The good news is that I have 5 e-certs for Marriott. The other good news is that I have almost reached the spend on my Chase Hyatt needed for 6 nights credit, and I have an e-cert for the remaining night to get me to 30. The bad news is the same – I still don’t feel like traveling (see 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel).
It’s hard not to get inspired looking at those beautiful colors. Then again, just about every destination on this list is off-limits. What’s a travel blogger to do? (see What’s a Travel Blog Without Travel?)
TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible. Here’s how it works – A trip is composed of two factors: Labor And Lazy. The opportunity cost (what is given up) for relaxing and being Lazy is gained by being adventurous in the form of Labor and vice versa. The guide includes inefficient activities i.e., tourist traps that should be avoided and aspirational activities that are worth doing but may be impossible to see given the constraints of time and resources.
On this trip I will be going back to Dubai, back to Shanghai, then to Tahiti, then New Zealand for the second time, back back to Shanghai, then to Tokyo again, before dreaming my way to the US for next to nothing ($169 including hotels).
Here are the three places I visited, ranked worst to first.
3. Papeete
Most tourists stay in Papeete either on the way in or out of Tahiti. I stayed one night and that was plenty.
Hotel
I stayed at the Le Méridien Tahiti. As is written in the post, it was Good Enough. Next time, I would just stay at an airport hotel to avoid the $40 taxi ride plus cost of luggage.
Is it photo shopped?
A Note on Luggage
The stupidest thing I did on this trip besides my China visa incident (China 72-hour Visa-Free Transit Disaster (again)) was bringing golf clubs (see TPOL in Tahiti: Now What). It ruined my streak of no carry-on bags and I ended up leaving them in Papeete because they cost too much to bring on the hopper plane.
2. Bora Bora
When anyone thinks of Tahiti, they automatically think of Bora Bora. While the scenery was beautiful, I was not impressed with either of the Intercontinentals.
It started before I arrived when the IC Bora Bora emailed me to say that there was not going to be A/C in my room (see No AC in Tahiti!). The poor customer service persisted at the IC Le Moana Bora Bora where I was denied breakfast and generally did not feel any hospitality.
Bring your own positive attitude (along with your own snacks) because you won’t encounter it with this staff.
My quick assessment of Bora Bora is a function of the sun. If the sun is out, then the views are spectacular, the water is crystal clear, and life is good.
1. Moorea
The best place I visited in Tahiti was Moorea. It’s not perfect and it does take tourists for granted with its inconsistent service (see Tahiti’s Diva Wide Receiver Problem), but it was much better than overpriced Bora Bora. Here’s what to do and not to do there.
Leave the hotel and enjoy the local cuisine whether it be casual cafe, a fancy French food, or a fantastic steak house. Alternatively, order pizza and watch a DVD.
When I wrote TPOL Tahiti: Real Talk, I highlighted the positives and negatives of Tahiti. Those traveling there should know that like any tourist destination there will be memorable places and memorable people. There will also be expectations that are not met on account of the mystique of the word ‘Tahiti’. To truly enjoy your time, hope that it is sunny and do your best to avoid outsized expectations.
My favorite restaurant in Moorea was Holy Steak House. It was so good, we went twice.
$110Holy Cow
Moorea Beach Cafe
Since we were in French Polynesia, I had to sample French cuisine at Moorea Beach Cafe. This was my first time eating escargot. My prior knowledge of escargot came from days on the playground in grade school where kids used to say how people in France ate snails. Yuck!
Escargot
Pizza
And when you’re too full to move, there’s always Allo Pizza for delivery.
Overall
I was very impressed with the restaurants in Moorea. My diet may have been shot, but the budget was not blown too badly.
I’m still in my basement (see 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel), and I’m running out of content. That and golf (see TPOL Chokes, Loses) are why I haven’t adhered to my daily blog schedule (TPOL Opens M-F at 10:07AM EST). Fortunately, I have been virtually able to visit a hotel in Hawaii, called the White Lotus. The TV show which airs on HBO Max is “A social satire set at an exclusive Hawaiian resort, the series follows the vacations of various hotel guests over the span of a week as they relax and rejuvenate in paradise. But with each passing day, a darker complexity emerges in these picture-perfect travelers, the hotel’s cheerful employees, and the idyllic locale itself.”
