Since I didn’t know how long I was staying in Hobart nor did I plan ahead what I was going to do there, I thought it was a better idea to Uber from the airport than to pay for a rental and pay for parking at the ibis. The next morning I tried booking with Hertz like I did with Darwin (see Do You Take Photos of Your Rental Car?). It was sold out. I tried walking into Europcar and Budget and was offered obscene prices. A two day rental was $400USD. The only affordable car was $160USD but I would have to go back to the airport to pick it up.
My original plan was to rent a car for two days, visit Mount Wellington and MONA (see Museum of New and Old Art Tasmania: What the £µ¢&!) on the first and Bruny Island on the second. With no cars available, I pushed off the mountain for day two (something I ended up skipping completely) and booked a rental from the Budget for $140USD for the next day. The reason I rented a car was to get to Bruny Island, the highlight of my Tasmania experience. With a rental, I was able to explore the island on my own terms versus a miserable, organized tour (see Amalfi Coast: A Beautiful Tourist Trap). From Bruny, we drove straight to the airport, paid the $30AUD drop off change fee, and said goodbye to Hobart (see What to Do in the Citaaay, City of Hobart).
Overall
Due to the steep rental prices, I would only rent a car for 24 hours and see as much as you can. However, planning ahead of time will save you the headache that I brought upon myself.
In the citaaay, city of Hobart. We keep it rockin!
Now let me welcome everyone to the deep, deep south. I don’t mean that in the same way Americans describe Biloxi, Mississippi. I mean in it in the literal sense. Tasmania is located so far down on the map that tourists can take a day flight to Antarctica. I had no interest in doing that. Instead, I chose to wander around and see what life is like in Hobart.
The harbor from the Ibis is a short walk. Right on the water are restaurants serving a Hobart favorite, deep-sea blue-eye trevella. At Flippers, I walked across the plank and put in an order for fish, dim sum, prawns, and chips. After all, what doesn’t taste good fried?
Dinner
Freaked out after my experience at the world’s wackiest museum, MONA, I took a local’s recommendation and went to Ti ama which is also close to the harbor. If you are in Hobart and like pizza and octopus, I suggest you do the same.
The atmosphere is eclectic and the drinks are disorienting. It’s like I never left the museum.
Overall
I didn’t come to Tasmania to hang out in Hobart. But while I was there, I did manage to keep myself hydrated and nourished.
I was just approved for the Alaska Business card which comes with 40k points after $2k spend. In the old days, before a man couldn’t keep secrets (see The Deal Killer Strikes Again), I used to apply for a few Alaska cards, collect the points, and then fly Emirates First (see see Sheikh Dubai’s Chariot: First Class on Emirates Airlines A380 and see Emirates Shower Class JFK-DXB: One More Time). Then Alaska rudely devalued that flight and my sheikh lifestyle came to an abrupt halt. Now, thanks to applying for Alaska cards here and there (and without buying Alaska miles), my balance is approaching 200k. The question is whether I should get over the old days when mile high showers were readily available and burn my new found wealth for one more splurge of Dom and DJing (see Emirates A380 Silent Disco!). The alternative is to save them for long-haul on Cathay as I did last December which had me sitting pretty all the way to Sydney (see Cathay Pacific First Class JFK-HKG: 15.5 Hours of Bliss).
Would you burn your Alaska on Emirates?
Yes, there are other ways to fly Emirates, but Alaska is so easy.
TPOL isn’t a frequenter of museums. It’s not something I go out of my way to do. I made an exception for the MONA because it is exceptionally weird. How do I explain it? Let’s start with getting there.
Getting There
The museum is located on what can best be described as Shutter Island. While you can drive there, the war time ferry is more appropriate.
Not a typical ferry
Going by ferry, you have two options: peasant class or posh cabin. Keeping with the strange theme, I paid for the posh party boat option which comes with open bar and food.
Here’s what you get:
Bubbles: Do you think museums are boring? Show up tipsy and you may change your mind.
Snacks: The food isn’t peasant class crumbs.
Hiphop: Biggie and 2pac were played as we made our way across.
Comfortable Seating: The next step in TPOL’s world domination is to stop flying on points and to start flying private. Simultaneously, yacht life is the only way to live.
Arrival
We exited the ferry and entered the museum which is located underground. Naturally, the first stop was the bar on the bottom floor.
Roulette
Like the Zoltar machine from Big, the Moo Brew Roulette machine called to me. For 9AUD, gamblers can test their ‘no whammy’ stop luck in the hopes of not landing on Foster’s. I lucked out and ended up with the stout. Others approached the machine but dared not play for fear of Foster’s. Others gambled and also received the stout. One poor unfortunate soul struck out and walked away bitterly disappointed for paying 9AUD for Foster’s. It’s remarkable how much that beer is loathed.
If you’re not the adventurous type, there is a bar serving high end cocktails.
There’s even artwork on the bathroom floor.
Compared to the rest of the museum, the bottom floor is tame. There’s a water display that spells out words and an exhibit of ziploc bags full of water.
