I am writing this post because today marks the start of hurricane season and need a canned response in anticipation of the messages I will receive. Since I moved to Puerto Rico in 2018, there have not been any major weather events (see Hurricane Beryl: Preparing for TPOL’s First Tropical Event). I used to track storms closely in nervous anticipation. In 2019 when I was living in Shanghai (see TPOL in Shanghai), one hurricane was literally headed right towards my house in Rio Mar before abruptly making a right turn. Since that storm, I stopped obsessing over whether a hurricane would hit or not, leaving my fate in the hands of a greater power – luck. To that end, I encourage everyone to do the same. Please do not message me when a hurricane is named. Do not message me asking if I’m feeling the effects of a storm that is making its way towards the Yucatan. Please consult a map. Finally, if a storm does hit, do not message me saying how Puerto Rico can’t catch a break. Those condescending condolences do not help (see “Puerto Rico Rocked by Earthquake”: Enough Dramatic Headlines). For those who are genuinely concerned about my well-being, fear not. I’m stocked up on paper towels and have enough rum to get through November, the end of hurricane season. Bet you didn’t know that hurricane season is half of the year.
TPOL began blogging 7 years ago (Simply The Best: TPOL Triple Bogeys, Turns 7) and with the aid of being on lockdown, I have managed to complete almost all of the Trip Reports since I came into existence. The only one that remains is Tahiti Triumph, a trip with way too many destinations and way too many photos. After that one is done, I will be completely caught up and ready to hit the road, implementing my new strategy of blogging on the go but waiting to post when I come home. While the site will go dark for weeks at a time, it beats writing about trips five years later. I have to say that I’m impressed with myself.
I always used to have a waterproof camera when I traveled. Since then, phones have become more water-resistant, eliminating the need for a separate camera. Then I purchased the Samsung Flip which is not waterproof at all. While on a private excursion to Culebra (see Please Continue to Hold…), I realized that I needed something to document trips around water. My last purchase was the SkyDio (see VIDEO: SkyDio 2 Inaugural Flight: Rio Mar, Puerto Rico), a drone that takes amazing video but is not very convenient for everyday use. That’s when I came across the DJI Pocket 2, a tiny device that takes both videos and photos. Add in the underwater case and my dream of revolutionizing this blog is getting closer to becoming a reality (see Skydio Is on the Way! Blogging, Vlogging, You, Me & TPOL Will Never Be the Same).
Tense moments in Culebra taking this photo with the waves crashing towards the camera.
With all the hype surrounding this deluxe apartment in the sky, this should have been the ideal way to complete the Quest Around the Globe. Compared to Emirates, it was not.
Dubai vs. Abu Dhabi
Dubai, the home of Emirates Airlines, is a city of mystique. From mega-malls to man-made islands to absurd skyscrapers, its opulence is almost incomparable. I say almost because right up the road is Abu Dhabi, the capital of UAE. Like Dubai, it has monster skyscrapers and outrageous attractions e.g., Ferrari World. Unlike Dubai, Abu Dhabi does not have the fantastical feel. Instead, it’s more of a copycat, infringer, or unoriginal imitation of the City of Gold.
Burj Al Arab DubaiAloft Abu Dhabi: Hyperbolic comparison
Emirates vs. Etihad
I’m not going to say that Etihad is a golf cart compared to the Emirates sailboat. I am going to say that creativity isn’t there. Let’s Compare.
The A380
The soon to be extinct A380 is pretty no matter the carrier.But I’ll take the Emirates livery over Etihad’s kaleidoscope.
The most photographed shower of all time.Conservative selfieWhat the readers want. Subscribe to my Only Fans page for exclusive content!Etihad’s toilet is an original color.
The Bar: Emirates has a bar for business class and first-class passengers. Etihad does not.
What’s life without this photo in your memories?
The Drinks
I know many of you think that Johnnie Blue is the tops. It isn’t. I despise Scotch. Emirates has Hennessy Paradis.
Etihad has Bacardi and decent Bollinger champagne.
The comparable Emirates photoOnly on Emirates could I keep the bottle.
The Service: I’ve flown Etihad business and first a few times. The service on Emirates is far superior. The flight attendants are smoother and more natural. On Etihad, it feels forced. Indeed, in the photo above, the flight attendant refused to let me go back to the business class bar without my own bottle of Dom, since it is not served to business class passengers.
Clothes are required in business.
The Appetizer
The quality of the food is comparable but I prefer the meze on Emirates.
