Guns & Butter: Tallinn, Estonia Travel Guide

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Guns & Butter: Tallinn, Estonia Travel Guide

Tallinn Estonia Travel Guide is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report.

TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible. Here’s how it works – A trip is composed of two factors: Labor And Lazy. The opportunity cost (what is given up) for relaxing and being Lazy is gained by being adventurous in the form of Labor and vice versa. The guide includes inefficient activities i.e., tourist traps that should be avoided and aspirational activities that are worth doing but may be impossible to see given the constraints of time and resources.
There are places in the world made for partying. Tallinn is one of them. But there’s more to do than that.
a manhole cover on a cobblestone road
Get your mind out of the gutter. See the sites.
Walk Around The best activity in Tallinn is walking around the old town. I have said this about many towns in Europe because it is true (see Astray in Old Town: Great Places to Get Lost). The adventure that awaits is anyone’s guess. The result is always the same: pure joy. a stone towers with red roofs a stone alleyway with buildings and graffiti a building with flags on the side of it a street with people walking on the street Weather Tallinn in May is still chilly. It drops down to the low 40s at night. Drink accordingly.
a statue of a dog on a sidewalk
Or buy a fur coat.
Bars Tallinn does not fall short when it comes to bars. Rule #1, as always, is to avoid bars in the city square (see Don’t Pay $30 for Tacos). Prices are higher and tourists abound. a brick square with a tower in the middle a group of people outside a restaurant Hell Hunt We started our adventure at Hell Hunt. The first beer was my standard favorite, Leffe. The second was a crisp house lager. a building with signs on the side of it a glass of beer on a table a room with pipes and lights TPOl’s Tip: The address is Pikk 39, 10133 Tallinn, Estonia. Dinner I was looking for Estonian food. I walked by a seafood restaurant, glanced at the menu, then carried on. I double-backed when I glanced in the window at a patron’s plate. What followed was a culinary experience of caviar and shellfish. Coupled with champagne, it brought me back to the high life of Cathay (see Seafood in Estonia: What a Treat). a bottle of wine in a bucket with two glasses of wine a plate of seafood on a table a plate of food on a table TPOL’s Tip: Nautilius is located at Pikk 36, 10123 Tallinn, Estonia. Pikk No tourist traps on Pikk street. a brown sign with white text Cannabis I went to a coffee shop for late-night espresso only to find that it was a cannabis shop. I was surprised to learn that marijuana is legal in Tallin. It’s legal to smoke in public. I stuck with Lavazza. a counter with a display case and a sign a glass of coffee on a plate on a table TPOL’s Tip: If you’re going to smoke, save your receipt from the CBD store in case the police ask where you obtained your sticky icky. Karaoke TPOL is an overnight celebrity in Tallinn. After this perfect rendition of Paradise City, I had to leave the bar and ward off the paparazzi. a sign with a couple of images of a man and woman
a group of men sitting in a restaurant
Where’s TPOL’s photo?
a television and a man on a wall
Here I am! Note: They love singing old folk songs. Learn those if you want to make friends.
TPOL’s TIP: Satumaa Karaoke is located at Viru tänav 4, 10140 Tallinn, Estonia Bar Hopping After that it was onto bar after bar. a tall glass of beer on a table TPOL’s TIP: Drink Bar & Grill is located at Väike-Karja 8, 10140 Tallinn, Estonia. Most bars were the same but one stood out: Sigmund Freud. Here, the mixologist made a lovely gin-based drink with my favorite liqueur, St. Germain’s. But that was not the highlight. The highlight was the pickle shots. a sign on a building a menu on a table a bar with many bottles and glasses a group of glasses on a table Clubs If you want to stay out past your normal bedtime, Tallinn has many options. Venus is the one in the guides, but Hollywood had the longest line that night.
a group of people standing around a fountain in front of a building
Probably too old for this shit.
Sushi 24 I tried to have some late-night sushi, but the demand was too high. The wait for takeaway was 40 minutes. a sign on a sidewalk