Vaginas
The house of 1000 vaginas is located on the next floor up. An old lady approached Ms. TPOL and asked if she had located hers? How often does that happen at a museum?
Poop
From vagina to poop, this museum has it all. Behold the intestine display that produces fake feces that smell real!
Fish
Where is my goldfish? Not in the carnival bag. Oh, here he is, located in a bowl with a knife.
Blank Books
My favorite exhibit was the room of books with nothing inside. What’s the message? Books are full of nothing? Nobody reads books so they might as well be blank? Memory is fleeting? It was something out of a bad dream.
Babies, Skeletons Ducking, Naked Women
Are you not entertained? How about skeletons having sex.
The skeletons were not stationary. How about these weird paintings?
I Love You!
Sexy, erotic, exotic? There were drawers that opened. Each said ‘I love you’ in a different way from horny to happy.
Hotline Bling
Then there was this hallway. You used to call me on the bat phone.
You don’t have to call it a wall. There are beautiful steel slats that separate Hobart from MONA. There’s also a natural body of water.
Trampoline
You should know, you should know better.
Along with a tennis court, there’s a trampoline. No idea why.
Concert Venue
There’s also a venue for live music.
Hotel
If you want to stay on loony island, there’s a hotel.
Medical Waiver Restaurant
There’s a restaurant where a medical waiver is required. It’s not because of the food, it’s because of the light show within this Epcot ball. I did not do it, nor did I eat there. The employees were far from friendly. Not sure if that’s part of the theme or if they’re just jerks.
Beer
Freaked out? Questioning reality? Have a beer and get ready to get off the island. Last ferry is at 7:30PM. No idea what would have happened if I’d missed it, and I didn’t want to find out.
I found it! Covfefe
Getting Back
I escaped Shutter Island the same way I got there – by military escort and in style.
Restaurant Barrachina claims to be the home of the original piña colada. I was saddened to learn that my favorite drink was pre-made (see The Original Piña Colada Comes From a Slushy Machine?).Now for the grossest: La Factoria
Some will say that La Factoria is the best bar on San Sebastian. I am not a fan of the place. For my fellow Michigan grads, it reminds me of Rick’s American Cafe, only with expensive drinks. Those who have been to Rick’s will recognize these disgusting toilets, which is why this bar receives the distinction of grossest.
If you can hold it for the night and are borderline blackout, the speakeasy atmosphere can be fun. If you’re sober, then picture going to Rick’s and drinking club soda all night. No bueno.
Missing your local dive? Go to El Batey, the oldest bar in Old San Juan.
Others: San Sebastian
San Sebastian is full of bars with different music for all tastes. Most were surprsingly empty even on the weekends.
The quiet streets…leadingtoa little louder San Sebastian
Bland: La Taberna Lupolo
This tavern had plenty of beers on tap, but it was lacking in energy. Like La Factoria, drinks are not cheap.
Timeout for Street Art
There are plenty of great murals along the streets, further boosting my assertion that Old San Juan is America’s most beautiful city.
Finally, the best: La Verguenza
If you’re not looking to unwind on a Sunday, head to La Verguenza. There is live music, dancing, and the best mojito known to man. The sunset view of the sea can’t be beat.
Overall
Partying in Old San Juan was surprisingly disappointing. I still have to go San Sebastian Street Festival, but apart from that that, I have no interest in returning unless it’s for a mojito at La Verguenza.
The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Etiquette of Things: Things You Didn’t Know Were Things. It is based on my annoyance with society as a whole and my Angry Professor persona (catch up on all Angry Professor posts here).
Based on the number of views, The Etiquette of Things: Things You Didn’t Know Were Things, will become a NYT best seller, easily eclipsing the mark set by my first book, Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong . . . Including Mine.
Today’s entry focuses on getting off of an airplane. It is meant for times when we inexplicably choose to fly Peasant Class.
When TPOL was Alex, he used to remain in his window seat in no urgency to get off the plane. Why? Because I used to fly with checked bags. Now I Pack 1/2 the Clothes and Twice the Money. When I flew Wow to Iceland (now defunct), I packed even less (see The World’s Greatest Travel Jacket: A Smuggler’s Tool). The advantage of having no bags is that I can get right off the plane and head straight to the nearest pub. The problem is that not everyone on board has my sense of urgency.
Contrast that with flying in mainland China. Before the plane is done taxiing, people are getting up and removing bags from the overhead bins. The “stay seated until the fasten seat belt sign is turned off” warning is ignored. As the plane gets closer to the gate, you can sense the anxiousness from everyone on board. The ‘ding’ is sounded and it’s a collective jack-in-the-box reaction from whomever hasn’t jumped up already. (Warning: if you’re going to compete for the ‘fastest to get off a plane’ award, be sure to unfasten your seat belt before springing up. I’ve done that many times and can verify that seat belts work.)
From there, bags are grabbed and people are storming down the aisle. If you’re fumbling for your carry on or not paying attention, jump in the aisle at your own risk. No one will yield to your lethargy. And that’s the way it should be.
In order to bring this organized chaos to the US, I have some proposals for my fellow passengers.
