In 1991 I said, “There’s always next year.” In 2022, I am saying the same. After the Bills lost in one of the best games I have seen, I was dejected but relieved. Dejected because the OT rules are silly. Each team should be afforded the opportunity to go on offense, especially when neither defense could make stops. Relief came from knowing that I didn’t need to refinance my villa to pay for tickets to the Super Bowl and because I’m too injured to travel to Los Angeles (see TPOL Is Down). Out of curiosity, I checked the prices and was shocked at what I found.
Who can afford to pay $37,000 for two tickets? Even the ‘cheap’ ones are going for 10k each. Assume the Bills make it to the Super Bowl one day and assume that they actually win. I don’t think I’ll be rejoicing in the stands knowing that I paid that much to watch a football game. Corporate sponsors aside, there’s no way the average NFL fan is paying this much. There must be a way to hack my way into a Super Bowl. What am I missing?
I apologize for breaking my word and not posting an out-of-the-office message (see TPOL Opens M-F at 10:07AM EST), though I have been using those too frequently lately. This time I wasn’t traveling. Instead, I was hopping all over Puerto Rico from hospital to hospital seeking medical treatment. While cruising to the tennis finals at the Rio Mar Classic, I heard a loud pop. I thought someone had hit a tennis ball in my direction. I looked back, saw nothing, and fell to the ground. I tried to stand up but it seemed like something was missing from my right leg. The MRI confirmed that it was my Achilles. Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday. Please use the Go Make Fun of Me Page to blast me for putting myself into another lockdown. I’ll be back like my colleagues, including LA Rams Cam Akers, in no time. In the interim, pardon the interruption.
Last year I was worried that the Bills would go to the Super Bowl forcing me to leave the basement (see Bills Mafia: TPOL’s NFL Playoff Predictions & About Those Buffalo Bills…). That did not happen. This year, I see no reason why the Bills won’t advance to the championship game and no reason, apart from not wanting to spend a small fortune, why I won’t be in Los Angeles.
Now that Wildcard weekend is over, let me predict how my Bills will get to the promised land.
(4) Cincinnati Bengals at (1) Tennessee Titans: Burrow may be great one day, but Henry rolls through the Bengals.
(6) San Francisco 49ers at (1) Green Bay Packers: Fully immunized jerk store destroys Jimmy G in his last game as a 49er.
(4) Los Angeles Ramsat (2) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: End of the line for Michigan’s TB 12. Stafford, despite throwing picks, manages to win thanks to OBJ and a great defense.
(3) Buffalo Bills at (2) Kansas City Chiefs: Karma catches up with Mahomes for making everyone miserable with his Patrick price commercial. Bills win!
Though I had been to plays before, TPOL is the Master of the House, I never went to one on Broadway. On a friend’s recommendation, I chose Moulin Rouge. I had not seen the movie and knew nothing about the production.
Buying Tickets
I thought about going old school and buying scalped tickets (see Ticket Scalping NYC: Know Before You Go & Bottoms Up! Crowne Plaza Sanya City Center) but found a good deal on Stubhub. It was $250 for two tickets Orchestra Right seats in row P for the matinee show. Covid did not approve of the show forcing it to be canceled. I ended up buying a second pair of tickets for Orchestra Center Row Q for $300.
Arrival Time
The show started at 8. I recommend arriving 15 minutes before showtime.
Etiquette
Pictures and videos are not allowed during the show. The ushers are very strict about this and unlike the unsophisticated comedy show goers (see Etiquette of Things: Comedy Cellar NY), the crowd respected the rules.
Show
I was surprised by how funny and entertaining the musical was. It was not outdated or boring. The talent of the performers is unquestionable. Even cynical TPOL could not help but give a standing ovation.
Overall
Going to NYC as a tourist is far different than going for work. #1 on the list of things to do as a tourist is to see a show on Broadway.
As Latte Larry found out, it’s the beans that make a coffee shop a coffee shop. Tired of Starbucks, unimpressed with Stumptown (see What A Wait), and unable to find Gregory’s, I stopped into the nicest coffee shop in New York, if not the world. The decor must contribute to the price because the cost of coffee was astronomical. Like John Travolta questioning how a milkshake could cost $5, I had to know what a $7 mocha was like.
Unlike Dunkin’, Felix does not make coffee in a hurry. The wait was considerable but the reward was justified. Slouched on a fancy couch, I savored every drop. Unlike The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, I wasn’t jittery from the beans. The buzz was smooth and durable.
Rich or not, I could not justify going on a daily basis. Maybe I’ll return during the next pandemic.
TPOL’s Tip: 2 locations: 450 Park Ave S & 104 Greene St · In Soho Building
The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Etiquette of Things: Things You Didn’t Know Were Things. It is based on my annoyance with society as a whole and my Angry Professor persona (catch up on all Angry Professor posts here).
I haven’t been to too many comedy shows in my life. I once saw Chappelle in Ann Arbor in 2000 at the Hill Auditorium. Inspired by yet another HBO show (see How To with TPOL: Dine Safely During the Pandemic), Crashing, I booked two shows at the world-famous Comedy Cellar. The first was at the original venue. The second was at The Fat Black Pussycat.
Originally, this post was supposed to be a review of the experience. After going, it turned into another installment for my upcoming book, The Etiquette of Things.
Here’s why:
Follow Procedure
The Woke World has ruined life for comedians and sarcastic bastards like myself. To curtail a comedian from being canceled for being funny, the venue requires that all phones and smartwatches be stored in an envelope before the show begins. This is disclosed at the time of the reservation. Yet there still was push-back by some patrons. Shut up and put your device away or don’t attend.