a building with a flag on it
Walked home instead.
Day 2 The best part about visiting Tallinn in the spring are the long days. This makes waking up at 4PM acceptable.
a street with people walking on it
7:30PM
Pho @ Tartar On Day 1, I walked by a restaurant and observed happy people drinking wine and carrying on. The sign said kook and bar. I later figured out that kook meant kitchen and not crazy. Having said that, it was madness that an upscale restaurant that was not solely Vietnamese could deliver on pho (see Pho-usion in Estonia). a bowl of soup and a bowl of food View from Above Walk past the gates of old town, past the tourist trap square, and then head up the road until you come upon a small fountain with a deer. Now, look up. That’s where you want to be. How do you get there? Go left and take the cobbled street past the parliament and go right.
a stone wall with a building on the side
Parliament
You will first see a church, make a right. Alexander Nevsky Cathedral, Tallinn with a domed roof Walk past the Mexican consulate on your left. a sign on a wall The first right takes you to the observatory for some stunning views of Tallinn. a city with red roofs and trees a rooftops of a city TPOL’s Tip: Be on the lookout for solo travelers Vista Pimpin. The line, “Do you want a picture? Isn’t this view beautiful?”, is a weak pickup line. Hell Hunt I couldn’t get enough of Hell and went back for a Hoegaarden.
a black board with white text and bottles of alcohol on the wall
Many Estonian craft beers are available.
Dinner Caution: The sun may not go down, but the hours pass and restaurants close. I did not make it to another Silver Spoon as I would have liked. I ended up at a nice Portuguese restaurant. The atmosphere in the bunker was better than the food. The wine was just right. a group of people sitting at a bar a bowl of green olives and a glass of wine
two men holding wine glasses
In Tallinn, you may even run into a fellow UMich grad.
TPOL’s Tip: Tasca Portuguesa is located at Olevimägi 3, 10123 Tallinn, Estonia Restaurants Recs I received the following restaurant recommendations from the Silver Spoon creator, but did not have the time to go to them:
  • Rado: Vene 7, 10123 Tallinn, Estonia
  • Lee (Local Food): Uus 31, 10111 Tallinn, Estonia
  • Guru (Indian): Aia 10a, 10111 Tallinn, Estonia
  • Noa (Local Food. Requires a taxi. Great view of the city from across the sea): Ranna tee 3, 12111 Tallinn, Estonia
Freud’s Wanting to understand more about my oral fixation, I returned back to Freud’s for more pickle shots and mixed drinks.
a drink with a paper clip on it
I left my UMich date for Tinder.
Club Right across the street was a nightclub where the hours flew by. No pictures were taken. Shawarma Under the influence, I made a stop at the shawarma shop. It’s delicious minus the heartburn. No photos were taken. Day 3 KGB I know what you are thinking. TPOL didn’t do anything of cultural significance in Tallinn. I would disagree citing that drinking is the best way to make friends anywhere in the world (see Ganbei! The Guide to Making Friends). For the sober among us, I have an experience that you will enjoy. I went for a tour of the hotel which was used by the KGB to spy on persons of interest (see The KGB Hotel in Tallinn: Someone’s Always Watching) a large building with windows
a white door with a logo on it
Translation: “nevermind, nothing.” As in nothing to see here.
a room with a desk and a table with a mannequin in uniform
a wooden desk with a metal tag on it
The desk says property of KGB. Worst kept secret.
Delayed Flight = More Food Since Air Baltic canceled my flight to Vilnius (see airBaltic: Great Flight When It Finally Takes Off), I found myself with unexpectedly more time in Tallinn. Unprepared, I went for Italian food at Restoran Controvento. I spent too much on lunch by ordering a bottle of wine, 2 dishes, coffee, and dessert. a pizza with pepperoni and basil a plate of spaghetti with sauce TPOL’s Tip: I don’t have the solution for staying healthy on holiday and not breaking the bank (see A Holiday of Healthy, Tipsy, & on Budget? Basically Impossible). But coffee in a restaurant? Always a no. Dessert? Definitely not. It all adds up in money or calories or both. TPOL’s TIP: Restoran Controvento is located at Vene 12, 10140 Tallinn, Estonia Overall Two nights in Tallinn were plenty.

