Car Rental Costa Del Sol: Next Time It’s a BMW

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Car Rental Costa Del Sol: Next Time It’s a BMW
Car Rental Malaga is part of the Gold Medal Trip Report. It is also a part of TPOL’s Travel Lessons, a compilation of mistakes you should not make.
Are you looking to explore the Costa Del Sol of Spain? Care to add Gibraltar to your Count Count (see Where I’ve Been)? Then you will need a rental car. Ever the cheapo, I made the mistake of selecting the least expensive car for this journey: The Fiat Panda Hybrid. I’ve rented Pandas before and enjoyed this compact vehicle. The problem with Pandas is that they are lazy and lack the drive to do anything (see Panda Panda: Chengdu Panda Visitor Guide). The problem with my Panda is that it did not have enough horsepower to command the sharp ascents en route to Granada nor the stalking Lamborghinis en route to Marbella.
a car parked in a garage
‘Fun to drive’ is not an expression I can ascribe to this car.
The redeemable quality of the Panda is that I did not attract any unwanted attention from the authorities as I did in Sicily (see Wine Tour: Fun & Games Until Police Stop). Despite its lack of performance, it’s hard not to be enamored with this cute creature. It did get me from point A to point B to point C to point D to point E and back to point A.
a car parked in a parking lot
My Panda needs a wash and a nap.
TPOL’s Tip: The price to rent this slow-moving vehicle was $99 for 7 days. Overall  Next time I’m going to splurge for a BMW hybrid. I have places to go and people watching me go there. Breaking News: Upon further review, I don’t know if this is a Fiat 500 or Panda, but I’m not rewriting this post and abandoning my Chengdu theme.

Ryanair Barcelona Malaga: No Fuss

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Ryanair Barcelona Malaga: No Fuss
Ryanair Barcelona Malaga is part of the Gold Medal Trip Report.
I write this quick review to say that I do not understand why so many people believe that Ryanair is terrible. This is the second time I have flown Ryan and like the first time, have no serious complaints (see Ryanair LUX-LIS: Not as Bad as Expected). It is critical to make sure that you have paid for the appropriate luggage (see 100 GBP Carry-On Bags? Scammed by Ryanair & Trips.com). If that is sorted, you should have no problems. Going forward, I will skip my ‘review’ of Ryanair until there is something worthy to say. a yellow and black seat on an airplane $132 to get from point A to point B can’t be beat (see Bus-Ted: Gold Medal Trip Report Points & Cash Summary).

Guns & Butter: Barcelona Travel Guide

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Guns & Butter: Barcelona Travel Guide
Barcelona Travel Guide is part of the Gold Medal Trip Report.
TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible. Here’s how it works: A trip is composed of two factors: Labor And Lazy. The opportunity cost (what is given up) for relaxing and being Lazy is gained by being adventurous in the form of Labor and vice versa. The guide includes inefficient activities i.e., tourist traps that should be avoided and aspirational activities that are worth doing but may be impossible to see given the constraints of time and resources.
Originally, I was supposed to stay in Barcelona as part of my Residency Series (see 2024 Residencies Announced! Barcelona, Buenos Aires, Cape Town). The prices were too high leaving me to join the fight with locals who water-gunned down the unwelcome tourists. It is not lost on me that I am part of the problem. Here’s what I did, what I would recommend doing, and what I would avoid. Past This is my third time in Barcelona. The first time I was here was in 2011 after being unceremoniously fired from General Motors (Read Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong . . . Including Mine). Highlights included the Sagrada Família (not pictured), Torre Glòries, and the Monumental, the last bullfighting ring in Catalonia (see Attending A Bullfight In Madrid: A Range of Emotions). a tall building with many windows with Torre Agbar in the background
a man standing in front of a large building
Monumental
The second time was in 2019 to make party (see For One Night Only: Barcelona Party Guide). a blurry image of a ferris wheel at night Present Older and wiser, this time I indulged in the finer things including a Michelin restaurant (see Mont Bar Barcelona: Am I Michelin Material?). a plate with food on it

This did not preclude me from making party.