Etihad App, don’t try to make hummus fancy.Emirate’s authentic taste of the Middle East
Main Dish
Like Charlie would say, Wildcard!
The best food is not on Emirates nor Etihad. It’s SQ!
Lobster on SQ.
But this post is between the Arab cousins. Here’s what I had on Etihad:
And here’s what I had on Emirates:
Tender steak on a plane? Only Emirates.
I would have said that it was a tie until, you guessed it, another wildcard!
Sliders, on this mothaf&$kin’ plane!2000 calorie Arabic dessert
Finish Him!
Etihad wins.
Gluttony!
The Fun
I tried to replicate Silent Disco on Etihad but it didn’t compare to Emirates.
Rolex + Dom = Good time on EmiratesNot hypeUntil I found the Elvis of Iraq, Kazim! As legend has it, Saddam once tried to have him as a personal entertainer, then he fled Iraq.
The Amenities Kit
I didn’t save my kit from Etihad.
I wish this fragrance was not discontinued by Bvlgari and was still offered on Emirates.
The Seat
My favorite first-class experiences are aboard empty cabins. Often, I have one seat where I can eat and another seat where I can sleep. Etihad recognized this demand and instead of only having a seat that lied flat, there was also a separate chair.
While I appreciate the space, I prefer the cocoon of Emirates.
Privacy
Both provided the privacy one would expect from flying first.
EtihadEmirates
Opulence
Despite being spacious, I found the apartment to be dull compared to Emirates.
Originally, I was not seated next to Ms. TPOL, and this jerk store wouldn’t switch me seats. It took some convincing but he finally did. There still is a separator between us unlike Emirates where it’s more connected.
Not much of an experience if traveling someone and there is a stranger in the middle.
Emirates has a divider but it comes down.
Under the stars on Emirates.
Sleep
I had more space to stretch out and roll over on Etihad. But isn’t it cheating to sleep on these first-class flights when there is so much to eat, drink, and do?
Overall
The days of A380 flying may be over, but if I could go back in time I would time travel on Emirates.
I think as an author, you should make sure what you are writing about before trashing a city in one sentence. Did you try the areas fantastic restaurants scene? Did you visit Brickell City Center which is a cross the bridge from the Hyatt? Did you visit Bayside Market place which is within walking distance of the Hyatt? Did you visit the artistic Wynwood area which is not to far? Did you visit the wharf on the river which is also within walking distance?..and many more areas you could have gone to. I think your writing is extremely one minded and very damaging to a cities reputation given the power they gave you to write about them..in fact I’m going further..I’m gonna write an e-mail to the points guy about this article. Very insulting.
I addressed his inaccuracies in the comments section, specifically how my posts put “People’s livelihoods are in jepody [sic]”. Given my power as a menacing travel blogger, I thought I would rank the worst cities I’ve been to. I’m going to qualify my definition of worst by specifically designating what makes the place irredeemable. Interestingly, out of the 113 countries and territories I have been to (see Where I’ve Been), I have enjoyed the overwhelming majority of cities (see TPOL’s Travels: The Best Big Cities in the World). This demonstrates two things: 1) I’m not the curmudgeon that many think I am. 2) Not liking every place demonstrates authenticity. Would you trust me if I described everything as roses and daisies?
With that out of the way, I present to you TPOL’s ‘Worst Cities in the World’.
Jakarta’s traffic is so bad that it warrants being included in this list.
Most Overrated City in the United States: Miami, Florida
Terrible customer service, overpriced everything, and people buying into the myth that they are important. Unless you’re Mike Lowery, stop acting like you’re somebody. You call this vibrant?
When it comes to 2pac vs. Biggie, I’ll take 2pac all day. When it comes to NY, a city I am not enamored with, vs. LA, I’ll take the Big Apple. From the Lakers to the beaches, LA sucks. #DetroitBasketball
Everything is Bigger in Texas? Dallas may be a large city, but that doesn’t make it boring. The only entertainment is watching Dallas disappoint its fans every year (see Dallas, Texas: Food & Drink Party Guide).
One of the few places in the world that I really wanted to visit was Beirut. Upon arriving, I was not impressed. In my grandma’s day, it might have been the Paris of the Middle East. Now, it’s Uncle Rico (see Guns & Butter: (Overrated) Beirut Travel Guide).