For me, it’s a hilarious depiction of how we act as travelers and how we interact with guests and hotel staff along the way. I can identify with each character and can empathize with the hotel staff that has to deal with needy guests. The most obnoxious but identifiable character is Shane who is at the White Lotus for his honeymoon. He was supposed to receive the Pineapple Suite but was put into a room without a splash pool (see Should I Pay for an Overwater Bungalow?). His wife, Rachel, begs for him to let it go and believes that his obsession with receiving the right upgrade is ruining his vacation. Like me, he is fixated with receiving what he paid for and what he deserves and believes that accepting anything less would be a personal front and that would ruin his vacation. His interaction with Armond, the hotel manager, takes me back to my times complaining when I don’t receive my expected upgrade (see Renaissance Yu Garden Shanghai: A Comprehensive Review). Like Shane, I don’t think I’m a jerk when I request what I deserve. Like Shane, I’m sure the staff may think otherwise. Attempts to appease him with a free bottle of champagne are also not good enough (The W Hollywood: Unwelcome Even on Your Birthday).
As a TPOL reader, you must know how I feel about hotel breakfast (see TPOL Paid for Breakfast! And…). The show does a good job of capturing the drama that is the vacation breakfast.
Mom: Let’s go guys, let’s go to breakfast. Quinn, get your clothes on.
Son: Mom, it’s vacation! It’s a breakfast buffet in Hawaii. It shouldn’t be a stressful situation!
The other relatable breakfast scene is Shane topping his plate with too much food while the hotel staff watches in disgust. Enamored with himself, he comments, “Buffet is decent.”
The show is also funny in that it shows how I imagine hotels are run. Some employees genuinely enjoy providing great customer service. Others have to psych themselves up to cater to the particularities and peculiarities of every guest. Just watching the never-ending requests is exhausting, forcing me to self-reflect on how I behave as a guest. Simultaneously, I laugh at the recommendations by the staff for what activities guests can’t miss while they’re at the resort. From snorkeling to scuba, massages to themed dinners, the show brings the manufactured Maldives experience to life (see The Conrad Maldives: Heaven Can Wait).
Overall, if you can’t be bothered to travel with today’s restrictions but are missing the hijinx of a perfect trip going wrong, visit (watch) the White Lotus.
I would be livid had I not received my hot tub in Maldives after paying $650 a night for the upgrade.
Soon I will return to my regularly scheduled blogging, but for those who could not tune into the streaming golf match yesterday (The Match: TPOL vs. Contreras, Stream Live This AM) due to blackout restrictions in their local market, I would like to share the results. Up 2 strokes with 2 holes left, TPOL took to the tee box and hit a less than impressive drive. The next shot went OB. Even with the recovery off of a wedge onto the green, the match was tied up going into the final hole. With the pressure mounting, TPOL had a collapse. The driver went straight into the air. The next shot was errant right. The shot after that went into a bunker.
Never before has there been so much hype for a golf match. Reminiscent of Tiger vs. Phil, The Match, presented by nobody, is happening this morning at the Rio Mar Golf Club. Caesars gives TPOL 5 to 1 odds to win and does not expect Contreras to last more than 11 holes. The event can be live-streamed using your favorite streaming service. May TPOL win!
I’ve shirked my blogging duties to train like Rocky V.
Like many others, I have been receiving numerous offers from Amex including one for 150k for the Business Platinum (see Targeted: 150k Amex Platinum Biz Offer). Six days ago, I received one for 90k for the Business Gold Card. I went to apply using the link in the email and now it shows that the offer is no longer available. I know we’re supposed to get on these offers quickly, but six days? It might be worth calling and finding out if it’s still available. Perhaps it’s time to go after the Platinum offer before that disappears too.
There’s a GDPR compliance pop-up when you enter my website. “We collect cookies. Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law.” I am adding another opt-in form that says, “TPOL is not a feel-good, nice guy blogger. Read posts at your own risk. Leave comments at your own peril.”
Lately, I’ve been receiving criticism for my writing (see AA Refund!…7-20 Business Days & Blog Roast OMAAT: Starting Posts with Ouch, Wow, Uh Oh, Wild, Major, Whoa). Some of the readers are new and do not understand my irreverence or my sense of humor. Others keep coming back for more thinking that this time I’m going to be different. These readers do not understand my unwillingness to conform to the prototypical travel blog. I write about what I want when I want and how I want. I assumed that deviating from the cookie-cutter script of travel blogging e.g., apply for this credit card, check out 50 pictures of this airplane seat, would be refreshing. For some it is. For others, it isn’t. Those that are displeased think that there should be a blogger code of conduct whereby I have to be more sensitive about what I write because they believe it affects humanity (see Mario’s comments in Hyatt Regency Miami: You’re Not Staying Here Anyway). I disagree. This isn’t an authoritarian blogging community. This is a casual, free speech, wholly independent travel blog. Come, talk shit, and enjoy. If you’re too brittle, hit the back button now.
Changing my tag line from ‘living doesn’t have to suck’ to ‘zero ducks given’.