  • Day
If you’re looking to day drink, I recommend the best place on earth: Can Paixano Barcelona. There you will find tapas, cava, and people. a table with food on it I do not recommend buying over-sugared, suspect mojitos from vendors on the beach in Barceloneta. Go to Opium instead for comfortable seating and overpriced cava. a glass of champagne on a table TPOL’s Tip: Opium is located at Pg. Marítim de la Barceloneta, 34, Ciutat Vella, 08003 Barcelona, Spain More expensive than Opium are the multiple chiringuitos on the beach. They weren’t this much when I came in 2011.
a sign on a building
2011 before party inflation
  • Night
Avoid: Barceloneta When did I get old? In 2019, I went to Shoko in Barceloneta and thought I fit in.
a crowd of people in a room with red lights
Shoko 2019
Robbed of my youth thanks to Covid (see The Lost & Found Year(s): COVID Trip Report), I felt self-conscious walking around all the children. It reminded me of the terrible time in Tenerife, when I received unsolicited advice: “Go home old man!” ( see Playa de Las Americas, Tenerife: Well That Sucked). Go: Club Sutton This place was not loaded with children. I was able to make party like the good old days. a man standing in front of a building TPOL’s Tip: Make a reservation online to avoid the mercurial doormen. TPOL’s Tip: Club Sutton is located at Carrer de Tuset, 13, Sarrià-Sant Gervasi, 08006 Barcelona, Spain Don’t Follow: People The problem with Barcelona is that everyone is going somewhere but arriving nowhere. There are crowds of people walking without a destination. In attempt to make party, I stealthily stalked various groups of people to see where I would end up. Don’t Go: La Rambla Like Nanjing Xi Lu in Shanghai, La Rambla is the tourist hell of Barcelona. There are tons of people and poachers roaming about. If you did not heed my advice regarding following people, you will end up here. Do Go: La Pipa First, you have to find it. a door with a round sign and a hole in the middle Hint: It’s in this square: a group of people in a plaza with a fountain in front of a building TPOL’s Tip: You have to be a member to enter this speakeasy. That requires providing false information to the doorman via his tablet. TPOL’s Tip: Pipa is located at Pl. Reial, 3, Ciutat Vella, 08002 Barcelona, Spain. Do and Don’t: El Born Neighborhood El Born reminds me of Barrio Antiguo in Monterrey, Mexico. It’s full of people, bars, and restaurants. In theory, it should be a fun time. In reality, it has no flavor. Why most bars do not play music is an enigma.
a stone walkway with lights on
Get ready to walk aimlessly looking for party that does not exist.
Tapas What’s a trip to Spain without tapas? I recommend walking down Carrer D’Enric Granados. There are plenty of places to eat and drink. a man standing outside of a restaurant a glass of wine on a bar counter I will give an honorable mention to Mosquito, an Asian tapas restaurant AKA dim-sum restaurant in El Born. a restaurant with a sign on the door a plate of food on a table TPOL’s Tip: Mosquito is located at Carrer dels Carders, 46, Ciutat Vella, 08003 Barcelona, Spain Stay
It is important to rest while you are in Barcelona. If you’re looking to party and go to the beach, the W cannot be beat (see W Hotel Barcelona: Don’t Miss the Day).
a tall building with palm trees
Disclaimer: I used the term ‘beach’ loosely. It’s more of a harbor than a playa.
If you’re looking to take a day trip to Andorra (see Guns & Butter: Andorra Travel Guide (Country Count Edition), the Hyatt Regency Barcelona Tower is sufficient.
a tall building with a glass facade
If you have points to burn, there’s not much wrong with Grand Hyatt Barcelona (see Grand Hyatt Barcelona: Good, Bad, & Annoying). people in a pool
Futbol
As a former resident of Madrid (see TPOL in Madrid: Why A Second Residency?), I am not a Barca fan. That is why I would have liked to have seen El Clasico in Barcelona wearing rival colors (see El Clásico! Madrid: Tickets, Game, Pre & Post Libations Guide).
Overall
Residents of Barcelona: Holster your water guns. While I will do my residency in Barcelona one day, I have no immediate plans of doing so. I prefer Madrid.