As I wrote in the post, Places NOT to Visit, “Perhaps one of the most disgusting places on earth is Phuket. Here, like Bangkok, you will find a town riddled with LBH’s (losers back home) who make the journey to Asia to pay a young girl for her company during their stay. TPOL is a staunch advocate against sex tourism.”
I had the wrong expectations when I went to Macau. I thought it would be like Vegas. It’s the opposite. The SAR of China has the world’s biggest casino where Chinese millionaires drop tens of thousands of dollars without showing any emotion. The casinos are eerily quiet and the nightlife consists of brothels posing as nightclubs.
Shaken not stirred
Most Likely to Never Return to City in the World: Kathmandu, Nepal
Many of my friends love Istanbul. I do not. I have been there twice and both times have found it to be an unwelcoming place. From the taxis that curse me out (see “Taxi my friend?” The Worst Places to Hail a Cab) to merchants upset that I don’t speak Turkish on account of my Alexander The Great good looks, I don’t feel the love in that city. Add in the Turkish food which I snobbishly say is inferior to Arabic cuisine and perhaps you can understand why I am not a fan.
I would have said that the whole country of Italy is the worst tourist trap in the world. However, since this list is comprised of cities, I will go with Capri, the apex of tourist traps within the green zone of tourist traps, the Amalfi Coast (see A Beautiful Tourist Trap).
*Dishonorable mention in this category goes to Rome.
If you like the rats of NYC, you’ll love the vermin of Kuala Lumpur. Besides the pest problem, there’s literally nothing to do here but take a photo of the Petronas Towers (see Lord of the Bling: The 10 Tallest Towers). I have been to KL more than anywhere else in SE Asia only because it is the hub of my favorite discount carrier, AirAsia.
There are two reasons I am ending this post with Marrakech. First, because I would like to make it clear that didn’t fall in love with Marrakech like so many doe-eyed tourists do (see How I Almost Left Marrakech After One Night). Second, because I need to end this post on a positive note. While every city can’t be one of my favorites (see Shanghai & Cape Town), each city does have something that makes it worth seeing at least once. In Marrakech, that was taking a walk on the wild side of the Medina (see The Definitive Guide To Lamb Brain, Tongue, Eyeballs & More Food & Lost in the Labyrinth) and enjoying the tranquility of sobriety (see The Detox Juice Bar).
There’s always money in the banana stand!
Overall
Go out, see the world. Make your own conclusions. Just don’t try to convince me that Miami doesn’t suck.
Marriott has done something nice. They have extended my stay certificates which were set to expire in August of 2021 to 2022.
That’s good news because I have retired from traveling (see 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel & Air TPOL Retiring From Travel). However, like Keyser Söze, I can’t enjoy retirement while I have matters pending. Of note, I have to requalify for Titanium Elite. Why do I have to qualify? I have no idea. Marriott, like most hotel chains, has killed its points program with devaluation after devaluation (see Booking Miami: I’m as Frugal As Ever). Add in the inability to churn and it is hard to see how I can stay flush with Marriott points. Still, with only 7 stays to Titanium and 5 stay certificates, I might as well finish what I started and stay Elite for 2022: The Year of Status.
I’m sure no one cares to read about the Hyatt Regency in downtown Miami. Most people who do visit this terrible city will not be staying downtown anyway (see Air TPOL Retiring From Travel). I am only writing it because of a phenomenon called blogger’s guilt, whereby every international Flight, Hotel, and Lounge must be documented for completeness. Let’s get this over with.
Location
As I wrote, the Hyatt Regency is located in downtown Miami, an area as boring as downtown Phoenix.
Behold: The vibrant cosmopolitan that is downtown Miami.
Hotel Itself
The hotel is connected to a convention center. If you’re staying here for a convention, you probably are getting a corporate rate and won’t care that the hotel is popcorn ceiling dated.
Room
The suite was standard.
Bathroom
Replacing a shower head and an elongated the curtain rod does is not a bathroom renovation. Shower curtains are disgusting and have no place in the world.
With my early arrival, I was unable to check-in right away. I used the free time to explore the Riverwalk. It’s not San Antonio (River Walk! TPOL’s San Antonio Food & Drink Guide), but looking at the water is nicer than looking at this ugly downtown.
I tried to leave my basement to transition from the COVID Trip Report to the Punxsutawney Trip Report. It did not go so well. My first mistake was going to one of the worst cities in the world: Miami (contrast TPOL’s Travels: The Best Big Cities in the World). This brings me to my second mistake: staying at the Hyatt Regency Downtown Miami. There’s nothing Regency about this property. The third mistake was staying in downtown Miami for one night. Though it was close to my friends who were staying in Wynwood, there is nothing redeemable about this town.
