I was scolded by a reader in my post, Hyatt Regency Miami: You’re Not Staying Here Anyway, about trashing one of the most overrated cities in the world: Miami.
Close to Marriott Titanium Elite: Do You Care, Do I?
Marriott has done something nice. They have extended my stay certificates which were set to expire in August of 2021 to 2022.
That’s good news because I have retired from traveling (see 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel & Air TPOL Retiring From Travel). However, like Keyser Söze, I can’t enjoy retirement while I have matters pending. Of note, I have to requalify for Titanium Elite. Why do I have to qualify? I have no idea. Marriott, like most hotel chains, has killed its points program with devaluation after devaluation (see Booking Miami: I’m as Frugal As Ever). Add in the inability to churn and it is hard to see how I can stay flush with Marriott points. Still, with only 7 stays to Titanium and 5 stay certificates, I might as well finish what I started and stay Elite for 2022: The Year of Status.
Like Melania, I really don’t care, do you?
Hyatt Regency Miami: You’re Not Staying Here Anyway
I’m sure no one cares to read about the Hyatt Regency in downtown Miami. Most people who do visit this terrible city will not be staying downtown anyway (see Air TPOL Retiring From Travel). I am only writing it because of a phenomenon called blogger’s guilt, whereby every international Flight, Hotel, and Lounge must be documented for completeness. Let’s get this over with.
Location
As I wrote, the Hyatt Regency is located in downtown Miami, an area as boring as downtown Phoenix.
Hotel Itself
The hotel is connected to a convention center. If you’re staying here for a convention, you probably are getting a corporate rate and won’t care that the hotel is popcorn ceiling dated.
Room
The suite was standard. 
Bathroom
Replacing a shower head and an elongated the curtain rod does is not a bathroom renovation. Shower curtains are disgusting and have no place in the world.
Breakfast
Although I am not Globalist yet (see Becoming Hyatt Globalist Again: TPOL’s Masterpiece Strategy), I was given free breakfast. It was terrible. The OJ was Tropicana and the breakfast burrito received one bite. 
Riverwalk
With my early arrival, I was unable to check-in right away. I used the free time to explore the Riverwalk. It’s not San Antonio (River Walk! TPOL’s San Antonio Food & Drink Guide), but looking at the water is nicer than looking at this ugly downtown. 
Anything Good?
- 12k points a night is a decent value (see Booking Miami: I’m as Frugal As Ever).
- Wynwood is close by if you’re looking for a points option near that area.
- The pool in the building across from my room.
Overall
Review done. Will you be staying here? Of course you won’t be.
Air TPOL Retiring From Travel
I tried to leave my basement to transition from the COVID Trip Report to the Punxsutawney Trip Report. It did not go so well. My first mistake was going to one of the worst cities in the world: Miami (contrast TPOL’s Travels: The Best Big Cities in the World). This brings me to my second mistake: staying at the Hyatt Regency Downtown Miami. There’s nothing Regency about this property. The third mistake was staying in downtown Miami for one night. Though it was close to my friends who were staying in Wynwood, there is nothing redeemable about this town.
Moving on from the Miami typewriter lashing, let me opine on what travel looks like these days.
Airport & Airplane
Those videos of people fighting used to be once in a while. Now, I can see why they happen more frequently. People are on edge about COVID over wearing the right type of mask (I didn’t know gators were not allowed) and over getting the hell out of the house. This anxiousness turns into quick tempers and rude travelers. While there were no incidents on my flight, it was tense from boarding where Group 6 was trying to board before Group 5. It was also tense on landing, where a passenger tried to jump up quickly and get off the plane while others were retrieving their bags.
Mask Mandate
Masks are not a political statement. However, enough is enough. Why are people wearing masks on the beach while running? Why did a woman put her mask on when she walked by me on the marina? I was definitely more than 6 feet away and even if I were closer, I doubt that COVID was going to fly out of my mouth and target her with pinpoint accuracy at the very moment she was walking by. This brings me to the restaurants where masks are required while waiting in line or going to the bathroom, but not when a person is eating or drinking. There must be an unwritten rule where COVID won’t bother someone when he is drinking but will swoop in once that last bite has been devoured. Of course, all these inconsistent policies become irrelevant when going to the SLS pool party and masks are nowhere to be found (see Where to Pool Party in Miami).
Nightlife
I wrote 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel. Reason #10 was no partying. Miami is one of the few places where clubs and bars are open. The one night I went out, I ended up at a club where there were no masks required but, for some reason, the music could not be played at a high level. It was like an Emirates A380 Silent Disco without first-class service. Obviously, I’m getting too old for this shit. However, I was not sold on the waitresses being paraded on the shoulders of bartenders delivering overpriced bottles of champagne (free on Emirates) while pretending to be excited.
