have to add this place to the taxi blacklist especially if you find yourself landing at night. Taxis from PPT to Le Meridien are $40 for a fifteen minute drive with additional charges for extra luggage. To that point, I will say that the worst idea for this trip was bringing golf clubs. I missed my tee time in Dubai thanks to Emirates checking my bags through to Shanghai. I didn’t golf in Shanghai because I was too busy having fun. And I’m leaving my clubs in Tahiti because the $60 charge of taking them on the plane plus the charges of loading them from one taxi boat to another will be much higher than renting.
This final point of my ramble is a welcome relief as TPOL can go back to the days of no checked in luggage, a streak of 6 years that was broken by my new hobby.
So I’m in coach from AKL to PPT. I tried everything upon arriving in AKL to have my voluntary downgrade to economy changed to business. I tried two times at the Air New Zealand Lounge. I called United twice to see if availability had opened. I called Air New Zealand and was put on hold for forty minutes. I pleaded with the gate agent and another agent and then the first agent again to put me in my rightful place (insert troll joke here). She said, “We don’t just put people in business ‘willy nilly’. We have a procedure.” Defeated, I boarded the empty 767 and told my sob story to the flight attendant. He felt for me then promptly directed me to the back of the plane.
I counted at least 7 empty seats in business and a dozen in premium economy as I defiantly took my seat in peasant class. I’m sick of champagne anyway.
This Tahiti flight changes more times than the Cleveland Browns change coaches. I’m at PVG where I was supposed to fly ANA Dreamliner to NRT then Air New Zealand to AKL. While in the Air China lounge, a staff member of ANA found me and said that I would miss my connection from NRT due to air traffic congestion. To remedy that situation, they wanted to switch me to a direct flight from PVG to AKL. I went back through customs, back to the ticket counter, and, two hours of waiting later I was rebooked direct to AKL.
Though I wanted to experience ANA business, I will not complain about this direct route which is next to impossible to book through United.com
Away I go, I think.
There they go with my golf clubs
I’m on my way out of Shanghai on my way to Tahiti so I have time for a quick a-live post. Since taking off from JFK, I’ve yet to break out my iconic Nikon J1 camera because the Samsung is doing the job spectacularly.
In Dubai I took it to the pool and kept my other waterproof Nikon in my luggage. The phone is water-resistant so there was no issue taking it for a dip.
In Shanghai I used it to take stunning photos of the triple towers both by day and by night. Remarkably, the night photos are better than anything I can take with my Nikon as an amateur photographer who relies heavily on auto settings.
The best part of using the Samsung as my primary camera is linking it to my Dropbox. I know my pictures are safe and accessible. This provides for real-time Instagram posts, a big positive for blogging.
I’m not ready to abandon my other cameras quite yet. I am always outraged when I see someone using their iPhone to photograph historical sights, but maybe the time has finally come when carrying an extra device won’t be necessary.
