back to top
Thursday, May 23, 2024
HomePuerto RicoCarolinaThanks Donald! My COVID Test in Puerto Rico

Thanks Donald! My COVID Test in Puerto Rico

COVID Test Puerto Rico is part of The Lost & Found Year(s) Trip Report.

Social Distance Yourself from Misinformation. Do you remember that post? What happened to those idiots who said this was a hoax? That this was no more dangerous than the flu? Where’s the guy who said he travels all the time and doesn’t wear a mask?

He’s in the White House. But I digress.

This post is to document my experience receiving a COVID test on an island that shouldn’t have COVID if the government did its job (see Frontier Airlines: The Covid Super Spreader for Puerto Rico). The day started out with finding a lab that could actually do the molecular nose swab test. Most only do the antibody test which doesn’t help someone who has symptoms or believes he/she has been exposed to someone who may be infected. I’m the latter in this scenario. After finding a testing site, the next step was to schedule a telehealth conference and receive a referral from a physician.

Here’s how that conversation went:

Doctor: Why do you want a COVID test?

TPOL: I was near someone who is now showing symptoms.

Doctor: OK, I’ll send you the paperwork.

Without insurance, this consult costs $45. It was free using the promo code COVID-19APR with my insurance. (Note: I do not receive compensation if you use that code. Some influencer humor is appropriate.) The teleconference prerequisite makes me wonder how many people would like to get tested but do not have the means to do so. I don’t have the energy to broach that subject

Armed with my doctor’s note, I set off to the drive-thru testing site. I arrived at 8AM and didn’t see a long line. I didn’t realize that the people in the parked cars were also there for the test.

a truck parked in front of a sign
If COVID doesn’t kill me, then the salad bar at Ponderosa just might.
a man wearing a face mask
“It goes through air, Bob,” Trump said. “That’s always tougher than the touch. You know, the touch, you don’t have to touch things. Right? But the air, you just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed.”

TPOL’s TIP: For maximum effectiveness, shave daily if you’re wearing an N95, yet another benefit gone that I used to enjoy from working remotely.

2 hours later, it was my turn to go through the nose wash. I heard that the swab was uncomfortable and was akin to someone probing your brain. I rather enjoyed the experience and would, under different circumstances, pay for someone to tickle my nose.

a car inside a tent
The coronavirus is “more deadly than… even your strenuous flus,” Trump added.
a man in a car with a nurse in his hand and a person in a mask
Question: Why the fuck am I in a drive-thru getting my nose probed? Answer: “I wanted to always play it down,” Trump said.

A few minutes later I was off to do nothing and wait. The turnaround time for results is one week. During this time, I’ll keep my distance from everyone. I will still work out alone and will golf alone. Seven days makes the testing sort of pointless. If it’s negative, I will save one week of my life from self-quarantine. If it’s positive, then I need to contact all the people who I can recall interacting with, assuming that the spreader is the person I suspect it may be. By the time that happens, those people have been on the loose for weeks, potentially spreading the virus further.

This could have and should have been prevented. We live in the richest country in the world. My question for everyone, “If I warned about this pandemic in February, how do people still not ducking know the danger of it now?” (see Travel Or Stay Inside? TPOL’s Thoughts on Coronavirus). Enough of this lunacy and lunatic. Get your act together America!

And for those that still don’t know, Puerto Rico is part of the United States (see Relax: When You’re in PR, You Can Call the States the US). Nevertheless, don’t visit Puerto Rico. We don’t want to see you. We don’t need your tourist dollars (see Puerto Rico Flight Deal? Stay Away). We don’t need your sympathy (see “Puerto Rico Rocked by Earthquake”: Enough Dramatic Headlines). And we don’t need you blaming us (see Dispelling Puerto Rico’s ‘Covid Crisis’: Tweeting @NYT Worked).

On that positive note, I’ll let you know my results when they come in. Over-under on comments from readers hoping I get it? Those deplorables are locks for Festivus 2020.







  1. Sounds like a plug for the next referendum to become an independent nation. maybe this time it will pass. I have a fairly goo idea of what you’re saying as a businessman had investments in PR many years ago, including opening the local McDonalds. I always felt the islands should be a separate nation.

Leave a Reply