No Value, No Service
Miami is one giant W Hotel. People come to show off, receive terrible service, and overpay for everything. Somehow everyone is ok with this.
I’m Not Going to Ducking Tulum!
Visiting the US is not my idea of traveling, but with all the uncertainty it is more convenient than going to a place not on my Country Count List with the naive hope that somehow life is normal there. Everywhere is dealing with this COVID crisis and the adventures I usually undertake would be difficult and unnecessarily stressful to do. Seemingly, the only exception is Tulum, a place that every person I encountered had either visited during lockdown or was going to after Miami. I got so sick of hearing about Tulum that I vowed never to go, even if it is the Garden of Eden as it was described.
Retirement
For these reasons, I am retiring from travel. I’ll come back with the 4-5 when the world realizes that nothing will be normal until the rich share with the poor. Until then, it’s retirement life in Puerto Rico. Luckily for me, I just took up tennis.
TPOL’s Out of the Office
TPOL is out of the office and will return soon. Time to see if this vaccine works.
Booking Miami: I’m as Frugal As Ever
For my first trip out of my basement (see Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report), I’m going to underwhelming, over-hyped, overpriced Miami! Flush with points, I considered staying at high-end properties like the W Miami or Hyatt Centric South Beach. Then I checked the price tag. The W is 100k Marriott points. The Hyatt Centric, though affordable at 20k Hyatt points, is not available. Scanning other options, I saw other properties for 60k to 70k Marriott points. I quickly realized that my cache of points from not traveling last year (see NYC Twice: A Recap of My 2020 Travels) would easily be blown if I was not more careful. Humbled by my points poverty, I have no choice but to resume traveling like I did before i.e., staying at the cheapest points option for the first night, staying at a mid-level property the second night, and then stretching my stay cert for the best property available for the third night.
I rationalize this beer budget, champagne lifestyle travel strategy by telling myself that this trip is a mattress run for securing Titanium Elite and Hyatt Globalist for 2022 (see 2022: The Year of Status & Becoming Hyatt Globalist Again: TPOL’s Masterpiece Strategy). Absent of those goals, I would stay in Puerto Rico until the world reopens (see 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel). When that happens, I’ll still face the challenge of stretching my points to the limit and figuring out how to replenish them. Devaluations are making the goal of traveling for next to nothing tougher than ever, especially for hotel stays. The change in the points redemption landscape may tempt some to burn what they have left in a last hoorah or a first hoorah after lockdown. I’m taking the opposite approach. I’m going to hoard harder and become even more frugal. If I’m going to burn 100k points, it’s going to be when the world is raring again, and it certainly won’t be for a property in the US.
Simply The Best: April 2021
Simply The Best April 2021 > April 2020, though the Simply The Best April 2020 post was fantastic.
Here are the best posts:
- 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel
Why, after being grounded in Puerto Rico since January 2020, am I not interested in traveling? - Do’s & Don’t’s for Visiting Petra
What is your favorite UNESCO World Heritage Site? One of the most remarkable is Petra. - Etihad First Class Lounge: What’s a Lounge Without a Cigar?
I have been to many airport lounges. I can confidently declare that Etihad’s First Class Lounge is the best. - Dead Sea: A Must See Before You Die
Did you know that the lowest point in the world is the Dead Sea at 394.6 m (1269 ft) below sea level? I did not. Do you believe that you will actually float because of the density of the water? I did not. - North Korea – Level 4: Do Not Travel
I’m going back to the days of Alexander in 2009. While on my New Year’s trip in Bali to ring in 2010, the State Department issued a terrorist attack warning which said, “There is an indication of an attack to Bali tonight.” In reaction to this imminent threat, I did what was sensible: I jumped on the back of a stranger’s motorbike and went bar hopping through Kuta. - We’re All In This Together, So Long As You’re Miserable
Much of the world doesn’t want this pandemic to end. - Guns & Butter: Amman, Jordan Travel Guide*
TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible.
IQKhameleon عقخ: The Lifestyle IS Coming
I hinted at this development in my post COVID 2020: TPOL’s Most Productive Year. And now it is even closer to becoming a reality. We have a logo designed by a former Nike/Hurley designer. We have a manufacturer. We have a landing page: iqkhameleon.com.
And now, we have an offer: The next 50 people who opt-in to receive updates will receive 25% off. 25% off of what? Ah, now I have your attention. The first 50 people who follow عقخ on Instagram, bringing the total to 6 will receive the same. I write that so I can look back when I have 60 followers a year from now and chalk this up as another bad idea (see Aug 1, 2014: The Mistake of Mongolia) or when I have 6,000,000 and I am enjoying the world as it should be.