8 Months Later, I Received My Chase United Bonus

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8 Months Later, I Received My Chase United Bonus

I made the mistake of not putting in my United number when I applied for the Chase United Business card (see Remedial Reminder: Put Your Rewards Account Number in Your Credit App). I contacted Chase a few times to inquire as to where my 150,000 miles were. I was too lazy to pick up the phone, and it ended up costing me as the discounted business class ticket was no longer available at the time of booking. Resilient, I transferred miles to my ANA account and booked an even better award (see 25,000 Mile RTW Trip Including Iraq Booked!). In May, I received the first 75k miles, but the other 75k was nowhere to be found. Still averse to picking up the phone, I contacted Chase through the secure message center. Though it took going back and forth several times, I am happy to say that I received the final 75k. They also threw in another 10k for the inconvenience. a white background with black text Now, where to go with this newfound wealth? I will let history be my guide (see Revealed: An Insane Use of The United ‘Free’ One way (Part 1) & Revealed: An Insane Use of The United ‘Free’ One Way (Part 2)).

The KGB Hotel in Tallinn: Someone’s Always Watching

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The KGB Hotel in Tallinn: Someone’s Always Watching

KGB Hotel is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report.

My visit to the Hotel Viru was the most interesting hotel experience I have had since I stayed in the Hollywood Tower Hotel in Orlando, Florida (see The Hollywood Tower Hotel Orlando, a Terrifying Experience).
a building with glass windows
Looks like a typical entrance to a hotel.
a red mat on the ground outside of a building
Welcome mat.
Checking In The front desk was manned by a gentleman who introduced himself by stating that his code name is Pavo. He also claimed that it was his real name.
a man standing in front of a sign
‘Pavo’
I was told to go to floor 22 and wait with ‘exemplary patience.’ I would be given a tour of the facilities that would last 59 minutes. a close up of a elevator a number on a wall Pavo met us on the 22nd floor. He said he would share a secret. Although the hotel has 23 floors, the elevator only went to 22. Referring to the 23rd floor, he said, “It’s not recommended to go there.” Pavo went on to explain how the hotel was the best hotel in all of Tallinn when it opened 50 years ago on May 5th, 1972. Everyone famous stayed at the hotel including Neil Armstrong, Elizabeth Taylor, and other VIP’s. Back then, citizens of the Soviet Union could not travel to capitalist countries and access to Western goods was very limited. The rare place where these goods existed was in Tallinn thanks to a black market facilitated by those coming to the hotel. a bulletin board with pictures on it In a stealth move, Pavo showed us the doorway to the 23rd floor and welcomed us upstairs. He noted that behind the gray wall there was a technical room which housed a copy machine. On the copy machine was a meter which counted the number of copies employees made to make sure no one was copying unauthorized books. a man walking up a staircase TPOL’s Trivia: 42 miles to Helsinki, a bit too close for comfort for Soviet officials. TPOL’s Trivia: The KGB’s headquarters was not at the Hotel Viru. It was in the old town next to St. August’s church. Attention to Detail No detail was overlooked in this hotel. On each floor there was a babooshka who documented when I left and when I returned. This was done for my own safety.
a red table with a telephone and a chair in a room
Babooshka in the photo frame.
