Guns & Butter: Malta Travel Guide


Malta Travel Guide is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.

TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible. Here’s how it works: A trip is composed of two factors: Labor And Lazy. The opportunity cost (what is given up) for relaxing and being Lazy is gained by being adventurous in the form of Labor and vice versa. The guide includes inefficient activities i.e., tourist traps that should be avoided and aspirational activities that are worth doing but may be impossible to see given the constraints of time and resources.

Have you been to Malta? If I had the means, I would much rather live there than my almost second home, Castiglione, Sicily (see Did TPOL Buy a 1 Euro Italian Villa?). But if you don’t have years to spend on the island, here’s what you can see in two days:

St Julian’s

I stayed at the Hyatt Regency Malta (see Back to Beautiful) which is located in St. Julian’s, the party district of Malta.

Across from the Hyatt is a mall with this treasure:

The beach in St. Julian’s can be skipped.

The main draw of St. Julian’s is the restaurants and nightlife.

Havana Club is the best rum in the world.
Hugo’s Lounge serves excellent sushi.

TPOL’s Tip: Hugo Malta is located at St George’s Road, St Julian’s STJ 3340, Malta


Did you know Valletta is the smallest capital city in Europe? It’s worth walking from the entrance with the fountain through the cobbled streets to Fort. St. Elmo’s for the view.

Fort St. Elmo

It’s also worth sticking around for lunch. Outside the tourist trap restaurants of the city square (see Don’t Pay $30 for Tacos), we found St. Paul’s restaurant. Excellent espresso, vino, cold beer, and the biggest mussels I’ve ever had.

TPOL’s Tip: St. Paul’s is located at VGX8+5X8, Lvant, Il-Belt Valletta, Malta.


Did you know that the original capital of Malta was Mdina? It is even smaller than Valletta.

Don’t be a bad tourist.

Nothing beats getting lost in an old town (see Astray in Old Town: Great Places to Get Lost).

The pride of Malta is the doorknockers. I couldn’t help but take photo after photo.

Outside the city walls was a dessert place. Samples are freely given.

Cottonera (Three Cities) 

The Three Cities is a collective description of the three fortified cities of Vittoriosa, Senglea and Cospicua in Malta. I went to take photos of the yachts and in search of Malta’s signature cuisine, the rabbit.

I found the super yachts but struck out on the rabbit. The first restaurant said they had it and then they said they ran out. The second restaurant also said they had it, I ordered it, but then 30 minutes later, they said they ran out. The concession prize was rabbit pasta.


The highlight of the trip was going to the fisherman’s village of Marsaxlokk. We chartered a dinghy and set sail for St. Peter’s Pool famous for cliff diving.

TPOL’s Tip: It should cost 16 euros to go on a tour per the hotel. The best I could do was 20 euros.

Notice the price is not listed.
The captain’s jokes were complimentary.


The concierge called all over the island searching for rabbit. Somehow, every restaurant was out. Finally, they made a reservation for us at Rampila, bomb shelter where everyone but the bunnies are safe.

From Puerto Rico, to Russia, (see Guns & Butter: Moscow Travel Guide ) to Malta, I have to say that I love rabbit.

TPOL’s Tip: Rampila is located at St. Johns Cavalier Il-Belt Valletta, VLT 1110, Malta

Odds & Ends

Rabbit is satisfying but, as they say in Malta, there’s always room for gelato and falafel.

TPOL’s Tip: Falafel Street is located at 4 Ordinance, Valletta VLT 1021, Malta

And as they say in England, there’s always room for gin.

TPOL’s Tip: The Pub is located on 136 Archbishop St, Valletta, Malta. 

Knock Knock

As I wrote above, I was enthralled with Malta’s door knockers. I searched far and wide to bring one home. The only place I could find one of sound quality was in Valletta. With limited luck haggling, I paid $110 for the beautiful lion (reference Bargaining Pricing Guide).

Covid Scam Testing

Reading this now, you probably have wiped all memories from of Covid from your mind. This trip ended in October 2021. During that time, America had the asinine policy of requiring Americans to test negative if they wanted to come home (see COVID Test for Return Travel Is Stupid). The cost of that test in Malta was $40, better than the UK prices (see Scam Covid Test #1: Entering the UK & Scam Covid Test #2: Leaving the UK), but a scam nonetheless (see Scam Covid Test #3: Leaving Malta).

What a bullshit money grab.


Like Cyprus (see Guns & Butter: Ayia Napa, Cyprus Travel Guide), I was not in Malta long enough. Like Cyprus, I plan on returning and doing nothing when I get there.



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