Miami Booked! American Airlines Reinstates My Voucher
The time has come for TPOL to leave the basement (see Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report). Where would I go after being in my basement since January 2020? The answer is one of my least favorite cities in the world: Miami (see We’re All In This Together, So Long As You’re Miserable). To get there, I wanted to use my incorrectly expired voucher from American Airlines (see Time to Sue American Airlines (Again)). I called AA and rather than wait on hold, I received a call back when it was my turn, between 45 and 75 minutes later. The agent said that she did not see the voucher on her end but that I should try to access it online.
Last time I accessed it, I saw this:
This time, I saw this:
I would like to thank AA for reinstating my voucher. I doubt my angry emails had anything to do with it.
We’re All In This Together, So Long As You’re Miserable
No Need for Social Distance, But Keep Your Distance is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
When this all began, the mantra was “We’re all in this together” (see From Your Grade School Principal: Regarding COVID-19).
Today, it is clear that the only part of “we’re all in this together” is the enjoyment that others project at the sight of everyone being grounded. “Remember when you used to post photos of champagne?” is not a nostalgic reference to the glory days but more of a “How are you enjoying being stuck at home?” jab. Somehow these people don’t realize that the points game is not a zero-sum game i.e., my jet setting doesn’t preclude them from doing the same. Quite the opposite, this blog and my book, Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong . . . Including Mine, encourages everyone to get after life. While social distancing may have kept them away from me physically, I find that people are more invasive than ever before. I’m not talking about the blog trolls whose candor I appreciate (see Cancelled! Festivus 2020). I’m talking about people I speak to text on a regular basis who have used my inability to travel to foolishly think that we are on the same level, that their opinion now matters.
Now that I am leaving the basement (see Miami Booked! American Airlines Reinstates My Voucher), the reaction is not one of celebration. It’s more negativity. “After all this, your first trip is to Miami?” “I don’t know why you’re going there, you’re still going to wear a mask.” Or, my favorite, “We’re all going to have to wear a mask for a long time.”
After not traveling since January of 2020 (see NYC Twice: A Recap of My 2020 Travels), Miami is definitely not the coming-out party that I had envisioned. I wanted to go to Monaco and pop bottles on my yacht. Unfortunately, Monaco is closed to tourists and I still can’t afford a yacht, yet (see COVID 2020: TPOL’s Most Productive Year). And as far as the mask topic, over a year later too many people still don’t understand the point of a mask. If I am vaccinated, I should not have to wear a mask. I only wear one because I haven’t received the Moderna tattoo on my chest letting the world know that I am COVID free. If more people received vaccinations, then it would spare me the ink appointment as the presumption is that more people are COVID free.
Apply this strategy on a world scale, where rich countries help poor countries eradicate infections, and the “We’re all going to have to wear a mask for a long time,” doom and gloom outlook can end for everyone. But that’s not what everyone wants. Much of the world doesn’t want this pandemic to end. On a micro-scale, those who were miserable before would like things to remain shut down, citing, “At least I don’t have to see your douchey photos on IG.” On a macro-scale, the rich countries are too focused on their own population, inexplicably ignoring that the ‘pan’ in pandemic means ‘all’. This short-sighted approach is of little consequence to wealthy nations whose economies will rebound while poor countries will continue to suffer (see North Korea – Level 4: Do Not Travel).
“We’re all in this together,” just not the way that they mean it.
I think as an author, you should make sure what you are writing about before trashing a city in one sentence. Did you try the areas fantastic restaurants scene? Did you visit Brickell City Center which is a cross the bridge from the Hyatt? Did you visit Bayside Market place which is within walking distance of the Hyatt? Did you visit the artistic Wynwood area which is not to far? Did you visit the wharf on the river which is also within walking distance?..and many more areas you could have gone to. I think your writing is extremely one minded and very damaging to a cities reputation given the power they gave you to write about them..in fact I’m going further..I’m gonna write an e-mail to the points guy about this article. Very insulting.
I addressed his inaccuracies in the comments section, specifically how my posts put “People’s livelihoods are in jepody [sic]”. Given my power as a menacing travel blogger, I thought I would rank the worst cities I’ve been to. I’m going to qualify my definition of worst by specifically designating what makes the place irredeemable. Interestingly, out of the 113 countries and territories I have been to (see Where I’ve Been), I have enjoyed the overwhelming majority of cities (see TPOL’s Travels: The Best Big Cities in the World). This demonstrates two things: 1) I’m not the curmudgeon that many think I am. 2) Not liking every place demonstrates authenticity. Would you trust me if I described everything as roses and daisies?