If you’re in need of toilet paper, no need to call the Wherever, Whenever number. Just complain aloud and in only a few minutes someone will knock on your door. Not all the rooms were bugged. They had about 60 rooms that had microphones in the room for suspicious citizens. Who was suspicious? They looked at the occupation. Politicians, guides who could speak foreign languages, priests, journalists- TPOL.a poster with pictures of people and a tall building In the dining room, they bugged the bread plates. The signal went to the ceiling. The restaurant’s office was on the 2nd floor. It was used for spying.a table with a white tablecloth and red chairs In the bar, they put the bug in the ashtray. Women of low social responsibility were invited to the hotel.  They had to cooperate with the KGB.
a book with writing on it and a pen on a table
What do you think they mean by tips?
During the hiring process, a typical interview question was, “Do you have relatives abroad?” God help those that did. The interview became much longer.
a mannequin in a uniform next to a table with papers
I’m here for my interview.
a room with a white brick wall and a white brick wall with a white brick wall and a white brick wall with a white brick wall and a white brick wall with a white brick wall and a
a view of a city from a high rise building
Balcony from the office.
Today, there are only 92 employees. When it opened there were 1000 employees. There was a dentist and shoemaker on site. There were also bell boys who took great care to learn every detail about their guests. To keep employees from snooping around, the KGB used to set booby traps. An employee may find a ‘lost’ purse. If the employee opened it to satisfy his own curiosity, he would be sprayed with red paint that would not come off easily. This is a new twist on the saying – caught red-handed.a plate and a pink case on a glass table KGB During the old times, there were a dozen or so KGB officers who used to watch the guests. Interestingly, the employees coexisted. Each knew of the other and went about his or her business accordingly. For example, this door says ‘nevermind, nothing,’ a friendly reminder to employees that there’s nothing to see here.a white door with a logo on ita door with a mirror in the middle of a rooma room with a desk and a mannequin in uniform a table with a pile of objects on it
a wooden desk with a metal tag on it
The desk says property of KGB, not really a secret who was here.
Translated KGB means ‘committee for state safety.’ At its peak in the 80s, the KGB had 200,000 agents. In the spring of 1991 the KGB left the hotel. Interestingly enough, they did it before the collapse of the Soviet Union which occurred in December 1991. a display case with pictures and text A Room on the High Floor When it opened, the Hotel Viru was the tallest building in Tallinn. The KGB said that the view was strategic. From the top floor, they could see the city center and see the elite. On the other side, there was the sea and the port, a strategic object. For this reason, they kept the top floor closed. They were afraid that someone would infiltrate the place and map out the city. That’s why coming to the floor was ‘not recommended.’a glass window with a view of the ocean and a city a city with many tall buildings a city with a body of water Overall Having seen too much, I decided that I was better off staying at the Park Inn. There, on account of my status, I would be safe from any attempts to gather компромат. a street with a building and a train on it a large building with windows

Keep vs. Cancel: Chase Sapphire Preferred

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Keep vs. Cancel: Chase Sapphire Preferred

When I see a $95 charge on my Chase account, I already know it is an annual fee. This time it is for the Chase Sapphire Preferred. The card is useless for me. Let’s look at the major perks:

  1. $50 hotel credit: Clever but it still leaves me $45 short of rationalizing the fee.
  2. 3X dining: I receive this on my Chase Freedom Flex.
  3. Car Insurance: I have this on my Chase Ink Preferred.
I called to see if there was a retention offer. There was not. Seconds later the card was closed. When I first started in the points game, this card was coveted. I now find it useless, apart from the initial sign-up bonus (see Chase Sapphire Approved!).
a screenshot of a credit card
Points were transferred out.