Can Paixano Barcelona: The Best Place on Earth

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Can Paixano Barcelona: The Best Place on Earth
Can Paixano Barcelona is part of the Gold Medal Trip Report.
I may not be Michelin material (see Mont Bar Barcelona), but as a lover of bubbles, meats, and cheeses, I am qualified to speak about the best place on earth, Can Paixano. What makes it the best? Cava I can’t say that Spanish Cava is better than South Africa’s Blanc de Blanc (see The Best Bubbly Comes From Franschhoek, Not France), but it’s both refreshing and affordable. Can Paixano has many varieties of Cava, all at amazing prices.
a group of wine bottles on a rack
$2-$4 a glass.
a glass of wine on a tray with bread rolls Burgers Who doesn’t like a fatty burger with a glass of bubbles? a bacon burger on a napkin Tapas As one who enjoys one too many, I appreciate tempering my temptation with tapas. Can Paixano has many on tap for the right price. a plate of pickles and olives a plate of food and a glass of wine Day Drinking Is there anything better than being buzzed in the day? The crowd at Can Paixano does not think so.
a group of people standing in a restaurant
Started empty
a group of people sitting at a bar
Busier
a group of people in a restaurant
Jammed with a queue outside
Competition?  Interestingly, the only other place remotely like Can Paixano is the Mo Club in Missoula, Montana (see The Road Trip Burger @ The Mo Club).
a man cooking food in a restaurant
Burger God Barcelona
the mo club
Vs. Burger Glory Montana
La Cuenta Many tapas and bubbles later, the bill came out to $35 for two. Overall If you don’t like this place, chances are high that I will not like you.

Mont Bar Barcelona: Am I Michelin Material?

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Mont Bar Barcelona: Am I Michelin Material?
Mont Bar Michelin Barcelona is part of the Gold Medal Trip Report.
I know about food but am not a foodie and I despise that word. When my friend who is as sarcastic as I am invited me to go to a Michelin-star restaurant in Barcelona, I accepted because I knew it would be a laughing good time. Indeed, it was. My prior two Michelin experiences were not the pompous, over-the-top experience one would expect when overpaying for sustenance (see Punk Royale Copenhagen: Michelin Restaurant on Acid & see Michelin Sushi Tenerife: $375 Worth Spent??). While the vibe of this place was more reserved, it did not detract from the enjoyment of the evening.a white napkin on a plate In addition to great company, the food was tremendous. Unfortunately for Mont Bar and the chef, I cannot describe how delicious the food was. Half of the ingredients used to describe what I was eating were foreign to me, despite being presented in English. Worse still, I know that these photos do not capture the art, sophistication, and extravagance of such a meal. a menu on a black leather coverTPOL’S Tip: Skip the overpriced Wagyu but be prepared to deal with the waitress’s disappointment should you do so. TPOL’s Tip: Do not order the wine pairing at a Michelin restaurant. You will get too hammered to enjoy the nuances of the food consumed. All I could do was try to keep a straight face while the brigade of waitresses came by to explain what each item was. With each course, we were instructed in which order to consume each part of the composition. “We recommend you start with X and then follow it with Y.” I asked what would happen if I defied her orders. Would the common man miss the experience if he had the Y before the X? Would the waitress be offended? Would the chef be aghast? food on a napkin a plate of food with a flower on top a group of food on a white surface a plate with food on it a close up of food a round object with a crumb on it a plate of food with flowers on it food on a plate a white bowl with yellow liquid and black dots a plate of food on a table a cooked shrimp on a pile of salt a plate of food on a table a round brown object with white powder on it a bowl of fruit and berries a plate of desserts on a table It took until the second to last dessert for me to go rogue. My order of operations was wonderful, leaving me to wonder if it would have been better had I followed the instructions.
a tray of desserts on a table
Supposed to go from closest to furthest.
Deep Thought If you’ve seen the movie The Menu, it will change your perspective of going to Michelin restaurants. It will also make you second-guess whether your compulsion of photographing and now filming (see DJI Store Barcelona: A Great Upgrade for an Unpublished Vlog) should be outlawed much like it is at comedy shows. Should we go to enjoy the performance and leave the b/v-logging at the door? TPOL’s Tip: Mont Bar is located at Carrer de la Diputació, 220, L’Eixample, 08011 Barcelona, Spain Overall The cost of this foray into culture was 340 euros for two. Given the laughs, the food, and the experience, it was money well spent.
a building with a sign on the front
Are you Mont Bar material?

