All I knew before moving to Puerto Rico was San Juan. I’ve looked everywhere for a place to live and nothing stood out. One place that caught my attention was Santurce. It’s close to Condado and Ocean Park meaning it’s close to nightlife, the beach, and my favorite place, Kasalta. And golf? Maybe golf is a rich man’s game. Maybe I should wait until I’m Bahia or Dorado rich to think about joining a club. Maybe I should move to Santurce, a place that is up and coming. Think of it as Puerto Rico’s Brooklyn.
Food
Santurce has food. From the food trucks to the restaurants on Calle Loiza, there are plenty of places to eat.
La Placita for Nightlife
If you’re looking for a block party, albeit usually one with 18-year-olds sipping Medalla, head to La Placita. There’s always something going on.
Housing
I contemplated buying a place at Ciudadela. It’s a condo development with restaurants and a grocery store all in one place. There’s also a Planet Fitness which I don’t consider to be a real gym because of the lack of free weights. Then I asked for prices. The two bedrooms started at 300k and the 3 bedrooms went for 500k. Compared to Condado, it was cheaper but the smaller units didn’t have balconies, there was no ocean view, and the area around the complex was far from the island enchantment I was searching for.
The Ciudadela model
Verdict
Think of Santurce as Puerto Rico’s Brooklyn. I used to live in Brooklyn. I don’t like Brooklyn. I like golf. I must find golf.
Producer: This annoying TPOL hates everywhere we take him. I don’t think he’s worth having on the show anymore. I also don’t think he can afford to buy any of these places anyway. Let’s show him Bahia Beach so he can see one of the best-kept courses on the island. Then we’ll tell him how much houses cost there.
On Set – Bahia Beach, 45 Minutes East of San Juan
Host: Good morning, TPOL, we thought we would take you out for a round of golf at Bahia.
TPOL: It’s a quick drive from San Juan to Rio Grande but it takes an eternity to get to Bahia Beach. Why are there so many damn speed bumps when you turn off the freeway?
Host: Mumbling. Here we go.
TPOL: Your mic is on.
Host: You ready to tee off? I suggest putting the driver away. Unless you’re a sure shot, you’ll lose plenty of balls today.
TPOL: Get ducked.
Host: Your mic is on.
TPOL: I know.
The Course
This course is beautiful. It is perfectly maintained like Dorado Beach. The course is also difficult to play. The host was not lying about losing golf balls. I could play here everyday but it would also be fun to have more than one course if I’m going to be here for the rest of my life.
The Homes
Rumor has it that one of the holes became a par 3 because the owner of a mansion wanted a bigger house. If you’re not a millionaire, Bahia is not the place for you. If you are a millionaire, rumor has it that there’s a competition about who can build the most lavish home with amenities that no person really needs.
The Clubhouse
The clubhouse was a bit smaller than I expected.
The Pool
The pool for members was very nice but empty.
The Beach
It was a windy day so it’s hard to gauge if the water is always that choppy and murky.
The Atmosphere
And here’s what it comes down to. Bahia Beach has no atmosphere. It is a literal tax haven for people who want to park their money in huge houses. I am looking for a community, a place to mingle. Bahia Beach is not that place. Bahia Beach is also home to the St. Regis Bahia. While I love that brand, I could not deal with that ambiance every day for the rest of my life.
The Nightlife
There is golf. There is a beach. Two out of three prerequisites for my home search were met. There’s definitely and most certainly no nightlife in Bahia. People come here to get away and stay away.
Though I decided against living in OSJ, I like visiting the city and walking around. No matter how many times I go, I still end up taking pictures of the cobbled streets, the colorful homes, and the historical monuments.
Host: Perhaps you would like Guaynabo. There’s Costco, a Ponderosa Steakhouse, and upscale neighborhoods. It’s where many of the well-to-do locals live.
Me: (Mumbling to myself) How are there still Ponderosas?
Host: You’re wearing a microphone.