Back to Phoenix on Frontier

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Back to Phoenix on Frontier

Before TPOL moved to Puerto Rico in 2018, I was a resident of Scottsdale (see TPOL in the Desert). I am going back to the place where I lived most of my adult life, but I am not arriving there in style. Frontier, one of the worst airlines (see Frontier: Rivaling Allegiant For Worst Airline), tempted me with a fare of $87 one way, $287 total. I can only bring a personal item, meaning I will have to stash everything extra in my travel jacket, a Scottie Vest that is due to arrive any day now replace my Baubax jacket (see The World’s Greatest Travel Jacket: A Smuggler’s Tool). The itinerary is not as terrible as flights on United which connect in NY or as flights on AA that have an interminable layover in DFW or Miami.

a screenshot of a phone
Spirit also looks miserable and much more expensive.
a screenshot of a phone a screenshot of a phone Last time I flew Frontier was to Costa Rica, incidentally from Phoenix (see Free without the ‘R’ spells FEE). I’m not looking forward to doing it again, but given the choices, I have no choice. For a place so popular to visit, Puerto Rico has lousy options when it comes to direct flights.
a white rectangular object with black text
Why would anyone take this flight when the later one arrives at the same time?

Park Inn Tallinn: Good Enough for Me

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Park Inn Tallinn: Good Enough for Me

Park Inn Tallinn Hotel Review is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report.

If I were to be a brand ambassador for any hotel group, it would be Radisson. I know my blog colleagues would disagree with me, opting for bigger brands like Marriott or Hyatt. While I stay at those two frequently, I am partial to Radisson because they are located in more obscure places. Since Covid, I have been amassing a small fortune of Radisson points thanks to my US Bank credit card. That relationship has ended leaving me with plenty of points but no way of automatically replenishing them. Accordingly, I must be frugal with my booking selections. This brings me to my stay at the Park Inn Tallinn, Estonia. I booked it for only 15k points/night. I could’ve spent $95 per night, but that starts to add up quickly when I am out of the country for weeks on end. Location The hotel is 12 minutes from the airport (see Bolt: The Preferred Rideshare App in Estonia) and is only a ten minute walk to the old town.a sign on a building a building with windows and a sidewalk Room I was upgraded to a superior room. It was massive compared to a basic Radisson.a room with a bed and a tv a room with a bed and a chair a bed in a room a group of colorful rectangular objects on a white wall a room with a tv and a bed a desk with a screen and a chair a chair and a table in a rooma white object on a red wall Shower The cursed European shower is on hand.a bathroom with a bathtub and toilet a shower with a shower head and a shower head Park Inn Tallinn Hotel Review Check Out My flight to Vilnius, Lithuania was at 7PM. I asked for a late checkout and somehow they agreed to 5PM. Since I was out all night both nights and woke up at 4PM, that was convenient. Overall I am sad that my time with Radisson is coming to an end. I will remember the good times of the two-for-one points redemptions (see Club Carlson: Where Did You Go? 6 Great Pre-Deval Redemptions). I am thankful I was able to go to interesting places and stay for free when I had the chance.
Enjoy the Park Inn Tallinn Hotel Review? Read the rest of the Iraq Homecoming chronology.

Pho-usion in Estonia

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Pho-usion in Estonia

Pho Estonia is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report.

You already know the rule for good pho places: plastic chairs and questionable cleanliness (see I Know When That Hot Bowl Blings…A Review of Pho in Brooklyn). It is also advisable that the restaurant only serves Vietnamese food. Fusion pho is not really pho (see Pho Edinburgh: Disappointing Adventure). When I went into Tartar, I noticed the diamond designation on the door. If this was anything like Nautilus (see Seafood in Estonia: What a Treat), I would not be disappointed. I was surprised when I saw pho on the menu as the restaurant was not Vietnamese. I decided to break all the rules and order a bowl.a sign with text on it a window with a sign on it TPOL’s Tip: Tartar’s address is Narva mnt 7, 10117 Tallinn, Estonia. Presentation The bowl was presented on a fancy tray, atypical of traditional pho.a bowl of soup and a bowl of food Broth The broth was dark brown leading me to conclude it was made from beef stock instead of the typical.a bowl of soup with noodles and vegetables Add-ons There was a side of chili sauce instead of sriracha, ginger instead of jalapenos, and a modest amount of fancy sprouts instead of the typical giant pile.a plate of food on a table Beef This was pho boh, not pho tai, so it was expected that the beef was not red and rare. How was it? Nothing about this book looked correct but everything smelled divine. After one spoon, I was addicted, slurping the noodles, and consuming the tender beef until there was nothing left. Overall While it was not a classic bowl of pho, it was pho-nomenal. Maybe pho fusion isn’t bad after all.
Read all my Pho Reviews.