DJI Store Barcelona: A Great Upgrade for an Unpublished Vlog

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DJI Store Barcelona: A Great Upgrade for an Unpublished Vlog
DJI is part of the Gold Medal Trip Report.
Why isn’t TPOL famous? It’s not because I am not original. It’s not because I am not funny. It’s not because people do not like me (see Happy Festivus! Airing of Points Grievances 2023). It’s because people do not read. Years ago, I contemplated starting a YouTube channel, but it did not make financial sense (see TPOL’s Way Out of Poverty Is Not Vlogging). Years ago, I bought a drone but did not use it (see VIDEO: SkyDio 2 Inaugural Flight: Rio Mar, Puerto Rico). Years ago, I also purchased a DJI Pocket 2 and, like the drone, did not use it (see DJI Pocket 2: The Compliment to My SkyDio Drone). So why haven’t I given up on this initiative? Because the world needs to see me. And when they see me (in 4K), they will read me. There are many obstacles to my success. First and foremost is my inability to edit content. Years ago, I deviated from common sense and bought Apple. I thought Final Cut Pro would bring out the Academy Award director in me. $3544.57 later, Ms. TPOL uses the machine to write papers and create spreadsheets. This time, instead of doing it myself, I hired a professional film producer. The producer asked what ‘gear’ (technical jargon for those of us in the industry) I was using. It reminded me of the scene from Catch Me If You Can. I mentioned that I had a Samsung Z5 Flip and a DJI Pocket 2. I also told him that I could not use my phone to film myself because I despised those people and would have to kick my own ass if I became one of them. With minimal instruction, I went on my first trip as a vlogger to carnival in St. Lucia (see They Call Me Mr. Fete: St. Lucia Carnival Intro ). The footage was abysmal but I had no interest in giving up. My second stop as a vlogger was Barcelona. I meekly walked the streets with my DJI Pocket 2 with a microphone on my shirt hoping that no one would notice. While sucking as a cinematographer and simultaneously making strangers uncomfortable (see Creeper Cam Is Back: Alexander Bachuwa Launches the Vlog), I also realized that my ‘gear’ sucked as well. Anyone want to buy a Pocket 2? I told my producer that I was keen on buying the DJI Pocket 3. I Googled ‘DJI Pocket 3 Barcelona’ and in a a moment of serendipity learned of the DJI store in Barcelona. Not worried about the ROI of this venture, I left the overhyped Barceloneta Beach beach (see Guns & Butter: Barcelona Travel Guide) and made my way to the mall. $800 later I have the best gear that money can buy. I look great in 4k. Disclaimer: If you’re reading this post in October 2024, you will see this: Disclaimer: If you're reading this in October 2024, there's probably no content up as we are in post-production. Disclaimer: If you’re reading this in 2025 and you still see that, then I have failed at this undertaking. Sales Pitch: If you’re an optimist, you can find the vlog for Alexander Bachuwa’s, aka the #masterofwon, here.

Simply The Best: September 2024

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Simply The Best: September 2024
I was here for half of September. I was gone for the rest. Here’s the best:
  1. Creeper Cam Is Back: Alexander Bachuwa Launches the Vlog
    a man holding a camera
    Although TPOL loves writing about travel, there’s more to Alexander Bachuwa than points. Accordingly, I have started a YouTube channel appropriately named Master of Won.
  2. Grand Hyatt Barcelona: Good, Bad, & Annoying
    people in a pool
    Grand Hyatt BCN was one of those hotels that I expected to be great. In the end, there was good, there was bad, and there was annoying.
  3. Guns & Butter: Andorra Travel Guide (Country Count Edition)
    a street with flags on the side of a building
    Am I the cultural attaché to Andorra? Hardly. Is it worth going? Of course.
  4. I Missed My Ride: Not So ‘Direct Bus’ Andorra
    a screenshot of a phone
    There is no Travel Lesson to be learned. The bus did not show up. I am not crazy.
  5. Etiquette of Things: Keep Your Dirty Hands to Yourself
    a can of potato chips on a plate
    What a cool container of potato chips I thought. I used the tongs to take a few chips. I put the tongs down, and almost immediately a man dipped his entire hand into the jar and loaded his plate with chips. He did it directly in front of me with no shame.
  6. Why So Much Decaf in My Hotel Room?
    a tray with coffee capsules and condiments
    What does not make sense is the ratio of 4 decafs to 2.
  7. Andbus to Andorra: ‘And’ It Showed Up
    people standing next to a bus
    Welcome to Andorra