Put your overhead bin in the opposite side of the aisle. It’s common sense for two reasons: 1) You can keep an eye out on your bag in case some person decides to go shopping during the flight. 2) It makes sense logistically. When you deplane, you don’t have to turn around, pick up your bag, and then head off the plane. By putting it in the opposite side, preferably, one row ahead, you can pick it up in stride and not break the departure rhythm.
Get off your damn phone: Walking and texting is worse than texting and driving. Worse is waiting for someone hunched over in the middle seat pretending to be ready to get off the plane, only to find that they do not see that it is their time to go. Instead of yielding to the prepared person, they make everyone wait as they put their phone away, reach for their bag (which they have not put in the opposite aisle), and then head off the plane.
Stand up! It’s not Ludacris. But why are you sitting down if you’re in the aisle seat? When I move you move. Just. Like. That. Otherwise, move b*t#@, get out the way.
Sit down! If you don’t want to be rushed, then sit down and text to your heart’s content.
Help people: The Etiquette of Things isn’t about being a jerk. If you see a person who is struggling with his/her overhead bag, volunteer to help. Don’t just stand there (looking down on your phone).
Imagine you or the person next to you has to make a connection. This is the golden rule. If everyone followed this, there would be no issues. People would get off the plane or get out of people’s way.
What suggestions do you have? Hopefully, this tutorial will be played after the safety video demonstration.
Do you think I want to sit in this cramped chair any more than I have to?
TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible. Here’s how it works – A trip is composed of two factors: Labor And Lazy. The opportunity cost (what is given up) for relaxing and being Lazy is gained by being adventurous in the form of Labor and vice versa. The guide includes inefficient activities i.e., tourist traps that should be avoided, and aspirational activities that are worth doing but may be impossible to see given the constraints of time and resources.
Do
100th Country: If you’re going to your 100th country, make it memorable. In Macedonia, they graciously built a monument in my honor.
Marriott: If you’re going to stay in Skopje for a night, stay at the Marriott. That way you’ll be right outside of the statue bonanza.
Statues: In an odd way to attract tourists, Macedonia decided to build statue after statue. It’s strange but worth seeing.
Old Bazaar: What’s a trip without a stop in the Old Bazaar? It’s right across the bridge from the Marriott.
Did you catch TPOL on IG Live yesterday? If you did, then you would have seen an amazing 125 yard shot with my 8 iron landing squarely on the green. If you didn’t, there is no proof of this happening because the app froze when I tried to share it to my story.
Damn technology
Right now I have 12.1k followers on IG (follow me here), but no strategy or schedule for what or when I post. I once thought of starting a Vlog on YouTube (become my 6th follower here) but wasn’t impressed by the ROI (see TPOL’s Way Out of Poverty Is Not Vlogging). This led me to LinkedIn, a more professional, untapped social network which serves my two-prong dream of 1) becoming a video celebrity 2) selling my book, Everyone’s Advice Is Wrong . . . Including Mine.
TPOL the blogger has been around for five years (see Simply The Best: 5 Years of T-P-O-L). How long will TPOL the Vlogger last? Follow me here and find out.
I used to complain about Delta’s carrots and hummus (see Delta Sky Club Detroit Metro: This Again?), but now that criticism extends to lounges across the board. Perhaps it’s because everyone has an Amex Platinum (except me now, see Keep Vs. Cancel: Amex Platinum Charles Schwab). Perhaps it’s because everyone has at least one membership to Priority Pass. Whatever the reason, lounges no longer feel the need to provide the quality which they would provide if the lounges were more exclusive. That’s why on the way to Trinidad, I chose to arrive minutes before boarding and skip the lounge. Unlike before, I had zero regrets about doing so.
What about you? All day freeloader? Or skip it, it’s overrated?
After running on the beach, I returned to the Confidante confident to go to the pool. The hotel said there would be a DJ that day. Visions of old school Vegas pool parties popped in my head (see Vegas Knockout: Fading to Blackout at the Hard Rock). It ended up being much more tame than that. The music was more for ambiance and less for getting the guests hype. In fact, there were a few people reading books in the pool. That doesn’t scream party. It does give me some hope that people still read.
Confidante zzz party
Instead of opting for calm, I decided on chaos. An Uber ride later, I arrived at the SLS Hotel. Within the hotel, there’s Hyde Beach.
Getting In
If you’re not a guest of the hotel and you happen to be male, you’ll have to wait in line. When you get in, there’s a $100 spend. If you are a quick talker, you may be able to skip the line and receive two comped drinks (valued at $42) if you give the right person a $50 note. Then there’s no minimum spend. This blogger still hit it meaning the only value I received was fast tracking the queue. I was regretting that expenditure both monetarily and physically the next day.
SLS, not the pool party
Music
The music was good. It was not heavy trance, and it wasn’t all top 40.
SLS, the pool party
People
If people behaved in real life like they do at pool parties, the world would live in harmony. By the time the sun went down, it was a community of happy drunkards.
Overall
If you’re in Miami, it’s hard to opt for the chill pool when there’s a party on South Beach.
Now for the grossest: La Factoria 