Me: Let’s go check it out, but I swear if you tell me to go to the most overrated restaurant, Bottles, I’m finding a new agent.
After driving around Guaynabo.
Me: So we’re not close to the beach. There’s no golf. And it’s all residential. Where are the bars? Which one of the 3 requirements does this place satisfy?
Host: Do you play tennis?
Me: You’re fired.
*Guaynabo is a nice place to live if you like Scottsdale. And by Scottsdale I’m not talking about Old Town, I’m talking about housing developments in North Scottsdale. The municipality has nice gated communities and the amenities of home. That’s also what makes it boring. Where’s the island charm? Perhaps I will find it in Santurce.
Bottles Guaynabo: At least I know where I can get Krug.
The beautiful beach around the corner also had me thinking less about golf.
And then my Airbnb host came to me one evening and said that there’s a chance that a tropical storm may hit. If it did, the apartment would flood and I would have to move. She added that this was a regular occurrence in Ocean Park. Shaken from my food coma, I resumed my housing search.
I know what you’re thinking. Surely this can’t be TPOL’s favorite bakery, deli, coffee shop, wine bar, and sandwich shop. Has he not been to the Cheesecake Factory? Indeed I have and unlike the internationally acclaimed Olive Garden, I’ll take a hard pass on ever going back to the factory.
Sandwiches!
Kasalta is known for its steak sandwich but it’s worth trying them all.
The epic steak sandwich.
SteakCubanBreakfastSteak again
Wine
Kasalta has a wide assortment of wines, some are very expensive. For $25, Brisios can’t be beat.
Meats
Arby’s is a fraud. Kasalta has the meats. And cheeses.
What’s for Dessert?
Coffee
Ordering a double espresso is a challenge. Sometimes I end up with the double shot I need after a meal like this. Most of the time I end up with a tall black coffee. ‘Expreso doble’ means something different to each person.
Is There Anything Bad?
The short answer is no, but I will say that the main dishes aren’t as good as the casual fare. Save the room for sandwiches and dessert. How do I know? I’ve tried everything.
Do you like narrow cobbled streets? Do you love pretty, colorful buildings? Do you like history? Do you like bars? Do you like forts? Do you hate driving? Do you like walking to CVS and Burger King? If so, then move to America’s most beautiful city, Old San Juan. My first home when I moved to Puerto Rico two years ago was Old San Juan (see My First Airbnb Experience: Old San Juan). I lived there for two months and seriously considered buying a place there and not looking anywhere else.
Which brings me to requirement 3, is there any golf near OSJ? There is not. And there is no convenient parking in OSJ. If you’re going to live within OSJ, be prepared to spend most of your time in OSJ. While it does have its charm, OSJ is very small. I could see buying a second apartment here but I could not make this my primary home.
Requirement 3: Not Satisfied
Overall
Though I decided against living in OSJ, I like visiting the city and walking around. No matter how many times I go, I still end up taking pictures of the cobbled streets, the colorful homes, and the historical monuments. Here are some for your enjoyment:
Getting There: It costs 300 rupees ($2.50) from the airport. KTM is on the list for Worst Places to Hail a Cab because they will try to tell you every excuse why that price is not ascertainable.
Getting Back: This is a point of contention. I stayed at the Hyatt for three nights. Two in the beginning and one at the end after Chitwan. After the first night, I was supposed to go to Pokhara but the flight was canceled (see Nepal Domestic Flight Misery). The hotel provided a free shuttle to the airport. I paid 300 rupees to come back after that ordeal. The next day the hotel provided a shuttle for free. The third and final time I requested a shuttle to the airport, I was told there was a charge. I got into a small argument about how I did not pay the first two times, and eventually they agreed not to charge me.