Moving on from the Miami typewriter lashing, let me opine on what travel looks like these days.
Airport & Airplane
Those videos of people fighting used to be once in a while. Now, I can see why they happen more frequently. People are on edge about COVID over wearing the right type of mask (I didn’t know gators were not allowed) and over getting the hell out of the house. This anxiousness turns into quick tempers and rude travelers. While there were no incidents on my flight, it was tense from boarding where Group 6 was trying to board before Group 5. It was also tense on landing, where a passenger tried to jump up quickly and get off the plane while others were retrieving their bags.
Mask Mandate
Masks are not a political statement. However, enough is enough. Why are people wearing masks on the beach while running? Why did a woman put her mask on when she walked by me on the marina? I was definitely more than 6 feet away and even if I were closer, I doubt that COVID was going to fly out of my mouth and target her with pinpoint accuracy at the very moment she was walking by. This brings me to the restaurants where masks are required while waiting in line or going to the bathroom, but not when a person is eating or drinking. There must be an unwritten rule where COVID won’t bother someone when he is drinking but will swoop in once that last bite has been devoured. Of course, all these inconsistent policies become irrelevant when going to the SLS pool party and masks are nowhere to be found (see Where to Pool Party in Miami).
How much money have companies made off these signs?
COVID isn’t on the list for pool parties.
Nightlife
I wrote 11 Reasons Why I Still Don’t Want to Travel. Reason #10 was no partying. Miami is one of the few places where clubs and bars are open. The one night I went out, I ended up at a club where there were no masks required but, for some reason, the music could not be played at a high level. It was like an Emirates A380 Silent Disco without first-class service. Obviously, I’m getting too old for this shit. However, I was not sold on the waitresses being paraded on the shoulders of bartenders delivering overpriced bottles of champagne (free on Emirates) while pretending to be excited.
No Value, No Service
Miami is one giant W Hotel. People come to show off, receive terrible service, and overpay for everything. Somehow everyone is ok with this.
I’m Not Going to Ducking Tulum!
Visiting the US is not my idea of traveling, but with all the uncertainty it is more convenient than going to a place not on my Country Count List with the naive hope that somehow life is normal there. Everywhere is dealing with this COVID crisis and the adventures I usually undertake would be difficult and unnecessarily stressful to do. Seemingly, the only exception is Tulum, a place that every person I encountered had either visited during lockdown or was going to after Miami. I got so sick of hearing about Tulum that I vowed never to go, even if it is the Garden of Eden as it was described.
Retirement
For these reasons, I am retiring from travel. I’ll come back with the 4-5 when the world realizes that nothing will be normal until the rich share with the poor. Until then, it’s retirement life in Puerto Rico. Luckily for me, I just took up tennis.
I think as an author, you should make sure what you are writing about before trashing a city in one sentence. Did you try the areas fantastic restaurants scene? Did you visit Brickell City Center which is a cross the bridge from the Hyatt? Did you visit Bayside Market place which is within walking distance of the Hyatt? Did you visit the artistic Wynwood area which is not to far? Did you visit the wharf on the river which is also within walking distance?..and many more areas you could have gone to. I think your writing is extremely one minded and very damaging to a cities reputation given the power they gave you to write about them..in fact I’m going further..I’m gonna write an e-mail to the points guy about this article. Very insulting.
I addressed his inaccuracies in the comments section, specifically how my posts put “People’s livelihoods are in jepody [sic]”. Given my power as a menacing travel blogger, I thought I would rank the worst cities I’ve been to. I’m going to qualify my definition of worst by specifically designating what makes the place irredeemable. Interestingly, out of the 113 countries and territories I have been to (see Where I’ve Been), I have enjoyed the overwhelming majority of cities (see TPOL’s Travels: The Best Big Cities in the World). This demonstrates two things: 1) I’m not the curmudgeon that many think I am. 2) Not liking every place demonstrates authenticity. Would you trust me if I described everything as roses and daisies?
With that out of the way, I present to you TPOL’s ‘Worst Cities in the World’.
Worst City in the World for Traffic: Jakarta, Indonesia
Jakarta’s traffic is so bad that it warrants being included in this list.