With that out of the way, I present to you TPOL’s ‘Worst Cities in the World’.
Worst City in the World for Traffic: Jakarta, Indonesia
Jakarta’s traffic is so bad that it warrants being included in this list.
Most Overrated City in the United States: Miami, Florida
Terrible customer service, overpriced everything, and people buying into the myth that they are important. Unless you’re Mike Lowery, stop acting like you’re somebody. You call this vibrant?
Worst Big City in the United States: Los Angeles, California
When it comes to 2pac vs. Biggie, I’ll take 2pac all day. When it comes to NY, a city I am not enamored with, vs. LA, I’ll take the Big Apple. From the Lakers to the beaches, LA sucks. #DetroitBasketball
Blandest City in the United States: Dallas, Texas
Everything is Bigger in Texas? Dallas may be a large city, but that doesn’t make it boring. The only entertainment is watching Dallas disappoint its fans every year (see Dallas, Texas: Food & Drink Party Guide).
Most Overrated City in the World: Beirut, Lebanon
One of the few places in the world that I really wanted to visit was Beirut. Upon arriving, I was not impressed. In my grandma’s day, it might have been the Paris of the Middle East. Now, it’s Uncle Rico (see Guns & Butter: (Overrated) Beirut Travel Guide).
Most Disgusting Place in the World: Phuket, Thailand
As I wrote in the post, Places NOT to Visit, “Perhaps one of the most disgusting places on earth is Phuket. Here, like Bangkok, you will find a town riddled with LBH’s (losers back home) who make the journey to Asia to pay a young girl for her company during their stay. TPOL is a staunch advocate against sex tourism.”
Most Disappointing City in the World: Macau
I had the wrong expectations when I went to Macau. I thought it would be like Vegas. It’s the opposite. The SAR of China has the world’s biggest casino where Chinese millionaires drop tens of thousands of dollars without showing any emotion. The casinos are eerily quiet and the nightlife consists of brothels posing as nightclubs.
Most Likely to Never Return to City in the World: Kathmandu, Nepal
I’m happy I made it to Monkey Temple, the highlight of my time in Kathmandu, before going to Pokhara (see Guns & Butter: Kathmandu Travel Guide (Bargaining Edition)). Had I missed it, I would be hard-pressed to return to this chaotic, overwhelming city.
Most Tourist Overrun City in the World: Corfu, Greece
What happened to the Corfu from my childhood? The answer: tourists (see Make Corfu Greek Again! How Tourism Ruined an Island).
Most Annoying Tourists in the World: Bagan, Myanmar
Bagan was one of the best places I have been (see Guns & Butter: Bagan Travel Guide). Unfortunately, the secret is out and annoying tourists are aplenty (see Are You a Naive Traveler?).
Most Unwelcoming City in the World: Istanbul, Turkey
Many of my friends love Istanbul. I do not. I have been there twice and both times have found it to be an unwelcoming place. From the taxis that curse me out (see “Taxi my friend?” The Worst Places to Hail a Cab) to merchants upset that I don’t speak Turkish on account of my Alexander The Great good looks, I don’t feel the love in that city. Add in the Turkish food which I snobbishly say is inferior to Arabic cuisine and perhaps you can understand why I am not a fan.
Worst Tourist Trap in the World: Capri, Italy
I would have said that the whole country of Italy is the worst tourist trap in the world. However, since this list is comprised of cities, I will go with Capri, the apex of tourist traps within the green zone of tourist traps, the Amalfi Coast (see A Beautiful Tourist Trap).
*Dishonorable mention in this category goes to Rome.
Worst Big City in the World: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
If you like the rats of NYC, you’ll love the vermin of Kuala Lumpur. Besides the pest problem, there’s literally nothing to do here but take a photo of the Petronas Towers (see Lord of the Bling: The 10 Tallest Towers). I have been to KL more than anywhere else in SE Asia only because it is the hub of my favorite discount carrier, AirAsia.
Most Reason for Optimism: Marrakech, Morocco
There are two reasons I am ending this post with Marrakech. First, because I would like to make it clear that didn’t fall in love with Marrakech like so many doe-eyed tourists do (see How I Almost Left Marrakech After One Night). Second, because I need to end this post on a positive note. While every city can’t be one of my favorites (see Shanghai & Cape Town), each city does have something that makes it worth seeing at least once. In Marrakech, that was taking a walk on the wild side of the Medina (see The Definitive Guide To Lamb Brain, Tongue, Eyeballs & More Food & Lost in the Labyrinth) and enjoying the tranquility of sobriety (see The Detox Juice Bar).
Overall
Go out, see the world. Make your own conclusions. Just don’t try to convince me that Miami doesn’t suck.