Travel Advice
I landed in Nepal with no plan (see Travel Anxiety Sucks: Can It Be Prevented?). All I knew was that I had five nights to do everything including visits to Pokhara and Chitwan. Needing to sort the logistics, I spoke to the concierge at the club lounge who helped me put together a solid itinerary. Originally, I was going to stay here for two nights but switched it to one night based on what I wanted to see and do in Nepal. One night would have been perfect because I did everything I wanted to do in Kathmandu (see Guns & Butter: Kathmandu Travel Guide).
Location
If you plan on staying in KTM for multiple nights and exploring, the hotel’s location is not convenient. It is a hassle to deal with taxis each time you want to come and go. Leaving, the hotel calls a taxi who may or may not agree to your price. If you’re quoted something ridiculous, the hotel will call another taxi. But how many taxis would you want to call before you accept that you will be charged more for staying at the Hyatt?
Hotel Itself
I have stayed at many Hyatt Regency’s. This is by far the nicest. The grounds are ridiculous. Granted it was a rainy day, but the facilities are top-notch. From the pool to the tennis courts to the extensive gardens, this hotel is exquisite.
Room
The first night I used a club access award and was upgraded to a spacious room. The second night, following my flight delay, I received a standard room. While I found happiness in Bhutan, I still find joy in being pampered by material things.
Club Lounge
From 5:30PM-7:30PM, there is a cocktail hour with food. Initially, I wasn’t granted access the second night because I didn’t use a club access award. Like the shuttle, I had to push back and say that if I stayed two nights or ten, I wouldn’t need to use a separate club access award per night. On this point, the hotel agreed.
The food was good but I need to stop eating.
Breakfast
I did stop eating at 7:30PM when they took the food away. 13 hours later I was back at it again. The Hyatt Regency breakfast had a variety of food. My favorite was the gun powder spice mixed with tomato chutney. I substituted the traditional omelet for Nepalese cuisine.
Spa
The only part of the hotel that was not impressive was the spa. After being spoiled by spas in Beirut hotels (see Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand and IC Phoencia vs. Le Vendome ), I was disappointed by this spa. The hot tub was scalding hot and the spa was small.
Overall
This property receives high marks. It is a shiny gem in a city covered by dirt and mud. The service receives mixed reviews. The inconsistency with the shuttle and the nonsense about not having club access could have easily been overlooked without creating tension. On the other hand, the hotel was very helpful piecing together my itinerary through Nepal. For 5,000 points the points price can’t be beat. As a respite from the madness of Kathmandu and as a place to crash while in transit, the Hyatt Regency is the best choice.
Nepal should be on the list for Worst Places to Hail a Cab. After asking where I’m going and giving me every excuse as to why the price should be triple, after negotiating why it should be one-third, and after speaking to the Xth taxi driver, the trip begins. The next topic of discussion is where I am from. The worst answer to give if you don’t want to engage in small talk is to say USA. If you say America, best case you hear everywhere in the US where the driver has been. Worst case, you have to hear about all the bad things America has done. To quiet the chatter, for years I simply reply with, “Mexico.” The response I receive is, “Oh Mexico!” That’s it, nothing more, nothing less. To be clear, I don’t pretend to speak Spanish when I enter the cab in order to avoid the interaction. I don’t change my accent to hide my American voice. I just say Mexico. That gets me to my destination in peace. Having moved to Puerto Rico, I thought I could stop lying, but then I was peppered about questions regarding Hurricane Maria and Justin Bieber.
Do you pretend to be from somewhere to avoid small talk? If so, where?
Asking for the shittiest taxi car available was a fun way to get them to drop the price.
There’s nothing worse than haggling to buy something you like, only to find out that you overpaid. There’s nothing worse than the gut-punch feeling from finding out that I paid more than someone else. It doesn’t matter if it’s leasing a vehicle or buying a tee-shirt from the Fake Market in Shanghai. I want to pay the 朋友 price. My frugality has nothing to do with it. It’s about not being duped. It’s about boasting that I got it cheaper than anyone else. This is why I sit on the curb at an airport instead of accepting the first dozen taxi offers (see Sharm el-Sheikh Taxi: For 40, I Bring You Camel, Tomorrow).