Looking to Avoid Prison? Read the Blog, Mr. Mayor

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Looking to Avoid Prison? Read the Blog, Mr. Mayor
By now you have read about the indictment of the Mayor of New York, Eric Adams. The failing NYT has a great article, Lie-Flat Seats and Chilled Champagne: Testing Eric Adams’s Upgrade Life, detailing the mayor’s keenness on flying Turkish Airlines. Unfortunately, it’s not all miles and smiles, for the mayor. The SDNY has indicted Mayor Adams for corruptly accepting more than $100,000 in illegal gifts, including expensive airline seats and stays in hotels, in exchange for using his political influence to help Turkey. As an attorney, I need more details before I make a determination whether such charges are warranted. As a travel blogger, I wonder why Mayor Adams has not been reading my blog. Had he done so, he could have avoided this headache. Like the mayor, I have flown Turkish more times than I can count. Like the mayor, I too have enjoyed the mezze on the flight. Unlike the mayor, I am not enthralled with the Turkish Lounge (see Why I Still Don’t Like the Turkish Lounge in IST). Unlike the mayor, I know that Turkish doesn’t route through Instanbul [sic] on the way to Easter Island, though I applaud his creativity and desire to increase his Country Count (see Where I’ve Been). Critically, unlike the mayor, I know that points, not an alleged quid-pro-quo arrangement, are the best way to enjoy the benefits of business. My favorite part of the NYT article reads as follows:

Cenk Öcal, who as general manager of Turkish Airlines in New York was said in the indictment to have served as the point person for Mr. Adams’s numerous seat-upgrade requests, seems to have understood this all too well, dangling business-class seats in front of the mayor as both carrot and stick. After Mr. Adams was elected mayor, Mr. Öcal began angling for a spot on his transition committee:

“It would suit me well to be lead Or Senior Advisor,” Mr. Öcal wrote in a text to an Adams staffer, according to the indictment. “Lead Plz :).” He later texted, and then added — deploying perhaps the most horrifying generic threat imaginable to someone terrified of being relegated to the back of the plane — “Otherwise seat number 52 is empty.”

As an attorney, I find these texts to be incriminating. As a travel blogger, I  empathize with the mayor by quoting Kamala Harris, “We’re not going back . . . to peasant class.” The following is not legal advice: If you’re going to be busted over airline upgrades, make the charge worth it by flying Emirates, SQ, or Cathay. The latter comes with this prison jumpsuit: a man sitting on a chair with a glass of champagne

TPOL’s Out Of the Office Again

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TPOL’s Out Of the Office Again
I can’t say where I am going because it is top secret. Let’s see how many ‘Oh I hope you don’t come back,’ comments I get.
a monkey sitting on a pole
He doesn’t care either.

Etiquette of Things: Keep Your Dirty Hands to Yourself

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Etiquette of Things: Keep Your Dirty Hands to Yourself
Keep Your Hands to Yourself is part of the Gold Medal Trip Report.
By now you should be familiar with my next book, The Etiquette of Things. Things You Didn’t Know Were Things. Here’s another installment. It comes from the Grand Hyatt Barcelona happy hour, a perk for those with club lounge access. Despite my complaints about the Grand Hyatt BCN, I did enjoy the happy hour. Who can complain about bottomless cava and tapas? This story has nothing to do with the Hyatt and everything to do with a guest of the Hyatt. While loading my plate with all the goodies, I stopped to take this photo. a can of potato chips on a plate What a cool container of potato chips I thought. I used the tongs to take a few chips. I put the tongs down, and almost immediately a man dipped his entire hand into the jar and loaded his plate with chips. He did it directly in front of me with no shame. I was revolted but decided not to confront this gross individual. Instead, I went back to my table and ate the other tapas. On his way out, the man walked by the chips again, dipped his hand in again, and left with a handful. I hope somehow he comes across this book and learns the lesson: keep your dirty hands to yourself!
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