Most Overrated City in the United States: Miami, Florida
Terrible customer service, overpriced everything, and people buying into the myth that they are important. Unless you’re Mike Lowery, stop acting like you’re somebody. You call this vibrant?
Worst Big City in the United States: Los Angeles, California
When it comes to 2pac vs. Biggie, I’ll take 2pac all day. When it comes to NY, a city I am not enamored with, vs. LA, I’ll take the Big Apple. From the Lakers to the beaches, LA sucks. #DetroitBasketball
Blandest City in the United States: Dallas, Texas
Everything is Bigger in Texas? Dallas may be a large city, but that doesn’t make it boring. The only entertainment is watching Dallas disappoint its fans every year (see Dallas, Texas: Food & Drink Party Guide).
Most Overrated City in the World: Beirut, Lebanon
One of the few places in the world that I really wanted to visit was Beirut. Upon arriving, I was not impressed. In my grandma’s day, it might have been the Paris of the Middle East. Now, it’s Uncle Rico (see Guns & Butter: (Overrated) Beirut Travel Guide).
Most Disgusting Place in the World: Phuket, Thailand
As I wrote in the post, Places NOT to Visit, “Perhaps one of the most disgusting places on earth is Phuket. Here, like Bangkok, you will find a town riddled with LBH’s (losers back home) who make the journey to Asia to pay a young girl for her company during their stay. TPOL is a staunch advocate against sex tourism.”
Most Disappointing City in the World: Macau
I had the wrong expectations when I went to Macau. I thought it would be like Vegas. It’s the opposite. The SAR of China has the world’s biggest casino where Chinese millionaires drop tens of thousands of dollars without showing any emotion. The casinos are eerily quiet and the nightlife consists of brothels posing as nightclubs.
Most Likely to Never Return to City in the World: Kathmandu, Nepal
I’m happy I made it to Monkey Temple, the highlight of my time in Kathmandu, before going to Pokhara (see Guns & Butter: Kathmandu Travel Guide (Bargaining Edition)). Had I missed it, I would be hard-pressed to return to this chaotic, overwhelming city.
Most Tourist Overrun City in the World: Corfu, Greece
What happened to the Corfu from my childhood? The answer: tourists (see Make Corfu Greek Again! How Tourism Ruined an Island).
Most Annoying Tourists in the World: Bagan, Myanmar
Bagan was one of the best places I have been (see Guns & Butter: Bagan Travel Guide). Unfortunately, the secret is out and annoying tourists are aplenty (see Are You a Naive Traveler?).
Most Unwelcoming City in the World: Istanbul, Turkey
Many of my friends love Istanbul. I do not. I have been there twice and both times have found it to be an unwelcoming place. From the taxis that curse me out (see “Taxi my friend?” The Worst Places to Hail a Cab) to merchants upset that I don’t speak Turkish on account of my Alexander The Great good looks, I don’t feel the love in that city. Add in the Turkish food which I snobbishly say is inferior to Arabic cuisine and perhaps you can understand why I am not a fan.
Worst Tourist Trap in the World: Capri, Italy
I would have said that the whole country of Italy is the worst tourist trap in the world. However, since this list is comprised of cities, I will go with Capri, the apex of tourist traps within the green zone of tourist traps, the Amalfi Coast (see A Beautiful Tourist Trap).
*Dishonorable mention in this category goes to Rome.
Worst Big City in the World: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
If you like the rats of NYC, you’ll love the vermin of Kuala Lumpur. Besides the pest problem, there’s literally nothing to do here but take a photo of the Petronas Towers (see Lord of the Bling: The 10 Tallest Towers). I have been to KL more than anywhere else in SE Asia only because it is the hub of my favorite discount carrier, AirAsia.
Most Reason for Optimism: Marrakech, Morocco
There are two reasons I am ending this post with Marrakech. First, because I would like to make it clear that didn’t fall in love with Marrakech like so many doe-eyed tourists do (see How I Almost Left Marrakech After One Night). Second, because I need to end this post on a positive note. While every city can’t be one of my favorites (see Shanghai & Cape Town), each city does have something that makes it worth seeing at least once. In Marrakech, that was taking a walk on the wild side of the Medina (see The Definitive Guide To Lamb Brain, Tongue, Eyeballs & More Food & Lost in the Labyrinth) and enjoying the tranquility of sobriety (see The Detox Juice Bar).
Overall
Go out, see the world. Make your own conclusions. Just don’t try to convince me that Miami doesn’t suck.