In Bhutan, there was a mask that I had to have. The first price I was quoted was $400. I was told that the novel stones on it made it expensive. I was also told that carefree people see something they like and buy it. They aren’t worried about the price. This sort of dare may work on suckers who see it as a challenge to prove their wealth, but it does not work on TPOL.
The question is how do you buy the stuff you want without feeling the bargaining blues later? By following TPOL’S TIPS.
TIP 1: Fight for Every Penny. I don’t care if it’s a taxi, a tee-shirt, or a pair of socks. The “it’s only $1, it’s only 1 yuan (14 cents),” rationale will lead to overpaying for everything else. A baseline for what certain items cost is needed before the bargaining begins. For example, a mass-produced tourist tee shirt of questionable quality should cost between $2.80 and $3.50 (20-25RMB). A tailored suit should be $70 (500 RMB) (see Fabric Market Shanghai Prices: How to Bargain (2019 Edition).
TIP 2: Be Wary of the Sales Pitch. If you hear any of the following, run away. “I’ll give you local price.” “I give you friend price.” “Really sir, no profit.” “Really sir, you are too tough.”
TIP 3: Don’t Shop When Other Tourists Are in the Store. Demand is not good for your wallet.
TIP 4: Do Your Reconnaissance. It takes time to figure out what the true price should be. This requires going from store to store and going through the haggling process.
TIP 5: Don’t Use a Middleman. Even if you have a local friend, even if you have trusty Bhutanese tour guides (see Traveling to Bhutan? Contact Bucket List Adventure), don’t let these people bargain on your behalf (see Finding Penis (Happiness): Bhutan Day 4). I always do a better job because I can be ruthless and not worry about offending a fellow countryman.
TIP 6: Stick to What You Know. I don’t know how much jade costs in a store at home let alone in a random shop in Shanghai. I don’t know how much cashmere costs. I don’t know what gems costs. Thus, I do not buy these items.
TIP 7:Assume It’s Fake. If I do buy something outside of my expertise, I take the approach that it is fake and try to get it for next to nothing. If it turns out to be a knockoff, then I didn’t lose much. If it is of good or good enough quality, I got a good deal.
TIP 8: Shop for One Item at a Time. You’ve done your recon. You know what you want but something else catches your eye. Excited, you ask how much that item costs, and now you’re on your back like a turtle.
TIP 9: Speak the Language. TPOL the Polyglot knows numbers in many languages. I also know how to say “expensive” and “you’re crazy”. Those words help create a fun bargaining process and lubricate the sale.
TIP 11: Leave. Everyone knows that leaving the store leads to the inevitable discount as the shopkeeper calls out a lower price. That doesn’t mean you should reengage. Walk away unless you receive the price that you want.
Tip 12: Come Back, Later. After you leave, take note of where the shop is. As you continue to do more recon, you may find out that this shop truly had the best price. Going back is not a sign of defeat.
TIP 13: Don’t Go Back to the Well. Purchase everything you want from the merchant at one time. Coming back a second time and expecting to receive the hard-fought price on a new piece of merchandise will not happen. The merchant will remember how much you took him or her for on the last transaction and will try to make up the difference on the next transaction.
TIP 14: Be Heartless. Even if you’ve been there for an hour, even if they offered you a water, don’t weaken your position. As I wrote in my book, Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong . . . Including Mine, you know you’ve received the best price when they throw the merchandise at you and call you a bad man.
TIP 15: Be Nice. Don’t get it twisted. Being heartless is fine. Being rude and/or being a jerk is not. Bargainers like bargainers. They will eventually love you or love that they hate you.
TPOL’S MASTER TIP: Have Exact Change. If all else fails, hand the exact amount you want to pay to the merchant, put the merchandise in your bag, and walk away. If you aren’t accosted or arrested, you have won the day.
Follow TPOL’s TIP or pay $400 in Bhutan for what I received for $14 in Nepal.
What’s for Dessert? 
