TPOL tried to join TikTok (see The End of Days: TPOL Joins TikTok). And failed. It’s too stupid of a platform for a person of my intellect. Having said that, it is the only way to go if you want to make a name for yourself in this business. Recently, every blog has referenced this traveler’s rant about the overrated Amalfi Coast.
https://www.tiktok.com/@millenniallex/video/7254561358065323310?referer_url=viewfromthewing.com%2Fthe-unvarnished-truth-about-the-amalfi-coast-roundup%2F%3Futm_source%3DBoardingArea%26utm_medium%3DBoardingArea&refer=embed&embed_source=121352282%2C121351166%2C121331973%2C120811592%2C120810756%3Bnull%3Bembed_pause_share&referer_video_id=7254561358065323310
This video clip has received millions of views. While I agree that this place should not be on a ‘must travel’ list, it’s not for the reasons she gave. As I wrote in my post on the Amalfi Coast, the reason to avoid it is because it is an unconscionable tourist trap.
Here’s an excerpt from that post:
I believe the phrase ‘when in Rome’ was coined to make tourists feel fine for the ripoff they experience in Italy. I say this after spending 13 euros on too much Gelato and a double espresso in the town of Amalfi. And also for 6 euros for a double espresso and 7 for a Gelato which included the 1 euro service fee for sitting down at this little table. Amalfi is a bigger tourist trap than Capri. I asked the waiter if he was a millionaire and he said that he just worked there. I guess I’m supposed to shut up and enjoy the moment and do as the Romans do. If only I could duck tourists when they come to the States.
Sadly, no one reads anymore. Sadly, the world takes for granted the creativity and humor that only words can provide.
Amalfi Coast: My Take Was Taken on TikTok
Scammed! Or Stupid? Spirit Takes Me for $99 (Part 1)
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! Now comes forth a bitter Spirit customer number 1,287,878,964
I flew Spirit for the first time en route to Carnival in Jamaica. I didn’t mind it (see Spirit: Thankfully Not Awful Like Frontier). Having to go back to the D, I flew Spirit direct from Puerto Rico for $100. Knowing Spirit charges bag fees, I used my new Amex Business Platinum to pay for a bag, Wi-Fi, and a seat near the front of the plane. That charge would be reimbursed thanks to the yearly $200 airline credit. Things did not go according to plan. After leaving the Priority Pass SJU Lounge, I went to the gate. The agent scanned my ticket but said I couldn’t bring my carry-on. I told him that I paid for the ‘just for you’ bundle which included a bag. He said, step aside. His colleague took over and immediately went into Ryanair indifference mode (see 100 GBP Carry-On Bags? Scammed by Ryanair & Trips.com). Jerk: You have no bag on your reservation. Me: Yes, I do. See here. Jerk: I have bad vision so I can’t read your phone. I can tell you what I see on my computer. Me: What? Jerk: You can either pay or not go on the plane. It will be $99. Me: You’re a piece of shit bleepity bleepity bleep. Have you no decency! Have you no soul! . . . This is what I wanted to say. Me: Here’s my Amex.
Punxsutawney TPOL: Travel Lessons
Punxsutawney Travel Lessons is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
I always make mistakes when I travel. I openly confess such mistakes. Instead of thanking me, some readers like to criticize me. Here were my lessons from this trip:
- Order at least a medium deep dish pizza, well-done crust (see Post Lockdown Dream Fulfilled? Deep Dish Pizza in Chicago).
Order a medium pizza. Even if the small is more than enough for two, I contend that a medium is required for the synthesis of the deep dish crust, mounds of cheese, and pepperoni to come together perfectly. - Register and activate your Priority Pass before travel (see Priority Pass Registration: Remember Not to Forget).
The Priority Pass membership number alone is not enough to access the Priority Pass app. A pin is also required. When I tried to generate the pin using my cc as validation, it did not work. I ended up having to call Priority Pass from the airport terminal to obtain the pin. - Use Skype for toll-free calls (see TPOL’s Tip: Use Skype for 800 #s Abroad).