Seating
In the original Comedy Cellar venue, seating is tight. The waitress instructs guests to keep their seats facing straight at the stage so they can deliver drinks without obstacles. Help them get you your drinks faster by not angling your chair like an oblivious jerk.
Drinking
The Cellar does not allow people who are tipsy to enter. It also has a three drink maximum while in the club. There is a good reason for this rule: people already are too comfortable interacting with the comedians, given the intimacy of the setting. Add in alcohol and that annoying behavior would increase exponentially.
TPOL’s Tip: Drinks are $10 each and there is a two drink minimum.
Talking
There was a group of four girls who sat next to the stage. During the acts, they could not help but talk to each other. It was annoying for the audience and it must have been distracting and infuriating for the comedians. The staff did say something to them and the last comedian stopped at their table to give them a few words. I did not hear what was exchanged, but after the comedian left one of the girls said, “I did not think he was funny anyway.”
Heckling
There was not the Seinfeld heckler that ruined Jerry’s set, but there were a few woke wimps who ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ anytime anything ‘offensive’ i.e. funny was said. No wonder phones must be locked up.
Interacting
A few times the comedian picked on members of the audience. Some tried to act cute by giving smart-ass answers. The comedian shut these people down quickly. Unprompted, some in the audience started shouting things at the comedians. This by far was the most irritating act. These people thought they were being funny or bold. Somehow they did not understand that we did not come to see them.
Overall
If you’re going to a comedy show, recognize that you are there to see others perform. No one wants to hear from you, apart from laughing, which, when overdone, is also annoying. If you fancy yourself a comedian and believe you can do a better job, try your luck at amateur hour. Until then, shut up.
I am going to try stand up one day. I invite my Festivus fans to come heckle.
A new show that has piqued my interest is How To with John Wilson where an eccentric cameraman showcases the idiosyncrasies of NY literally through his camera lens.
Paying homage to that show, I would like to tell you how to safely dine in NYC during the pandemic.
The solution is not ‘outdoor dining’ stalls that have littered the streets of New York. This stupid innovation was meant to counter the ‘dangers’ of dining indoors. It is, for lack of a better term, as bootleg as restaurants in Scottsdale pumping mist sprayers in the middle of the summer as a way to combat the insufferable heat. Neither work. In Scottsdale, it is still as hot as hell and guests end up leaving damp and moist. In New York, it’s delusional to think that these mobile homes are warm and cozy. It is fool-hearted to pretend that sitting in a mobile home replicates the going out to eat experience. It is even more far-fetched to think that these outhouses are safe. Seeing the stalls lined up one by one on main streets, I posited when would a car come crashing through one of these either by accident or on purpose. No sooner did this thought come to my mind when I saw on the local news that someone had done just that. The jeep plowed into the pop-up restaurant and the driver ran away.
Instead of pretending that you are enjoying the experience of upscale dining in a trailer in the dead of winter, I propose something bold: take a risk (see Your Papers, Please: NY, The Lame Apple) and dine indoors. Your date will thank you.
I arrived on December 29th to find no party. Instead, I found a city beaten to the core. After months of suffering blow after blow, it was not a surprise that the city is on life support. What was a surprise is how this dreadful situation is accepted as the new normal. From midtown to downtown, I did not see anyone dressed for a day at the office. The suit and tie are dead. Everyone cashed in their stimulus check and adopted Costanza’s sweatpants policy, signaling that they too had given up on life.
Besides the demise of the office is the demise of personal accountability. Why are workers forced to ask patrons for their papers? Every bar, restaurant, brothel, and hotel greets anyone seeking admission with the intrusive line, “Your papers, please.” Those without ID and vaccine cards are denied entry. Those with both meekly accept that such intrusions are necessary for normalcy.
Wake up New York! It does not have to be this way. Enough of these mitigation measures. They are not working. It’s time to accept the reality that the anti-vaxxers will never be vaccinated, the vaccinated can still get Covid, and the vulnerable will always be vulnerable. At this point, we should demand the old normal where risk of death is the trade-off for having [a] life.
I’m sure this mask is protecting me and you. Let’s wear it forever.
Happy New Year from your former favorite travel blogger and former world explorer. Here are the top posts from the year and one selected post per month:
I’m sure no one cares to read about the Hyatt Regency in downtown Miami. Most people who do visit this terrible city will not be staying downtown anyway.
I wrote “Describe Trump’s Travel Ban: It’s Stupid.” Today I use the word stupid again to describe the US’s requirement that travelers returning from abroad need to present a negative COVID test taken no more than 72 hours from the date of travel.
TPOL is out of the office through October. If you do not see daily posts as is required, I am either in quarantine dealing with a breakthrough infection, or having a great time.
It’s that time of year again. The time when I question why I still try to qualify for Marriott and how I will do so this year. It’s also the time I hope that QAnon will be right and SPG will be restored. Conspiracy aside, today is the day to pick my Marriott Titanium annual choice benefits.
For the first 50 night choice, there is no debate. Taking the 5 suite upgrade is the way to go, though every year I hoard these upgrades for a magical use that never takes place. Last year I used two awards to stay at the boring JW Marriott Bogota (see My Father Would Stay Here). For the 75 night choice, I was impressed that one free night worth up to 40k points was offered. While I hoard my points for the second coming of SPG, I have no issue burning the free night certificates and usually come away with a great redemption (see Courtyard by Marriott Hong Kong: New Year’s Cert Rescue Story).
You must choose today or it will default to what you selected last year. What will you choose? And will anyone be having this conversation next year, or is it time to finally let go of Marriott?