Seafood in Estonia: What a Treat

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Seafood in Estonia: What a Treat

Seafood Estonia is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report.

TPOL has rich taste. This is a problem because the blog does not pay enough to fund my gluttony. Walking around Old Town (see Guns & Butter: Tallinn Travel Guide), I came across Nautilus. I read caviar and oysters on the menu and kept walking. I then peered into the window and saw an awesome seafood tower. I went back in without checking the prices. Once inside, I was asked if I had a reservation, a standard practice at most restaurants in Tallinn. Although the place was empty, the bartender hesitated before finally saying that he would clean a table for us. TPOL’s Tip: Don’t mistake the curt interactions with Estonians as impoliteness. TPOL’s Tip: Nautilus is located at Pikk 36, 10123 Tallinn, Estonia. Champagne To start, I ordered a bottle of champagne, a must when sampling fine seafood.a bottle of wine in a bucket with two glasses of wine Seafood platter Everything on the menu looked delicious. Rather than choosing one item over another, I ordered everything.a plate of seafood on a table Caviar Caviar and bubbles took me back to the days of Cathay (Cathay Pacific First Class JFK-HKG: 15.5 Hours of Bliss). a plate of food on a table Price $170 for everything was not bad thanks to the strong exchange rate of the dollar: 1 euro was $1.04 dollar
a bowl of black caviar on ice
It’s gold Jerry!
Silver Spoon  As we were leaving, I randomly spoke to an American who had lived in Estonia for the last twenty years. He asked if I had noticed the diamond on the door. He had started an organization that rated quality restaurants much like Michelin does (see Punk Royale Copenhagen: Michelin Restaurant on Acid). The designation proved to be accurate as the next day I went to another Silver Spoon restaurant and was, once again, extremely satisfied (see Pho-usion in Estonia). Overall Go to Nautilus when you are in Tallinn.

Transport Abroad: Metro, Yes – Trams, What?

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Transport Abroad: Metro, Yes – Trams, What?

Trams, what? is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report.

I can navigate the most complex metro systems. Undoubtedly, my best accomplishment is finding the Hyatt in Osaka (see Where Are You Hyatt Regency Osaka?). Trams, on the other hand, are another matter. First, I have no idea where to purchase a ticket. In Zurich, it was simple (see Sheraton Zurich: Points Save Me from a Hostel). But in Sicily, I could not find the ticket kiosk leading to a 50 euro fine (see Scammed or Stupid? A Big Fine in Palermo). Besides ticket purchasing issues, riding trams presents navigational issues. I don’t know where to get off nor do I have the courage to pull the notification lever to signal that I want to stop. Like the metro, trams are a cost-effective method of getting around big cities. Unlike the metro, I am intimidated to hop on board. I have never been given a lesson on how to ride a tram and welcome any suggestions.
a white and red train on a street
Where it stops, I’ll never know. #blackeyedpeas #estonia

Bolt: The Preferred Rideshare App in Estonia

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Bolt: The Preferred Rideshare App in Estonia

Bolt Estonia is part of the Iraq Homecoming Trip Report.

The days of defaulting to use Uber are long gone. The new technique is to land in a new city, check for public transport, and then compare those options to the local ride shares that are available. My choice was car or tram. Given my train anxiety (see “Tickets, Please, Tickets”: Train Anxiety) and the fact that I am still a gimp (see TPOL Is Down), I chose car. In Tallinn, that rideshare is called Bolt. For 6.7 euros I was whisked away in a Mazda 6 to the front gates of the majestic Park Inn by Radisson, a journey of twelve minutes.
a group of people in a square with a tower in the background
The rest of the time was spent walking.
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