The best way to avoid roaming calls and, more importantly, be able to get through to 800 numbers is to use Skype. It’s free and it works. - Pay for bags in advance or avoid discount carriers (see Viva Air Colombia: Discount Carriers & Baggage Fees).
Smuggling bags worked out for me this time, but I refuse to endure the stress of wondering if I’ll be slammed with bag fees and would rather be responsible and pay in advance. - Buy wine on your final stop only (see Guns & Butter: Ribera Del Duero, Madrid Travel Guide (Vino Edition)).
I bought two bottles of Gran Reserva. I stupidly did not think of what I would do with the bottles since I had many stops left on my trip, and I didn’t have a checked baggage allowance. - Buy souvenirs when you see them (reference futbol scarfs, see Guns & Butter: Conwy, Wales Travel Guide).
- Don’t Dilly Dally on the Way to the hotel. Restaurants were closed upon late-night arrival in Milan (see Late Night Bite in Milan).
I thought I had plenty of time. It was not until I got to the room that I realized that my watch did not sync to the new time zone. It was in fact 11:30PM and the kitchen was closed. - Don’t bring any workout equipment (see No More Mobile Gym No Matter What).
I can’t work out in the hotel room, I refuse to work out at hotel gyms. The problem remains: how can I stay relatively healthy while I am gone? - Don’t Book Open-Ended Itineraries: It is too stressful and too time-consuming to figure out where I am going next and how I am getting home.
No More Mobile Gym No Matter What
No Mobile Gym is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
I used to bring TRX with me when I traveled. I would do it the first two days and feel good about myself. The rest of the time, it would take up valuable space in my carry-on (see What to Pack: Take 1/4 of the Clothes, 1/2 the Money). For a while, I decided that working out at all on vacation was pointless. The problem with no exercise is that I end my trip feeling uncomfortable from seeing all my muscles turn to mush. During this trip, I thought I would give the mobile gym another shot. It was a complete failure. I used the ropes once in the beginning of my trip at the Hyatt Regency Chicago. The rest of the time, the equipment was here:
I can’t work out in the hotel room, and I refuse to work out at hotel gyms. The problem remains: how can I stay relatively healthy while I am gone (see A Holiday of Healthy, Tipsy, & on Budget? Basically Impossible)?
Lufthansa Munich to Newark Business: Basically Basic
Lufthansa Munich Newark Business Class Flight Review is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
I booked a flight from Munich to Newark using precisely 62,760 Lifemiles in business on Lufthansa. The last time I flew Lufthansa long-haul was my inaugural business class flight on points in 2012 (see Angle Flat Lufthansa: My First Points Flight Review). Back then I was blown away by ice cream on a plane. Fast forward to 2021, those tricks do not impress me. And neither did this basic flight from Munich to Newark.
Seating
There’s plenty of space in the business-class cabin, especially when sitting by the window. 
Upright/Lie-Flat
Whether upright or lie-flat, I was comfortable.
Champagne
While it will not make the list for best airline champagne (see Get Ready to Takeoff: The World’s Best Champagne), in the midst of Covid nonsense, it was nice to see that it was served. 
Amenities Kit
It was also nice to see an amenities kit with a mask as the featured item. 
Food
I was impressed by the selection of food. I traded my original order with Ms. TPOL.
Dessert
I take it back. I am still impressed with ice cream on a plane.
Overall
This flight was boring. The question is why it was boring. Have I taken too many business class flights that I require a silent disco to come away impressed (see Emirates A380 Silent Disco!)? Perhaps, Germans do things so well that I take the regimented routine for granted. Or, as I have said before, business class simply can’t compare to first (see Cathay A350 HKG-BKK: I Miss First Already). What I do know is that I found the experience to be basic. Maybe that’s a good thing. I have no idea.
Lufthansa Business Lounge Munich: Dry as Their Pretzels
Lufthansa Business Lounge Munich is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
I can attest that Lufthansa first-class lounge in Frankfurt is awesome. I snuck in by convincing the agent that the roman numeral “I” on my boarding pass meant first. That trick worked in 2012, but I guarantee it won’t work today. Since then I have been to two Lufthansa lounges. Both were in business. Both were in Munich. Both were stale. I wrote the title of this blog post before checking the title of the other. It was called Lufthansa Business Class Lounge Munich: Pretzel & Nap. Either I’m not creative or I am spot on. Either way, due to my compulsive nature of documenting each part of the trip, I have to share some photos of this lounge. Going forward, I will make a better effort to document the gate location of the lounge, in the event that the pretzels in one are better than the other.
Air Malta: Malta to Munich, 2 Hours & 20 Minutes for $50
Air Malta is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
Unlike my prospective villa in Castiglione, Italy (see Did TPOL Buy a 1 Euro Italian Villa?), Malta was more connected to the outside world. To catch my flight from Munich to Newark, I flew Air Malta. While it was not in business, who can complain about a 2 hour and 20 minute flight that only costs $50?
Priority Pass Malta: Almost Home
Priority Pass Malta is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
When I booked this trip, I booked a one-way ticket with no return (see Booked! One Way to Madrid…No Return in Sight). With stops in Denmark, Scotland, Northern Ireland, England, Wales, Italy, and Malta, I was ready to go home. The beginning of the end began in La Valette, the Priority Pass Lounge at Malta airport. The lounge was impressive not because of the food but because of the patio.
For those that require a snack before traveling, here’s what was offered in the morning:
For those that like pictures of chairs, here is the lounge seating:
Overall
Almost home.
Remember When? Scam Covid Test #3: Leaving Malta
Scam Covid Test #3 is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
My trip to Malta was in 2021. It was my first time abroad following Covid. Up to that point, there were many reasons why I didn’t want to travel (see 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel). Number three on that list was testing. I wrote, “TPOL has enough problems keeping up with visa requirements (see China 72-hour Visa-Free Transit Disaster (again)). Like my China experiences, I can see myself being stuck getting in or not allowed to return home because I misread the testing requirements. Add in my laziness in locating testing locations here or abroad and the invasive experience itself (see Thanks Donald! My COVID Test in Puerto Rico), and I am more inclined to wait for the magical ‘vaccine passport’ to go into effect. How prescient an observation this was. On this journey, I encountered scam Covid testing at every corner (see Scam Covid Test #1: Entering the UK & Scam Covid Test #2: Leaving the UK). The last scam was the USA’s testing requirement for its own citizens to return home (see COVID Test for Return Travel Is Stupid). I had been all over Europe living life as intended : mask-free. I even went to bars with no social distancing (see Guns & Butter: Copenhagen Travel Guide)! Who knows how many strains of Covid I had been exposed to and if I was infected. While the testing situation was silly, the consequences of testing positive would not have been. I contemplated whether I should falsify my test because 1) Who is actually checking the results? 2) Screw the CDC. Paranoid about losing my Global Entry, I decided to go through with the test and found a testing site down the street from the Hyatt Regency Malta. For $40, another swab was stuck up my nose.
Later that day, I received this official handwritten note: 
I was negative! I could go home.
Overall
I once wrote Writing Trip Reports: How Old Is Too Old? This post was written about two years after the trip. While I prefer to have posts up sooner, waiting has reinforced my original opinions of the Covid situation. Indeed, most of my conjectures were spot on (If you want to go back to the dark time, read The Lost & Found Year(s): COVID Trip Report). In short, most Covid measures were bullshit money grabs.
Guns & Butter: Malta Travel Guide
Malta Travel Guide is part of the Punxsutawney TPOL Trip Report.
TPOL’s Guns & Butter Travel Guide is the best way to see as much as you can in as little time as possible. Here’s how it works: A trip is composed of two factors: Labor And Lazy. The opportunity cost (what is given up) for relaxing and being Lazy is gained by being adventurous in the form of Labor and vice versa. The guide includes inefficient activities i.e., tourist traps that should be avoided and aspirational activities that are worth doing but may be impossible to see given the constraints of time and resources.
Have you been to Malta? If I had the means, I would much rather live there than my almost second home, Castiglione, Sicily (see Did TPOL Buy a 1 Euro Italian Villa?). But if you don’t have years to spend on the island, here’s what you can see in two days: St Julian’s I stayed at the Hyatt Regency Malta (see Back to Beautiful) which is located in St. Julian’s, the party district of Malta.
Across from the Hyatt is a mall with this treasure:
The beach in St. Julian’s can be skipped.
The main draw of St. Julian’s is the restaurants and nightlife.
TPOL’s Tip: Hugo Malta is located at St George’s Road, St Julian’s STJ 3340, Malta
Valletta
Did you know Valletta is the smallest capital city in Europe? It’s worth walking from the entrance with the fountain through the cobbled streets to Fort. St. Elmo’s for the view.
It’s also worth sticking around for lunch. Outside the tourist trap restaurants of the city square (see Don’t Pay $30 for Tacos), we found St. Paul’s restaurant. Excellent espresso, vino, cold beer, and the biggest mussels I’ve ever had.
TPOL’s Tip: St. Paul’s is located at VGX8+5X8, Lvant, Il-Belt Valletta, Malta.
Mdina
Did you know that the original capital of Malta was Mdina? It is even smaller than Valletta. 
Nothing beats getting lost in an old town (see Astray in Old Town: Great Places to Get Lost).
The pride of Malta is the doorknockers. I couldn’t help but take photo after photo.
Outside the city walls was a dessert place. Samples are freely given.
Cottonera (Three Cities)
The Three Cities is a collective description of the three fortified cities of Vittoriosa, Senglea and Cospicua in Malta. I went to take photos of the yachts and in search of Malta’s signature cuisine, the rabbit.
I found the super yachts but struck out on the rabbit. The first restaurant said they had it and then they said they ran out. The second restaurant also said they had it, I ordered it, but then 30 minutes later, they said they ran out. The concession prize was rabbit pasta.
Marsaxlokk
The highlight of the trip was going to the fisherman’s village of Marsaxlokk. We chartered a dinghy and set sail for St. Peter’s Pool famous for cliff diving.
TPOL’s Tip: It should cost 16 euros to go on a tour per the hotel. The best I could do was 20 euros.
From Puerto Rico, to Russia, (see Guns & Butter: Moscow Travel Guide ) to Malta, I have to say that I love rabbit.
TPOL’s Tip: Rampila is located at St. Johns Cavalier Il-Belt Valletta, VLT 1110, Malta
Odds & Ends
Rabbit is satisfying but, as they say in Malta, there’s always room for gelato and falafel. 
TPOL’s Tip: Falafel Street is located at 4 Ordinance, Valletta VLT 1021, Malta
And as they say in England, there’s always room for gin.
TPOL’s Tip: The Pub is located on 136 Archbishop St, Valletta, Malta.
Knock Knock
As I wrote above, I was enthralled with Malta’s door knockers. I searched far and wide to bring one home. The only place I could find one of sound quality was in Valletta. With limited luck haggling, I paid $110 for the beautiful lion (reference Bargaining Pricing Guide).
Covid Scam Testing
Reading this now, you probably have wiped all memories from of Covid from your mind. This trip ended in October 2021. During that time, America had the asinine policy of requiring Americans to test negative if they wanted to come home (see COVID Test for Return Travel Is Stupid). The cost of that test in Malta was $40, better than the UK prices (see Scam Covid Test #1: Entering the UK & Scam Covid Test #2: Leaving the UK), but a scam nonetheless (see Scam Covid Test #3: Leaving Malta).
